You Know You're Important When You're Sent to the Future
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: One day, Kagura-I mean-Kaguya sends an unsuspecting Sima Yi to a gruesome future that has China overrun by aliens and that he is dead in this future. Everyone he ever knew has changed and try to find all of the shameless media references. I have no idea anymore towards the end.
1. I know, I know I'm a thief

**Sima Yi sits in a table with his family in it along with others. He sits sighing deeply as Sima Zhao flies over his head. Jia Chong and Wang Yuanji run behind him yelling. Zhong Hui runs behind him twirling a hair strand talking, but the other people yelling drowns his voice out. Xiahou Ba flies over him with his rocket spear thing screaming. Guo Huai runs coughing behind him. Sima Yi puts his elbow on the table and has his head rest on his hand. Across from him is Sima Shi with a bowl of meatbuns and he continuously eats them and it seems like the bowl was endless. The only people that were actually sitting in the table was Deng Ai, Zhuge Dan, Zhang Chunhua, and Wen Yang. They were playing cards. **

**"I raise fifty." **

**"I raise fifty-six."**

**"I raise a hundred."**

**"I fold."**

**"I fold too."**

**"Goldfish." The three looked at Wen Yang and he looks around confused. "Wait, what were we playing?" **

**Sima Yi looks off with bored eyes. The sound of a door opening is heard behind him and Cao Cao walks in to plop a stack of paper next to him. He walks out without saying a word. Sima Yi sits up and groans at the stack before him. Cao Cao comes back to drop more paper on the table. Sima Yi angrily loks at the paper and says,"Hey, these are meant for Xun Yu, Guo Jia, and Jia Xu! What happened to them?!"**

**"Xun Yu is promoting DW8 Empires, Guo Jia is on a date, and Jia Xu is sleeping."**

**"Hey, I am busy as well!"**

**"You were just sitting here. Now, I'd like these by next week." He walks out and Sima Yi drops his head onto the stack of papers with a loud groan.**

**"I wish the world ended now... I am going out for some fresh air." He gets up to walk out of the building. He stands outside and takes a deep breath.**

**"Haaaaaaaaaaaa-" A bright light hits his eyes and he covers his eyes. "Nnnrrrgh!" The light disappears to have Kaguya appear. **

**"Hello. Sima Yi. We meet again."**

**"What do you want now, Kagura?"**

**"Kaguya."**

**"Yes, Kagura."**

**"Kaguya."**

**"Kagura. Why are you saying your name so much? So narcissistic, I say."**

**"KAGUYA."**

**"Alright, what do you want, Kagu-YA?" **

**"Judgement. I have been helping a felon with the law of Heaven for a while, I am to repent by giving you judgement."**

**"Huh?" Kaguya raises her leaf branch up to create a very bright light in front of Sima Yi's eyes. Light covers the background as the camera zooms up into his eyes.**

* * *

**Sima Yi appears out of the bright light lying down in rubble. He groans and gets up slowly.**

**"Nrrgh... what the heck did she do now...?" He stands up to find himself surrounded by run-down buildings and pieces of walls lying on the ground. **

**"This looks like Luoyang, but... why is it destroyed...?" Kaguya appears next to him in a bright light.**

**"Behold the future."**

**"THIS is the future?! But... This isn't what it is supposed to be! Wasn't Cao Cao's rule that made this kingdom prosper?!" **

**"He is still human and unfortunately, no matter how much he fought, he was eliminated."**

**"Wait, what? He's dead here?"**

**"Why yes. The invaders had to kill him in order to establish dominance in this world."**

**"Invaders?"**

**"Alien invaders. Look over there." She points at a group of aliens dressed in armor and carrying advanced weapons, killing humans due to their inferior warfare.**

**"How did this happen?! I thought..."**

**"Killing one giant group of aliens won't deter the rest out there."**

**"Why am I here?"**

**"This is your punishment. You are to live in this horrid future until you begin to see your wrongdoings and beg for forgiveness. Oh, and people in this world won't see you as your young, handsome self, but this." She takes out a mirror and Sima Yi sees himself as a very grotesque old man. **

**"Ahhhh! What the hell is that?!" He punches the mirror and Kaguya responds,"Well, you will have an easy time here if you remained pretty. I had to change a few things."**

**"Change?! That looks like... if you ran over Dong Zhuo with five horses!"**

**"Huh. I think that was what I was going for... Everyone in this universe will see you as that thing. Only I and anyone watching us can see your original pretty form."**

**"What did I do to deserve this?"**

**"Let us see... Crimes against humanity, war crimes, domestic abuse, murder, and a bunch more."**

**"What made Nu Wa to finally punish me then?"**

**"You failed to give her an offering and a prayer last month."**

**"Come on! I performed crimes against humanity and she finally punishes me the moment I forget worshipping her?!"**

**"Why yes, worships from humans are what give the gods their meaning. Now, goodbye. I will see you in a few days to see your progress." Right when she said that, an alien tackles her down along with other aliens surrounding them.**

**"Well, well... Looks like we have two more humans to purge off this earth!" **

**"Hey! I'm not human! He is!" **

**"What are you then?"**

**"I am an... Asari... Yes, an Asari!" The aliens all nod at each other.**

**"Asari are pretty nice people."**

**"I once dated one."**

**"All Asari are hot." Kaguya gets released and one alien asked,"Wait, why aren't you blue?"**

**"I am in a human disguise made by my people." The aliens all make noises of understanding. They then turn to Sima Yi.**

**"So, we can just shoot this ugly-ass old man? Alright!" The aliens take out very advanced guns and swords and walk towards Sima Yi. **

**"Kaguya! You bitch! You sold me out!"**

**"Life isn't supposed to be easy!"**

**"You're a time traveling immortal little girl!"**

**"Woman."**

**"My ass! ****How in the world can you understand life?! Where the hell is my weapon-S*bleep*! It 's back at home! In the past or present or whatever!" The aliens sneer with their weapons and were about to take aim until a dash zips past them. Their weapons or some aliens were sliced apart.**

**"W-What the hell was that?" **

**"Gah!" One of the alien thugs had a glowing blade protruding out from its stomach as it shakes in fear. The blade move upwards, slicing his head and chest. The split body falls down and the remaining aliens run away screaming.**

**"You will not escape me..." Another streak speeds past the fleeing aliens and they were cut at the waist in half. The ground was soaked in blood and littered with alien body parts. Kaguya looks at the ground with widen eyes.**

**"They are here..." Sima Yi looks up and angrily asks her,"Who's here?! Are they going to kill me?"**

**"Do not worry. These two are protectors of the weak. Let us turn to look at them." The two turn around to see two tall gruff men holding glowing swords and wearing ragged cloaks. One had black hair and it was tied into a messy ponytail along with a weirdly well-groomed stubble beard. His left eye is closed with a vertical scar running down it. The other had very long brown hair and had poorly groomed stubble on his chin. Sima Yi looks at them with widen eyes and mouth absurdly wide open.**

**"...Uhhh... I think they look familiar to me..."**

**"They should. After all... They're your descendants..."**

**"My grandchildren?! Damn, how far into the future are we-"**

**"No. Your sons." Sima Yi stares at Kaguya with a forced smile. He laughs weakly,"Haha... Hah-ha... No way... You are joking with me... No way those two are my sons..." He sweats a lot and gives the two gruff men in front of him a stare before turning back to Kaguya.**

**"How many years are we into the future...?"**

**"About... Six years."**

**"SIX YEARS?! Six years turn my boys into... those two over there...?" **

**"This future is very harsh, so they eventually had to adapt." **

**"...I... What happened...?"**

**"Again, aliens."**

**"Why weren't they driven back?!"**

**"I can't tell you. You have to speak with your future sons now. Goodbye." She disappears in a ball of bright light. The two gruff men approach Sima Yi. **

**"Are you hurt?" asked the black haired man.**

**"No... Can you tell me what are you two's names...?"**

**"I am Sima Shi. This one here is Sima Zhao."**

**"Now I really confirmed it..." Sima Shi comments,"Huh, you dress like my late father. Where did you get those clothes?" **

**_I'M your father! Great, they can't recognize me in that old man disguise._ "I am your father. Sima Shi and Sima Zhao stared at him before getting into his face with glowing red eyes.**

**"Do not attempt to lie to us, old man! Our father died six years ago!"**

**"You have some nerve going around saying you are Sima Yi!"**

**_Oh my god, these two got my scary glare! I am both proud and wanting to shit my trousers right now! _"Wait... what do you mean your father died...?"**

**"None of your business. Now, you are an elderly man, so you have to be taken in by a safehouse. We will escort you to one."**

**"I am fine-"**

**"You are an imbecile for staying here. Now get going!" **

**"Alright!"**

* * *

**Sima Yi along with his future sons walk down a dark flight of stairs leading into a large room lit by candles. There were peasants and injured humans lying in beds around the circular room. There were familiar people standing around tending to wounds or looking at their weapons. Sima Yi stares at each person and asks Sima Shi,"Who is that one...?" He points to a man with long black messy hair with metal structures replacing half of his face. **

**"He is the former ruler's son, Cao Pi." Sima Yi chokes on air and turns sharply to get another look at the metal faced man again.**

**_What the fuck?! Six years did that to him?! Oh god, I wonder about everyone else..._ A woman with a metal leg walks past him. Her black hair was shaved on one side of her head. There was a beauty mark on her left eye. Sima Yi looks at her with widen eyes. **

**"God, these years have NOT been good to anyone in here..." He sees a man with two eyepatches on both of his eyes. His hair was spiky along with some grey tipping the points. He had a beard that was partly grey as well.**

**"...Xiahou Dun looks better than everyone else in here surprisingly..." He walks past a perfectly unchanged Xu Huang. **

**"Don't know who that is." He finally comes to a door that Sima Zhao opens for him and Sima Shi. It was a smaller room with a few beds. **

**"Now, we will have someone take a look at you. Just lay on one those beds." Sima Shi leaves, leaving Sima Yi to take a seat on a bed. He talks with himself,"This has to be a dream... everyone looks way too different. Ah, I can just go to sleep here to wake up in reality. Simple as that." He lies on the bed and closes his eyes.**

**Sima Yi opens his eyes to quickly sit up to find he was still in the same room.**

**"Damn, it wasn't a dream. This is reality for me now..."**

**"We all wish this wasn't a reality." said a woman sitting to Sima Yi's bed. She had blonde hair that was tied into a high ponytail and had her bangs hanging on the sides of her head.**

**_I'm guessing this is Yuanji.._. "Hello...? You are my caretaker?"**

**"Yes."**

**"What is your name?"**

**"Wang Yuanji. What about you?" Sima Yi freezes and thought,"_How do I do this? Do I say I am-No... Seeing how Shi and Zhao reacted, I don't think it would be wise to say my name. I need a fake name." _Sima Yi returns to reality and say quickly,"Sima... Qian. Sima Qian." **

**"Sima? Are you related to-"**

**"I get that a lot. But no, I am not related to those two." **

**"But... the only Simas that exist in this world are Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, and Sima Fu."**

_**What?! Fu is still alive?! I expected him to be one of the first victims of the alien invasion! **_

**Sima Yi puts on a forced smile and says,"Is that right...? If my memory serves me right, I am a thrice-removed cousin."**

**"...Wow... You are really far off the family tree then... Then why are you so old?" **

_**Shit! I forgot my disguise! I am an old man in her**_** eyes! **

* * *

**What Wang Yuanji sees**

**Sima Yi is hunched over with a long white beard and droopy eyes. A large bubble of snot hung out of his nostril. His entire face was covered in wrinkles.**

* * *

**Sima Yi clears his throat and says firmly,"I have a disease that advances my age."**

**"Oh... You're lucky, I suppose. You'll die faster."**

**"That's nice of you..."**

**"We do not sugarcoat anything here."**

**"I can see that... So, can you humor me with the situation of this world...?"**

**"Have you been living under a rock?"**

**"Well... I am a hermit."**

**"Even the hermits know what is going on."**

**"I'm an old man... Just tell me..." said Sima Yi in the most-convincing old man voice.**

**"Huff... fine. Where should I start?"**

**"What happened when the aliens invaded?"**

**"They came in their old ships and robots, and we had everyone fight against them, but it wasn't enough even for six years. That era of time was called 'The Dark Ages'."**

**"I am sure that name has been used-" Wang Yuanji ignores his comment and continues,"Those times were the darkest of times. Famine and drought struck the country and many people died from massacres staged by the aliens. If you didn't die from aliens, you died of starvation."**

**"Why are you alive...?"**

**"I had to consume tigers and pandas to stay alive. Aliens didn't kill them because they found them to be 'adorable'."  
**

**"I can understand pandas, but... tigers...?"**

**"One alien I saw tamed one and kept it like if it were a typical housecat. Considering how huge the aliens are, they ARE housecats to them."**

**"Alright, enough of that. Can you tell me what happened next?"**

**"After six long years, humans were reduced to nothing. The aliens just left any survivor to slowly die or they tormented them."**

**"Where do you and the rest come in...?"**

**"We didn't just sit by and let them push us around. We stood against the alien overlords and saved anyone who wanted to join our cause."**

**"Uh-huh..."**

**"You know... You sort of sound like someone I knew..."**

**"Who was that?" _Ooh, I wonder who it is..._**

**"He was an asshole." Sima Yi frowns at the comment and Wang Yuanji continues,"But he was the good kind. Well, depends on how you think of his methods."**

**"Get to it." **

**"His name was Sima Yi. He would have saved us from the aliens along with the other strategists that teamed up."**

**"And what happened?"**

**"He died."**

**"Died? How?" **

**"That is what people are still wondering about. The most popular story is that during a battle with Zhuge Liang, he was burned alive in a burning building."**

**"...That's it?"**

**"I am afraid I do not know much. You have to ask my husband or Sima Shi since they were there."**

**"They won't talk to me."**

**"It was rather traumatizing for them, so it makes sense they don't want to go through that again. I am sorry I cannot tell you anymore. If they won't talk, you can ask their widow mother."**

**"Oh really...?" _I've always called her a black widow. Now she's literally the widow part in this universe. _"Where do I find her?"**

**"And just where do you think you're going? You are very old, you need to rest your bones before you pass on." Sima Yi turns red in anger and curses Kaguya under his breath.**

**"Now get some rest. I will come back to check up on you later." Wang Yuanji gets up and walks out of the room. When she closes the door, Sima Yi quickly jumps out of the bed and begins to feel up the walls.**

**"Kaguya! Kaguya! Hello?!" Kaguya appears out of thin air and angrily says,"No! You're on you're own! I'm just a spectator!"**

**"Fine..."****He leaves the room and Kaguya disappears a flash of light.**

**Out in the larger room, Sima Yi casually walks behind other random refugees walking towards another room. He gets grabbed by the shoulder and is pulled away from there. He turns his head to see Xiahou Dun.**

**"Hello-"**

**"Xu Huang, did you eat the last ration?" Sima Yi quickly notices Xiahou Dun was wearing two eyepatches on both eyes and slowly lifts Xiahou Dun's hand off his shoulder.**

**"Answer me!" Sima Yi clears his throat and does a perfect impression of Xu Huang. **

**"No, I did not. Carry on, Master Xiahou Dun." Xiahou Dun calms down and walks off. Sima Yi sighs deeply in relief.**

_**Thank god Xu Huang is SO EASY to imitate. Now to get some more information of this world.**_

**He sees Xiahou Dun walking through a doorway that had many familiar faces residing. Sima Yi follows him and finds himself in an armory-like room. At a set of benches, Xiahou Dun sits down with Sima Zhao, who was sharpening a sword near him. A conversation could be heard.**

**"Sorry I had to trouble you with this. Damn both of my eyes getting taken away from me!"**

**"Ah, it's fine. I'm bored anyway. I have one question though. How could you use your weapon even without both eyes?"**

**"A warrior's instinct." Sima Yi turns to the dummies area and sees Sima Shi and others beating up or shooting dummies. He watches until he was forced to turn around by a hand. He stands eye-to-eye with the future Cao Pi and Zhen Ji.**

**"Hey, what are you doing here? This isn't a place for refugees, you know."  
**

**"Unless you want a bullet up your ass, I suggest get out." **

_**Six years and their accents changed! What the hell?! Zhen Ji sounds like some thug while Cao Pi sounds like a fuckin robot! This world is scaring me shitless!**_

**"Hey, are you deaf? Hello? Get out or else we'll shoot you!"**

**"With what?" Sima Yi responded smart-alecky. Cao Pi's left arm turns into a cannon while Zhen Ji lifts up her leg to have it turn into a ridiculously large gun pointed at Sima Yi's lower area. He stands there sweating.**

**"...Uhhhh...Isn't that a bit heavy-" The cannons get closer to his body and Sima Yi could see something glowing inside them.**

**"AAAAAAAHHH!" Sima Yi runs from two large blasts of energy and ducks from fast shots. **

**"Target is fleeing. Judging from his age, he should wear out in exactly twelve seconds." **

**"Shoot him in the legs!" **

**"Huff! Huff! I guess their tempers got more irritable after six years! Huff!" He jumps to avoid another laser shot. As he runs, a woman with short hair and scars on her face walks in his way. Sima Yi slows down to run around her and that woman quickly punches the ground to create a wall made out of rock blocking off Cao Pi and Zhen Ji. **

**"What was that for?"**

**"Yeah! That guy needs a lesson!" The woman responds,"Now you would attack a defenseless old man? Well, Cao Pi would since he is part metal and screws. Even his brain is made of metal. The only reason why is still alive is that Deng Ai managed to fix him with alien scrap metal." Sima Yi looks at her and asks,"Wait, where is he? I need to speak to him."**

**"Deng Ai? He has this workshop over there."**

**"Can I ask for your name?" **

**"Wang Yi." Sima Yi chokes on his breath and he quickly walks away. **

_**Why the hell do you look like a lesbian?! And since when did you have super strength?! **_

**Sima Yi walks away from the three quickly and he gets weird looks from them. Cao Pi fixes his robotic eye and twists the rim. **

**"My memory bank says that I know that person. But the bits of human brain don't remember him." Zhen Ji turns to him,"Really? He just looks like some old man to me."**

**"That is what I think as well, but my bits of human brain keep telling me it is someone I know." **

**"Ah... Now that I think about it, he is wearing clothes that remind me of someone..." Wang Yi says to them,"He could be just his father."**

**"Yeah, that makes sense."**

**Sima Yi finds a simple warehouse and enters that to see scrap metal scattering the floor and shelves filled with robotic arms and legs. **

**"Hello?" He hears clattering and a tall bulky man walks up to him. He had long grey hair with metal covering his eyes. The metal has two red dots glowing like eyes. **

**"Oh, hello. What do you need?" A robot with a propeller flies by him and talks in a screechy voice.**

**"Hey! Hey! Who the hell is this?! Is this that old man that died six years ago?" **

**"What the...?" Sima Yi looks at the robot and makes out a Z and an H on its head. **

**"Um... I think I heard this thing's voice before..." **

**"Excuse this thing's rudeness. Allow me to introduce myself and this thing. I am Deng Ai."**

**"Hey! Don't call me a thing! I'm still a person at heart!" angrily shouted the flying robot.**

**"But you don't have a heart..."**

**"You know what I mean!"**

**"And this thing here is or what is left of a very wimpy teenager called Zhong Hui." **

**"Wimpy?! I oughta-" The flying robot zips up to Deng Ai's face. **

**"Remember that doesn't have any weapons." said Deng Ai.**

**"I can use my propeller!"**

**"You won't be able to move if you break that."**

**"Alright, alright..." It flies towards Sima Yi. It gets in his face. He notices that its head's screen making a light-up angry face.**

**"Huh... You have that old man's eyes. Are you sure you're not Sima-" **

**"That is nonsense. The real one died years ago. Hehehe..." Sima Yi swats the robot away. It made a loud screechy yell as it flies from the hit. **

**"I'm just wondering... How is that robot this Zhong Hui person anyway?" Deng Ai answered,"The original Zhong Hui was killed by an explosion. I didn't want to revive him, but... someone told me to get his bits of brain and bones off the ground and fix him in some way." The robot zips back up to him.**

**"And he made me this! This sh*bleep*ty, sh*bleep*ty body! Why didn't I get that badass metal body like Zhang Liao?!" **

**"Because he would made good use of that. You would just sit around doing nothing contributing to the human race's survival. The reason why you were revived was that we needed some people to help the injured."**

**"I'm just some drone then?! Installing some weapons would make a little more useful!"**

**"We don't know if you are to turn against us."**

**"I... Okay, you got a point." Deng Ai turns back to Sima Yi.**

**"Is there something you needed before you were rudely interrupted by this hunk of junk?" The robot angrily comments out,"You made this hunk of junk! I have a name! You can even just call me ZH!"**

**"I wanted some answers." **

**"Answers?"**

**"I want to know what happened to me."**

**"You came here."**

**"No. Look at my face. That little piece of junk is right. I look like someone." Deng Ai looks for a moment and shakes his head.**

**"I'm sorry, I could see something, but it is just not possible he is still alive..."**

**"Why is that?"**

**"He... Ah, you don't want to hear some old man's story, do you?"**

**"Yes, I do! What the hell happened to Sima Yi that cause dof this?!"**

**"Fine... I was under Sima Yi's command at Wu Zhang Plains six years ago. We were ordered to march down to take a camp when it broke out in flames. I got out along with others, but unfortunately, our commander couldn't get out."**

**"Why couldn't he get out?"**

**"I remember he was protected by his sons and that they lost him in the flames. His eldest was the most traumatized since he was supposed to protect him. The body was never found."**

**"Isn't that suspicious?"**

**"It was a giant fire. Everything was turned to ash."**

**"Hmm... Well, thank you for your time." He was about to leave the warehouse when the door loudly opens and a suit of familiar armor is thrown inside. A woman's voice is heard,"I found another one. Just attach some limbs here and there and he should be back up."**

**"Is that Wen Yang's armor?"**

**"Yes. Poor man was crushed from a crumbling building. His gorey body is in this." Deng Ai walks up to the door and drags the suit of armor into the warehouse. The ZH robot flies over to have an arm extend out of its body and helps push the body with Deng Ai. Sima Yi walks past them and goes over to door to see a woman that is smoking a pipe. She is in a simple dress with a slit in it to expose one of her legs. She had long hair was a mix between grey and brown along with a scar running down of her eye. Another scar intersects it across her face. The woman blows smoke in Sima Yi's face.**

**"What are you staring at?" Sima Yi stares at her with his eyes widened and falls straight down on his back. He smiles half-****heartedly and one end of his lips twitched.**

_**What the hell happened to everyone here?!**_


	2. Stop blowing smoke in my face

**Sima Yi finds himself lying in a bed. He sits up looking around frantically.**

**"What happened? Where am I?" He gets a cloud of smoke in his face, causing him to cough.**

**"You failed standing up school." said a voice. Sima Yi turns to see the same woman from before. She takes another hit from her pipe and blows more smoke.**

**"Could you please blow your smoke somewhere else?" **

**"It's the only thing saving me from looking at your face." She then bites on the pipe to let it hang out of her mouth. "Tell me, where'd you get those clothes?"**

_**She recognizes them? Ah, of course she does. **_**"Somewhere... They're mine."**

**"I don't think so. Did you steal them?"**

**"No. These are mine." _Oh, who am I kidding? I don't exist in this universe anymore. She's going to kill me, isn't she?_**

**"Take it off."**

**"Excuse me?"**

**"Take it off, I said."**

**"Well, you are going to have to give me your name and buy me dinner to get under all of this." The woman gives a long huff of her pipe and sighs deeply to let out a big cloud of fumes from her mouth. **

**Refugees back away from the door when there was loud banging and yelling from it. Smoke comes out from the wooden door's splits and cracks. **

**Back inside the room, Sima Yi was lying on the ground clutching himself while stripped down to just his undergarments. (What kind of underwear he is wearing is up to you. Perverts.) He whispers in a shaken voice,"She got a hell of a lot scarier...!" A hand reaches down on his head and pulls off his hair ribbon to let his hair hang freely.**

_**Am I going to die? Or am I going to get raped? I don't know which one is worse! "**_**Ggh!" A heel buries itself into his temple. A puff of smoke hits his face.**

**"Now, you don't go around taking other people's clothes and identities, you hear?"**

**"But those are mine-Nagjhdgag!" He feels the heel pressing down on his skull. **

**"Understood? Get some clothes from a man named Zhang He. He'll make sure you won't be walking around here naked."**

**"Understood!" The heel gets off of his head and he hears the footsteps getting away from him along with a door closing. He lies there rocking back and forth still shaken up.**

**"...Damn... I am starting to realize that the present Chunhua is the best I could ask for!" A bright light appears and it disappears to have Kaguya stand before him.**

**"Aw, look at the baby here. He's so scared of a woman that is smoking up her lungs."**

**"Am I crying? No, I'm not. Am I? No, I'm not crying..."**

**"I guess you already figured out who was that there."**

**"Yup... My wife's my age now and she is scary by MY standards...! Note to self: Never let her reach forty in the present."**

**"Note to you: She will never hit it because you not allowed to age."**

**"That's good... That's good..."**

**"Please get up. It's weird looking at you in your underwear." **

**"I bet you get a warm fuzzy feeling from this. That is what Nu Wa felt with her brother."**

**"I don't date humans. And Nu Wa just heard you say that. Now get up."**

**"Huff... Am I supposed to walk around naked?"**

**"You have your undies to help you retain some dignity."**

**"There isn't any dignity left in me..."**

**"Then walking around in your underwear is not the end of the world."**

**"Fine..." Sima Yi gets up and was still using his arms to cover his upper body. His face is bright red because he was just stripped almost naked by the future Zhang Chunhua. **

**"Can you give me clothes-"**

**"Bye." Kaguya quickly disappears in a flash of light, causing Sima Yi to sigh exhaustedly.**

**Sima Yi is walking back to the room that had many of the former generals inside of it. He goes over to the bench area and approaches Sima Zhao.**

**"Where is Zhang He? I was told he gives you clothing." **

**"Why are you in your underwear?"**

**"Your mother stripped me."**

**"How did you know-"**

**"The resemblance is obvious."**

**"I guess she got pissed at how you were wearing her late husband's clothes. "**

**"Why?"**

**"It was hard for us, okay? Ever since my father died, things got out of control with the family. Seeing those clothes made us relive through that again."**

**"Uh-huh. Can I please get some clothes-"**

**"It was a rainy night, yet those flames kept going..." Sima Yi stops thinking about getting clothes and urges him,"Go on..."**

**"I still don't know how did I lose him to those flames... I swear I saw him one minute and the other he was gone."**

**"Go on.."**

**"I should have just stayed and searched a little more..."**

**"That's it?"**

**"Yes."**

_**Everyone I've talked to was a dead end. **_**"Now about the clothes."**

**"Yes, he's over there." He points to a tall bulky man with a big mohawk with a long strand of hair hanging behind it running down his back. He had stubble and has scars covering his face.**

**"That's not him..."**

**"You're right. That's Yue Jin."**

_**What the flying fuck happened to him?!**_

**"That one is Zhang He." Sima Zhao points to another tall man that has his long hair tied up into a high ponytail with random hair strands hanging as out of the edge of his forehead. The hair was a mix of red and black. He was wearing scaly robes and armor.**

**"Okay, that looks more like him." Sima Yi goes over to ask,"I was told you give clothing to those who need it." **

**"Why are you in your underwear?" Zhang He's voice is no longer high-pitched. It was a mix between average and deep tones.**

**"Long story." _ Wow, his every word sounds depressing now with his new voice. He changed a LOT. I don't even hear him commenting on how drab my underwear looks. He's... normal and it's scary._**

**"Well, I hope you don't them being stolen."**

**"You steal now?"**

**"Well, the ones who originally owned them are dead, so..." Zhang He takes out a bag filled with bloodied scaly clothes.**

**"...Um... Why are they soaked in blood?"**

**"I took them off the aliens."**

**"But it's covered in blood-Okay. Do you have clothes made of cloth or cotton?"**

**"Those are scarce these days. We are making clothes out of animal skin or alien skin."**

_**Wait, what? **_**"Okay, I'll take the animal skin clothes."**

**"Want armor?"**

**"Sure." **

**"Here you go." Zhang He holds out some scaly skin.**

**"That's just what you offer me."**

**"It doubles as armor."**

**"Fine. Why is your hair red? I don't see any ink or paint around here."**

**"Yeah, ink and paint is hard to get, so we use the blood from the dead aliens. It doubles as hair dye as well." **

_**Forget about me saying he is being normal. He still has a few screws loose. **_**"Thanks..."**

**"Want some? Your hair is looking very grey."**

**"No thank you." _Forget it. It's the same old Zhang He except his taste for blood and flesh is a fashion statement._**

* * *

**Sima Yi is in his new clothes as he sat in a bench. There were more people sitting in the bench with him giving him looks. Yue Jin was eating handfuls of fried eyeballs and the people next to him turned their heads away from the sight. Sima Yi clears his throat.**

**"So, what are you people's stories?" Yue Jin stops eating and says,"Got sick of being short. The alien tech made me the ideal warrior." Xiahou Dun slowly turns his head, but it wasn't in Yue Jin's direction.**

**"Hey, you cheated! I'm the only one around here without bionics or robots or some s*bleep* like that!"**

**"I'm over here." Xiahou Dun quickly turns to the right direction.**

**"Hey, you cheated! I'm the only one around here that..." He says the same thing from before. **

**"Hey, it helps you survive. Look at Zhang Liao. He came back with alien heads stuck on the soles of his boots."**

**"Well, he also sold out." At the end of the bench sat a very big man with giant metal arms resting on the bench. His face was also made completely out of metal and had glowing red eyes. He talks robotically,"Xiahou Dun. Once you bash in a million aliens in one day, you will be as triumph as I am." Xiahou Dun turns in the wrong direction and says,"Hey, at least I look remotely human unlike someone there."**

**"I'm over here." Xiahou Dun turns in the right direction and repeats what he just said. He adds,"Lu Bu never got upgraded."**

**"And look what happened to him. He went out in a blaze of glory after rushing the mothership."**

**"At least he died doing something he loved." **

**"Yeah, I guess. But now what? His daughter's now an orphan." **

**"Where is she?"**

**"Oh, she got lost in what used to be Shu and she is now like me. Made of metal.**

**"And grossly non-human."**

**"Not really... Her head is the only human thing left. Well, along with some stuff in her brain to enhance thinking and memory." **

**"See? All of you are sell-outs to the technology!"**

**"Wouldn't it hurt for you to at least get new eyes?" **

**"I... Uh... Mrrgh." **

**Sima Yi ignores that conversation and turns to Cao Pi, Zhen Ji, and Wang Yi along with four unfamiliar people near them.**

**"So, what happened to you?" Cao Pi responds,"I was executed right after my father by the aliens, but they did it sloppily, so I was somewhat still alive. I was saved... a few days later..." Zhen Ji comments,"I'm sorry. You were an unrecognizable mess until I got a good look at what was left of your face and body. Oh, look at the bright side. You have metal in all of the right places including down-" Sima Yi interrupts her,"Ah, I don't think anyone here wants to hear that..."**

**"Aw, you're just jealous because you have ED."**

**"ED?"**

**"Erectile dysfunction is common in old men like you."**

**_Right, right. I look like an old man right now, but I seriously want to punch her right now! _"Oh, no I don't."**

**"That's the first step: Denial." **

**"Alright. What's your story, Lesbi-I mean-Wang Yi?"**

**"I was almost captured by the invaders until everyone in this room managed to push them back and freed any prisoner. The war kept going and during that time, I learned my nemesis had been raped and killed by the aliens."**

**"Raped?"**

**"Sorry, that was in one of my murder fantasies of him. He just died and they ate his head like a piece of steak. Bone and all sadly."**

**"Why sadly...?"**

**"I want to keep the skull and to make sure it gets the worse treatment ever."**

**"I think being digested in an alien's stomach is the worst way to go..."**

**"You are right. He burns in hell just a single head being eaten by the Devil." **

**"Yup... Got it..." _She got a lot worse in the head here... _"How the hell did you create rock walls like before?"**

**"My arms have been replaced by special bionic limbs. They just have artificial flesh on them made from alien fat." Sima Yi turns slightly green and turns to the four people sitting next to Wang Yi.**

**"Huh...****Who are those four over there?" He looks at a hunched over man smoking three pipes at once with his long hair hanging far down to the bottom of the bench, and a woman with red hair and red streaks on her cheeks. Two more people that sat next to them is a man with long blonde hair with stubble around his chin and a buff bald-headed man covered in spiky armor.**

**"Ah, Jia Xu, Cai Wenji, Guo Jia, and Cao Ren." Sima Yi spits out water he was drinking out of a cup and it lands on Cao Pi's face causing the metal part to shoot out sparks and the glowing red eye turns off. He falls off his chair lifelessly. Zhen Ji goes over frantically to wipe off any water off him. She takes out a small gun and shoots it into Cao Pi's fleshy cheek to have the eye glow red again.**

**"Be careful where you spit!" Sima Yi coughs and clears his throat.**

**"Sorry. So... uh... Why does Jia Xu have three pipes...?" Wang Yi answers,"Alcohol is rare here since everyone drinks now, so smoking is another way to blow off steam. He's smoking three to triple the relaxing effect. Not sure if it works, but he does it."**

**"And... Cai Wenji...?" _ Oh my god, is she the girl in the relationship with Wang Yi? Because I can totally see that. If she were lesbian._**

**"Oh yes... She's changed a lot after the war happened. She used to be the sweetest person around, but... Well... She's isn't a natural redhead. Let's just say she got some training from Zhang He in both war and gorey fashion."**

**"Alright, those last two."**

**"Guo Jia and Cao Ren. Guo Jia is a long story while Cao Ren is just sad. Which one do you want to hear?"**

**"Both. I have time."**

**"We all do. The guy you see looking like Thor over there is the former adviser to the late Cao Cao. He was often drinking and having sex to the point where you think this guy would be the best in an apocalypse. He still is now, but considering there are five women in here, he doesn't get to do much." **

**"Hey, don't talk about people right in front of them!" yelled out Guo Jia.**

**_Does everyone here get stubble and long hair in the future? _"Hey, stay quiet and be part of the scenery when she gives exposition. Now, what were you saying?"**

**"I have had sex with him five times."**

**"Wait, what?"**

**"All of us woman sort of lost our standards and just took what we got. Just don't do family members and you're fine."**

**"So are you saying she..." He was pointing at Zhang Chunhua smoking on the other end of the bench. "...has done him...?"**

**"Oh, she hasn't given any man the time of day."**

**"Oh... So women?"**

**"She has to be really bored to do that."**

**"Fine. Give me Cao Ren's story."**

**"He has fought in the war with all of the former Wei ****veterans and is one of the survivors. Some did not make it, but died heroes to us. And Cao Ren can turn into a spiky ball that can crush anything in its way! Isn't that cool?"**

**"Who didn't make it out of the war?"**

**"Let me see..." Wang Yi holds out her hand to point at her fingers while listing people.**

**"Dian Wei...Xu Chu... Li Dian... Xiahou Yuan... Yu Jin... Guo Huai but is being revived as we speak, Wen Yang but being revived, Zhuge Dan...Zhong Hui but is a screechy robot now... Xiahou Ba's dead... who else...? Oh, and Jia Chong. He is really dead."**

**"Why are you putting emphasis on that?"**

**"Because his death was the goriest thing ever. The aliens flayed him and then ate-"**

**"Okay! Stop!"**

**"I know... It is stomach-churning even for me... Anything else you want to know?"**

**"I'm fine. Thank you for your information." Wang Yi slips and paper over to him. and he reads it silently. He then looks back up at her.**

**"Take Xiahou Dun to Deng Ai for eye transplant."**

**"...Why me?"**

**"Because you are not important to us."**

_**No, I am fucking important! **_**"Fine... Might as well do something until I figure out what to do here."**

* * *

**Sima Yi approaches Xiahou Dun and talks to him with Xu Huang's voice.**

**"Master Xiahou Dun. They are serving eyeball nuggets for food now."**

**"Ooh, really? Where?"**

**"I will escort you there because I'd like some of that as well!"**

**"Alright." He follows Sima Yi as he leads him into the warehouse where Deng Ai was in. When they get in, Zhong Hui flies up to them greeting them,"Oh, hey! You finally got your dumb ass here to get to those new eyes, I see!"**

** Xiahou Dun angrily turns to the wall and yells out,"You lied to me! You took me here to get those new eyes!" Sima Yi stays quiet about where he really was and points at Xiahou Dun with both of his hands to Zhong Hui. Zhong Hui's robotic body has a giant arm come out and drags Xiahou Dun deeper into the warehouse by the collar. He thrashes around and Zhong Hui taunts,"Haha! My body now has a stronger propeller and I now can stay in the air no matter how hard you hit me!" Sima Yi leaves the warehouse and when the door closes, loud yelling and clanging is heard within the warehouse. When he stands outside of the warehouse, he sees all of the warriors grabbing weapons and running out of the armory. **

**"What is going on?" **

**"A raid carried out by aliens. They love to go after this one." A cloud of smoke makes its way into Sima Yi's face and he coughs. He turns to see Zhang Chunhua standing there with a pipe in her mouth. He angrily yells out,"You have to stop doing that! You will kill everyone in here with your smoke before the aliens get to this place!"**

**"They are already here. But... they will be gone after a while..." **

**"Why the hell do you seem so calm about this?!"**

**"Because every single person out there will not let those things overrun this place."**

**"Why aren't you out there then?"**

**"Hm? Why aren't you out there?"**

**"You go first." A giant gun barrel is aimed at his face. He ducks down and the gun goes off, killing an alien that was behind Sima Yi. He stands back up and yells out,"You could have given a warning!"**

**"But you ducked. You figured something out. Take the weapons off of that alien and use them." Sima Yi sees a sword and two guns on the alien's belt. He goes down to take them.**

**"I guess this is better than using a whisk... Wait..." He stands back up and turns to Zhang Chunhua. "Do you have any... special modifications to yourself?"**

**"Only two."**

**"And...?"**

**"One is my lungs and the other is one of my arms."**

**"Why your lungs...?"**

**"Well, I could run forever and move my body without having to stop and catch my breath."**

**"Oh, I thought it had to do with your smoking problem."**

**"That is a bonus for me. My enhanced lungs filter out smoke."**

**"Then what the hell is the point of smoking?!" A cloud of smoke hits his face again and he swats it away angrily.**

**"You're rather lively for an old man."**

**"I am confused on your logic here!"**

**"Don't think about it then." The warehouse door behind them opens and Zhong Hui flies out happily announcing,"Haha! It's another operation that is a success! Too bad we can't be paid for this..." **

**"You do realize currency has no value anymore now, right?" Zhong Hui's screen turns into a blue frowning face. ****"Oh right... I miss being rich and having a body made of flesh..." The screen then changes into a green smiling face. "Anyway, here is the new Xiahou Dun." The robot flies out of the doorway and Xiahou Dun walks out. His eyes were behind black shades that were connected to his face. The black shades retract to reveal eyes with tiny lines within the corneas. **

**"I can see... And now I know how ugly Sima Qian here looks. And where all of that smoke was coming from."**

**"It was mostly Jia Xu." commented Zhang Chunhua.**

**"But I recognize the smoke smell and it comes from your pipe."**

**"...You have eyes now and aliens are trying to raid the safehouse. Get to protecting." Xiahou Dun has his black shades protract back over his eyes and says monotonously,"I never asked for this." He walks past the two and heads out of the armory. Sima Yi gestures the way Xiahou Dun just walked in front of Zhang Chunhua.**

**"Well, ladies first." **

**"I think the real lady here is you." Sima Yi freezes and puts on a forced smile with one half-furrowed eyebrow. **

**"Aren't we supposed to protect his safehouse?"**

**"They don't need me and I am not feeling psychotic today." Another cloud of smoke makes its way to Sima Yi's face and nose. He takes away the pipe from her hands and snaps it in half with two fingers. **

**"You feeling psychotic now?" Zhang Chunhua's hand where her pipe was taken away from twitched along with her eyebrows. **

**"Haha, not so tough without your little pipe-y!"**

**"..." She drops her hand and stands there staring blankly at Sima Yi for a moment. Suddenly, her mouth spews out what seemed like endless amounts of smoke in Sima Yi's face.**

**"Ugggh! How much smoke did your lungs store up?!" The smoke blows around Sima Yi until he starts to see sparks of flame getting onto him. The little flames get bigger and eventually engulfed him in fire. He yells out and jumps around trying to put it out.**

**"Ah! Ah! Hot! Argh! You kiss your mother with that mouth?! Ahhh!" **

**"She's dead."**

**"Your father!"**

**"He's dead."**

**"Your husband!"**

**"He's dead."**

**_Oh, right. I'm dead. _"Your sons?!"**

**"Well... Not at their age anyway... Now go outside and assist in killing the raiders." She grabs him and drags him out of the armory, Sima Yi still burning. Out in the room with the main entrance, the warriors slice up aliens pouring in through the entrance. Zhang Chunhua throws the still burning Sima Yi the entrance, causing the aliens coming in to be engulfed in flames also. They yell out and that leaves them open to be killed by the warriors. Any ones remaining leave the safehouse scared and had some flames on their clothes. Sima Yi lied there still covered in fire, groaning.**

**_How long do I have to put up with this? _**

_**About a month. **_

_**What the hell?! Whose voice is that?!**_

**_Hello, it's Nu Wa. I can hear your thoughts from up here in Heaven. _**

**_Hey, how do I work this thing?_**

**_Fu Xi, just press the green button._**

**_Oh, got it! Hello, heretic!_**

**_I am not a heretic! _**

**_Then give us prayers. _**

**_I'm burning alive by flames caused by smoke. Yes, it is how it sounds. I think I've lost my faith in you two... _**

**_No! I just need two more prayers before I can redeem bedtime with-_**

**_Fu Xi, get off the line. _**

**_Okay... *click*_**

**_Now, Sima Yi, you just need to live amongst these survivors until you see the truth._**

**_Oh, what now? Am I on a spiritual religious trip for you?_**

**_It would really reel in the prayers for me, but that is not the case. You just need to see it for yourself. *click followed by a beep*_**

**A splash of blood hits Sima Yi, putting out the fire. He gets up groaning in disgust.**

**"What the...?" He wipes blood out of his eyes and sees Cao Pi with a bucket dripping with blood.**

**"That was for spitting water on me earlier." Xiahou Dun runs over and yells out,"You bastard! That was for tonight's dessert! B****lood gelatin was something I was going to make!" Zhang He pushes him,"No! That was going to be three months worth of hair dye and nail polish!" Sima Yi turns green at those possible uses of the blood on him and asks,"Whose blood is this...?"**

**"Look around you. Those bodies are where the blood came from."**

**"Oh god..." _And you were going to eat and wear this?! _ "Can I wash up...?" **

**"Sure. Go outside. No running water here."**

**"There are people with robotic limbs and there is no running water here?" Xiahou Dun says to him,****"We have to get a few people to go up to the surface and bring back tanks of water from the rivers. You would have to go outside and soak yourself in the water, but run the risk of aliens killing you. So, who wants some eyeball nuggets with blood sauce?"**

**"...No thank you... How do I get rid of this blood?" Zhang He examines the blood-soaked clothes and says,"To be honest, those clothes look great in that shade of red. Thank you for giving me an idea to make new clothes out of. Now I really need some of the blood." Xiahou Dun yells to him,"Hey, what about my dessert?!"**

**"Of course you can have your dessert! Just don't take fifty buckets worth and we will be fine."**

**"I have to walk around soaked in dried blood from now on until I get to a water source...?"**

**"Yeah. We're not letting you contaminate our drinking water with your bloody self."**

**"...Fine."**

**"You can help us harvest resources from these bodies."**

**"...I'll pass."**

**"Since you have the ability to complain and survive being burned alive, you have to contribute."**

**"But-" Sima Yi has a corpse thrown at him and Xiahou Dun throws a knife into the body.**

**"Get to it."**

**"...Arggh..." **

**In the rations room of the safehouse, Sima Yi groans in disgust as he cuts up the alien corpses to take out organs, extract the blood out of the body into a bucket, and to skin the scaly bodies. **

**"I didn't know everyone here became barbarians..." The door opens to have Jia Xu walk in slowly with his three smoking pipes in his hand held between his fingers. **

**"Hey, can you give me the livers of those things?"**

**"...Why?"**

**"I heard they drink special space alcohol and I want to smoke that." **

**"...Um... Well, it's in this bucket along with other organs." Jia Xu walks over to take the whole bucket filled with internal organs. Xiahou dun runs over and stops his hand.**

**"Hey! Take only three, junkie!"**

**"What are YOU going to do with these?"**

**"Making food for us! We need food! Not ways to get high!"**

**"Can I take a brain? I heard them gives you the memories of that alien."**

**"...Fine. Brains taste awful anyway." Jia xu uses his free hand to grab two livers and a brain and leaves the room. Xiahou Dun turns to Sima Yi and tells him,"Don't go around giving away the precious resources to the junkie there."**

**"I doubt this stuff is 'precious'... Do you consider _that_ precious?" He points to a large long thing censored out by mosaics on the ground near the corpse he was working on.**

**"Well... I just serve that to the women here passing it off as steak or nuggets."**

**"What?!" _That's a bit... well... dirty and a bit sexist..._**

**"I should start serving to the males since I heard eating a phallic object would enhance their own phallic object and that would be helpful for the restoration of human populations."**

**"Uhhhh..." _Thank god I never ate any of the food served here ever since I got here. Maybe the eyeball nuggets don't seem that bad compared to eating a fried alien penis. _"Okay, am I done yet?"**

**"One more since Zhang He hogged all of the other corpses to get to the blood first. Damn him getting in the way of my sweet precious blood jelly!"**

**"...Is it that good to you?"**

**"Once you get used to it, it's bloody taste is heavenly."**

**"Nevermind... Just give me the corpse." **

**Half an hour later, Sima Yi walks out of the room with his clothes soaked in blood. His footsteps make squishing sounds as he walked back to the armory room to take a seat at a bench. Sima Zhao is in the bench as well and he scoots away from Sima Yi. **

**"You stink like smoke and rotten corpses!" **

**"That's because I was burnt by your mother and was soaked in blood earlier."**

**"You do need a soak in the water! Ugh!" Sima Shi walks by the bench and pinches his nose.**

**"Ugh, what is the smell? Zhao, did this old man s*bleep* his pants?"**

**"No, he just needs to wash the dried blood off of himself."**

**"But that would mean going outside and getting into danger."**

**"Well... We could go with him at the same time getting some water for the safehouse."**

**"Hmm... Maybe later." The door opens behind them and Wang Yuanji walks in and goes up to Sima Yi.**

**"There you are! I thought I lost you back in the resting chambers!" Sima Yi tells her,"I am fine. I just need a bath!"**

**"An old man like you can't just waltz out of here just to bathe!" Sima Zhao says,****"Well... You can escort him."**

**"I am not a skilled fighter. I can only help by giving medical treatment."**

**"Right..." **

**"Why don't you and Shi take him?" **

**"I don't know..." Sima Zhao looks around and sighs. "Maybe I do need to go outside. I can't be just breathing in Mother's smoke the whole month." **

**"How about taking her as well? She needs a place to spit out all of that smoke from her lungs." **

**"I don't know if she would." Sima Yi watches the two talking while Sima Shi asks him,"Yuanji told me your name was Sima Qian. Is that right?"**

**"Yes...?"**

**"Are you related to me?"**

**"...Sort of...?"**

**"In what way?"**

**"I'm... your thrice-removed cousin."**

**"Why are you so old then?"**

**"Married a little late to one of your grand nieces."**

**"You mean very late."**

**"Right..." Sima Zhao goes over to talk to him and Sima Shi,"Alright, it's settled. We are going to escort our thrice-removed cousin to a water source for him to get cleaned up or else we'll die from the smell."**

**"It seems a bit much to take an old man outside just to bathe..."**

**"So you want him to go alone?"**

**"Well..." Sima Shi holds out a sword to Sima Yi. ****"It's too dangerous to go alone. Take this."**

**"You expect him to know how to use that?!"**

**"Um... I do know how to use one."**

**"Good. Take this." Sima Yi takes the sword out of courtesy. **

_**I could maybe dual wield... Do I know how? Ah, I'll figure it out. **_**"Thank you...? So, when are we leaving?"  
**

**"Tomorrow." They all turn to the voice's directions to see Zhang Chunhua walking up to them with Wang Yuanji following her behind.**

**"Huh? Why?" asked Sima Shi. "It will be dangerous."**

**"Like as Yuanji said, I need some oxygen in my lungs. Besides, l****ast time I let you two protect an old man, you lost him." Sima Shi and Sima Zhao froze and look down at the ground with guilty looks on their faces. Sima Yi makes a frown and mutters,"I bet I wasn't even that old when this world's me died..." **

**"What was that?"**

**"Nothing."**

**"And nothing will happen to me." She bites on her pipe and takes out two giant rifles and points them at her sons' heads. "You need to worry about yourselves." They stood there sweating and yelled out quickly,"Yes! We will do that!" **

_**Wow, these two grew into men in six years and all of that gets undone by their smoke-a-holic mother...**_**"Sure, blow off your sons' heads. That is totally the best parenting technique you got here." Zhang Chunhua quickly puts away the guns and holds her pipe in one of her free hands to blow a puff of smoke in his face.**

**"Be glad we are actually helping you here because you will torn apart once you step one foot out of here."**

**_I really want to both hit you and have sex with you. What the?! Stop thinking that way, brain! Grr... But I sort of like it when she blows smoke at me-What did I say, you floating wrinkled sack?! _"I am so grateful for you three being my babysitters." He said sarcastically.**

**"Heh, your tone there sounded like my ex-husband for a moment there."**

**"Ex...?"**

**"Well, we were still married when he died, but I am no longer married to him since he is officially a corpse."**

**"Aw, so sad."**

**"There it is again. You have his tone of sarcasm. Strange for a trice-removed cousin. Anyway, all of us should go to bed since we will be going at dawn to avoid as much encounters with those things as possible."**

**"Where will I be sleeping?" When Sima Yi asked that, Zhang Chunhua makes a smirk while blowing out a few clouds of smoke at him.**

**"I don't like your smile. Where am I going?"**

**"Somewhere... As long as you won't be stinking up our chambers here."**

**The next scene shows Sima Yi lying on a steel floor surrounded by scrap metal and wires. His pillow and blanket was alien skin still covered in blood. Loud whirring is heard further in the warehouse. Zhong Hui flies over with his propeller flapping loudly near Sima Yi. He talks in a taunting voice,"Haha! Looks like that old hag sent you here to avoid you stinking up the bedrooms over in the resting area! Well, I don't need to sleep! I can keep going as long you keep feeding me oil! Heheheheh!" The screen makes a laughing face and Sima Yi clutches his pillow angrily at his chatter. Zhong Hui continues talking until Sima Yi sits up to punch him hard enough to send him back flying deep into the warehouse. He plops down back on the floor resting his head on his pillow.**


	3. Gods in your head Joan of Arc-ing?

**Sima Yi is sleeping on the floor until Zhong Hui zips up and hovers over him yelling,"Get up! Get up! Get up Getupgetupgetupgetupllelelele-" Sima Yi angrily glares at the robot as he layed there and quickly punches it upwards. **

**"Shut up! Stupid robot..." He angrily sits up and Zhong Hui flies back to him.**

**"You have to goooo to a water source! To cleeean your stinky ass up! Or unless you don't mind a blast of fire up your ass... Fine, be late."**

**"From whom... You? Haha!"**

**"You know that smoking old hag? One of her arms could create giant pillars of fire! Hint: It's the hand she smokes with." Several robotic arms come out to present Sima Yi two swords and two guns.**

**"Here's your swords and guns, go get stuff."**

**"Alright..." Sima Yi takes them and is about to open the door to leave when Zhong Hui zips in front of him.**

**"Wait!"**

**"What now?" He hears footsteps behind him and he turns to see Deng Ai come out of the darker part of the warehouse with a suit of armor that walked on its own.**

**"It's that suit of armor again. Wen Yang, I presume?" The helmet had only glowing red eyes inside. Metal now covered up where the mouth would be. **

**"Wen Yang doesn't have a physical body anymore, just a metal skeleton under this. Best to not remove the armor if you would not like to be creeped out with the skeleton."**

** "I heard you were reviving Guo Huai."**

**"I couldn't. I failed because SOMEONE decided to fly by and knock down oil into my workstation, messing up the whole process and destroying Guo Huai's DNA along with it." Zhong Hui apologizes but without any actual sympathy,"I am sooooo sorry that I put the coughing man to rest and not allowed him to be revived into a sh*bleep*ty metal body like mine!"**

**"Oh well, he is gone now but at least Wen Yang here will be helping you by carrying the tanks of the water you will bring back during your visit to a water source within the area. It's also good to see if Wen Yang was revived properly." **

**"How does he act?"**

**"He maintains his original personality. Wen Yang, please accompany this man." Wen Yang turns to bow at Sima Yi. His voice is almost like it was before, but with a robotic tone.**

**"Pleased to be of service. Where are the tanks?"**

**"Over there." Wen Yang walks off to come back holding four giant steel tanks with ease. Sima Yi then leaves the warehouse with him following behind him. They walk through the armory and into the room with the main entrance. Xiahou Dun leaned against next the door. He tells Sima Yi,"Those three are already up there." He opens the door for him and Sima Yi climbs the stairs to meet a bright light hitting his face. He stands in the middle of a plain covered with a mix of dead and alive grass. Wen Yang says to him,"It seems the land had gotten much worse in the past years."**

**"How long ago did you die?"**

**"About three years ago. I was buried under rubble, so maybe that's why it took so long for anyone to find my corpse."  
**

**"Wow. Were you...?"**

**"I was dead to feel anything."**

**"Where did you go then after death?"**

**"It was just pure white and no matter how far you ran, you will never reach a wall or fence." **

**"That's interesting." Sima Shi and Sima Zhao approach the two. **

**"There you are. And ****this is...?"**

**"Hey, it's Wen Yang. I'd recognize that funky armor anywhere! Looks like he is finally fixed up." Sima Zhao goes up to slap Wen Yang's back,"How are you doing-" The helmet falls off to reveal a metal skull with red eyes and black messy hair on its head. **

**"Aaaah!" Sima Zhao jumps backwards and quickly picks up the helmet to stick it back onto Wen Yang's metal skull. **

**"What the hell?! Why the hell do you have hair?!" yelled out a shocked Sima Yi. Wen Yang answers,"Well, my hair was intact even after I died."**

**"It's creepy that a skeleton has hair!"**

**"A metal skeleton." **

**"Skeletons don't even have hair!"**

**"Cao Pi is half metal skeleton and he has hair."**

**"Exactly! Half! Part of him is still able to grow hair! You're made of completely metal!"**

**"Well, I was dead for three years! I should at least be able to have something that makes me look remotely human!" **

**"You don't even have a physical human body!" Wen Yang removes his helmet again to show off his metal skull along with his red electronic eyeballs glaring at Sima Yi.**

**"Please put the helmet back on. Your eyeballs are looking like they are going to fall out of your skull."**

**"You know what? I'll just going to leave my helmet off just to scare you." **

**"Ugh, no! Wait, how are you going to carry the tanks? Huh?" Wen Yang looks down to see the four steel tanks he put down and groans.**

**"Darn it." He puts his helmet back on reluctantly to pick up the four tanks again. **

_**I'd hate to see what the rest of his body looks like if his head looks THAT. **_

**Sima Shi says to the three in front of him,"Hurry up with your argument about whether or not skeletons should have hair and let's get going. I'd hate to keep Mother waiting considering she offered to come along with us."**

**"Right, right." They all walked to a dirt trail that had Zhang Chunhua standing on it blowing out puffs of smoke. **

**"You're still smoking out here?" commented Sima Yi.**

**"You were taking too long arguing about whether or not a skeleton should have hair." **

**"You heard that?"**

**"Well, I heard Shi telling you that. Anyway, let's go." **

**"Where are we going?"**

**"South. There is the Yangtze, which still has running water, but it is protected by what is left of the Wu and Shu armies."**

**"They are allies now?"**

**"Not exactly. They occasionally raid each other's safehouses when the aliens are quiet, but somehow, they forgive each other and I fail to see the logic in that." She looks over at Wen Yang and says,"He's back up and running, I see."**

**"I am coming with you to get water from the rivers."**

**"I see that." A loud screechy yell could be heard behind the group and they all turned around to see at the entrance of the safehouse, a steel ball shoots out of it and lands near them. **

**"What the...?" The steel ball has a propeller stick out of it and it flies upwards to be within everyone's eye level. At its center was a teal eye-like structure that was shifting constantly like a real eye. It finally talks,"Ah! Finally! I'm outside! It's been three years since I have seen the sun!" Sima Yi frowns and mutters,"Oh no... You again..."**

**"That's right! I am told to follow you fellows around and to pick up any scrap alien stuff that is lying around for Deng Ai. And he even gave me a new body that makes me look like a giant blue eye. But look! I shoot lasers!" Zhong Hui's 'eye' has a small cannon shoot out a thin beam of blue light. **

**"Pew! Pew! Pe-GAH!" Zhan Chunhua jams her pipe into Zhong Hui's eye.**

**"Don't waste your energy."**

**"Owowowowow! I got it!" She removes her pipe and Zhong Hui hovers over Sima Yi. **

**"Is there anyone else that would like to join our party?"**

**"Nope. Lead the way." **

**The party follows the dirt trail for a while until they see a select area infested with armed aliens. They were surrounding a small group of cages which that what was inside were humans. They see a ship fly up into the air after some aliens push more cages out of it.**

**"There are people in those things."**

**"Are they people we know?"**

**"We have to get a closer look then." They get close enough to get a view of the cages. There was a man in one that looked pathetic and had a scraggly goatee. His long black hair hung freely and there were grey stripes in his hair. Another man sits inside another cage and he also had long black hair but just has stubble on his chin. **

**"Damn, I still can't recognize them. We need to get closer." Zhong Hui insults Sima Yi,"Well, your eyes suck." Sima Yi, without turning around, punches him, making Zhong Hui fly into a tree.**

**"OW! Right in the motherboard...!" His eye closes as his body rolls around after falling away from the tree. Sima Shi tells Sima Yi,"I know who the one in the beard is... The one who killed my father..."**

**"Who?"**

**"It's Zhuge Liang. Never thought I'd see him like this. Ha! Not so high and mighty now, huh you bastard?"**

**"Really...? He looks disgusting..."**

**"I suggest we just let him die and save the rest." **

**"Wait, I think we should save him. You want to know what happened to your father, right? You can get information out of him before you kill him."**

**"You make a point there... But I just don't feel right saving the one who sent my father to his death."**

_**Zhuge Liang killing me? Ha! I bet it was just luck! **_**"So, how are going to this?"**

**"Hmm..."**

**"Send the droids in first." said Zhang Chunhua. Zhong Hui angrily yells,"I'm a droid now?!" Wen Yang comments,"Why am I lumped in with that thing? I resemble a human, so I should at least called an android!"**

**"You're a metal skeleton."**

**"And what do humans have? Skeletons!" She turns back to the cages in the distance and says,****"Send in the two robots."**

**"Come on! Now we're just generic old robots?!" yelled out the two robots.**

**"Take it or leave it at 'droids'."**

**"Fine, droids!" **

**"You two are making too much noise! Make yourselves useful and do as you were commanded." **

**"We still have feelings, you know."**

**"And that is unfortunate." Sima Zhao tells them,"Hey, look over there. There's something happening." Everyone watches the area to see a few people run in to kill off many of the alien guards. **

**"Looks like someone else has decided to save the people in the cages." **

_**I can't let them! I have to find out what happened to me from Zhuge Liang! He might know something these people don't know! Grr... I wonder if I can convince these folks to go assist those people.**_** "Since those guards are distracted, we can probably sweep in to take their glory." Zhong Hui zips around and happily says,"Yeah! He's got a pint there! Let's do it!" **

**"We have to bide our time or else things will go wrong." Sima Zhao says,"They might have resources we can take." Sima Shi watches the area the entire time and finally says,"Let's go then. It looks like it will be very easy once we let those other people do the work for us. Once we run in there, they will think we were helping and might assist us." Zhang Chunhua sighs, blowing out a cloud of smoke and says,"Well, if you really want to do that, I suppose I won't stop you."**

**"Let's go then!" Zhong Hui gets ahead of the group and flies over to the area shooting laser beams at the fighting aliens. The rest followed suit and run down to the area. The aliens are surprised at their arrival.**

**"What the-? There are more of them?! Argh!" They got distracted and the mysterious attackers took advantage of that. Zhong Hui flies around an alien guard trying to hit taunting,"You can't get me! You can't get me! Pa-pow!" He shoots bigger laser beam at its head, creating a hole in its forehead. Wen Yang uses the steel tanks he was carrying to bash in alien guards' heads along with his free legs to kick them. Sima Shi and Sima Zhao use their laser-modified swords to cut through alien hoards with ease. Zhang Chunhua blows large clouds of smoke to blind the aliens before shooting them with giant space rifles. Sima yi was trying to use his laser sword to attack an alien, but someone usually comes in to kill it before him.**

**"Damn... Everyone here is a built killing machine. I can't compete with these people." An alien finally attacks Sima Yi and he swings at its head, cutting right across its face. The alien's head splits in half and it falls down lifeless. **

**"I wonder what this does." He takes out his gun and it shoots purple energy bullets into another alien. **

**"Ahahahaha! This is pretty fun to use!" He runs and finds himself standing in front of the cages containing the humans. He gets closer to see Zhuge Liang sitting in there with droopy eyes and unmoving mouth. His clothes were his original robes, but completely dirty and ragged.**

**"Hello, old friend." Zhuge Liang slowly lifts his head up and he makes a confused expression.**

**"...Who are you...?"**

**"Right... I'm in some disguise right now... Well, I am Sima Yi, stuck with an old man face."**

**"Sima Yi died six years ago. No way he could be still alive."**

**"Didn't you kill him?"**

**"I wish... But then again, even if I did kill him, I would be the one that caused Earth's doom."**

**"Wait, you never killed Sima Yi?"**

**"That's what everyone thought and I... well... just accepted it as fact myself..."**

_**You bastard... I knew you could never kill me, and yet you're here. Sitting there, looking like a hobo. **_**"Well, this is interesting. Then what caused the fire at Wu Zhang?"**

**"I don't know. Everyone thought I did it, but it was not true. To be honest, no one knows what happened to Sima Yi. And because of that man's disappearance, Wei's armies were weakened and couldn't protect Cao Cao from certain death. Just I couldn't protect Liu Bei along with Zhou Yu and the other Lu strategists failing to protect the Suns' two patriarchs."**

**"How is he?"**

**"Hm? He is down south. Don't know what happened to him though... All I know is that any former Wu officer is making sure no one is just taking water from the Yangtze." **

**"The Yangtze is a large river. They can't guard the whole thing."**

**"Heh... You people aren't the only ones that stole alien technology to make your own devices. And I know a certain someone that did exactly that. She's here right now."**

**"She? Oh no." **

**"Oh yes." Sima Yi turns around to see that a man with a mane of extremely long hair riding a giant metal horse with a spear with a glowing green blade attacking the people he is traveling with.**

**"Wait! What is he doing?" Zhuge Liang looks over and says,"Oh no, he is attacking the wrong people! Where the hell is she to stop him?"**

**"Who the hell is that?"**

**"Zhao Yun."**

**"Why the hell is his hair taking most of the space of the horse?!"**

**"We never took time to cut our hair. You are going to have to put some sense in him to protect your friends." **

**"He can have a taste of this!" He takes out his guns and shoots many bullets towards Zhao Yun, but he uses his spear's blade to absorb the energy of those bullets. **

**"Ah! He could do that?!" **

**"Those kinds of guns won't work with him." Zhao Yun stops attacking Sima Yi's allies and starts to go after him.**

**"Ah! Now I'm the one getting attacked!"**

**"Just let him come here." Zhao Yun rides over to where Sima Yi and talks to him,"What are you Wei people doing here?"**

**"Why are you here?"**

**"To save Zhuge Liang."**

**"And what about the other people?"**

**"I know. I will be taking those as well. Get out of the way." Zhuge Liang waves at Zhao Yun and says,"Don't worry. They are not meant to harm me. He just wants answers to Sima Yi's death, that's all. I told him what he needs to know and he should be leaving. Where is Yue Ying?"**

**"She is here, but she is beaten by that woman that breathes out a giant cloud of pollution." Sima Yi asks him,"Um... how...?"**

**"Well, Yue Ying came in wearing a modified alien exoskeleton, but that woman just slaps her hand into the ground and destroys her in one giant fire pillar."**

**"She's dead?"**

**"No. Just a little toasty." The rest of the characters walk up to them. Sima Shi looks over into the cage and narrows his eyes at Zhuge Liang. Zhuge Liang looks over at Sima Yi and says,"That boy is still angry with me, I see."**

**"Why don't you tell him the truth?"**

**"It's because I don't know the truth. Even if I didn't kill Sima Yi, I can't prove it because his body was never found." **

**"Great..." **

**"What is your name, by the way?"**

**"Sima Qian."**

**"Sima...? Wait..." Zhuge Liang stands up and gets a closer look at Sima Yi and says,"Strange... You look like Sima Yi, but just really old." **

_** He can see through the disguise?**_** "Really? What is it do I have that looks like him?"**

**"The eyes, the nose, and overall facial structure. But I can't be so sure since it has been six years since I last saw Sima Yi. He could have gained weight if he is still alive for all I know." **

_**Damn, I was hoping for someone here to figure out this disguise. Looks like I am supposed to look like an old man in this universe. **_**"Oh well, we'll just release everyone here and go out separate ways." Zhao Yun tells him,"We will be taking the refugees if you don't mind."**

**"Fine. Sure." Zhuge Liang adds,"Do you want to take in Xun Yu since he is of your former kingdom?"**

**"Xun Yu?"**

**"He is the other man with extremely long hair over there." Sima Yi walks over to another cage to see a man with stubble on his face and long hair spread out around him. His clothes was just sewed rags. **

**"This is Xun Yu?" Xun Yu lifts his head up and groans. His eyes were droopy, but they quickly become full of life again. He asks,"Are you here to save us?"**

**"Well, Zhao Yun is taking everyone except you apparently."**

**"Who are you...?"**

**"Sima Qian."**

**"Sima Qian died about... 200 years ago...Who are you really?"**

**_Ack! He knows about the real Sima Qian! Damn, I should expect this from a Xun! They know every other famous scholar in history or/and they are friends with one! _"Um... Sima Yi?"**

**"He died six years ago. Why is some old man trying to impersonate Simas...?"**

**_Damn it, Xun Yu! Why do you remember things?! "_Look, just... I can't explain my situation. I am Sima Yi from the past or present and am stuck here unless I find some truth!"**

**"...Oh... This again... I get it now..."**

**"Wait, what?"**

**"You are sent here on a spiritual trip for the gods, right?" Sima Yi falls down groaning exasperatedly. **

_**So much for good judgement. I actually thought he was going to figure me out. Kaguya made this difficult, alright.**_** "Nevermind. Do you want to be saved or not?"**

**"Of course." Sima Yi kicks down the cage door to let Xun Yu crawl out of it. Sima Yi comments,"You should really tie your hair unless you want to trip over a lot."**

**"I know... You have a hair tie or something?" **

**"Not on me." Sima Shi approaches the two and says,"Come on. We are going to continue our journey. The only things we could salvage here were alien weapons." **

**"Were you not going to kill Zhuge Liang?"**

**"I do not want to fight the troublesome poster boy. Maybe another time."**

**"What about our new buddy here?"**

**"He stinks, so he has to go bathe along with you. You are also starting to stink a lot worse with you sweating."**

**_Ouch. Brutal honesty. _"I spoken with Zhuge Liang and he said the river is guarded."**

**"That is right, but it is the best water we could probably get. Any small lake around the former Wei kingdom is polluted with alien junk and... their waste... The Yangtze is heavily protected by the survivors of what is formerly the Wu Kingdom. We manage to get water from there thanks to Zhang Liao proving his worth to them. I am not sure if we could do that, but it is worth a shot since they will not kill us unless we give them a reason to."**

**"Alright...Anything else should I know?"**

**"Sun Jian and Sun Ce were executed, leaving Sun Quan. The aliens were going to kill Sun Jian only, but Sun Ce decided to resist them to the very end, so they killed him."**

**"The aliens just killed all of the leaders here, huh?"**

**"They said to bring them our king, but unfortunately... We didn't have a king, but an emperor... And that just confused the aliens to the point they just killed the most important looking man around and that was Cao Cao. Some people started yapping and then Liu bei and the two Suns died as well." **

**"...Alright. Let's go. Give Xun Yu here a hair tie or something to cut his hair."**

* * *

**The party continues along on their journey on the dirt trail and they see a large river on the horizon. **

**"We're almost there." Wen Yang looks at the steel tanks he was carrying and asks,"You don't mind the tanks being a little stained with blood, right?"**

**"Did you make a hole in one of them?" said Sima Shi.**

**"No... Just a few scratches, but water won't pass through it..."**

**"Then it's fine." Xun Yu is walking behind the group trying to fix his absurdly long hair with a hair ribbon.**

**"Grr! Just stay up!"**

**"Just cut it!" yelled out Zhong Hui. "I have some cutters if you'd like!" A small hatch opens to have a scissor arm extend out to Xun Yu's head.**

**"No! This could be kept under control!" Sima Yi comments,"His hair is longer than all of the women's in the country... " **

**"Look, I was abducted by those aliens for two years! And two years in space is about ten times worth!" **

**"Wouldn't that make you very old then?"**

**"I know, but their technology helps them get to places faster without having to use up years. They told me it was two years, but what I felt was twenty."**

**"I assume they don't have barbers in space?"**

**"All of the aliens are bald. Including the ones that are considered female... I don't think they need them." **

**"How about you use your hair as a scarf? Wrap it around your neck."**

**"That's a hazard!"**

**"Then just let your hair collect s*bleep* until we get to the river." The group continues to walk with some small conversations being made as they go along. Sima Yi gets closer to the front with Sima Shi and Zhang Chunhua. He asks the two,"I'm just wondering here, but what could you tell me about your dead... patriarch?"**

**"Hm? It's nothing to ask about. He simply passed on."**

**"Yes... He burned to death in an ambush. Just a lucky victory for Zhuge Liang at the time..." **

**"Don't you miss him?" _Not that I want to know. Just curious. Yes, just curious. _**

**_Yeah right. You want to know if you were actually missed by your family. _**

**_Shut up, brain!_**

**_No, it's me. Nu Wa?_**

**_You get out too!_**

**"Miss him? Well... Of course I do... but... Knowing him, he wouldn't want that and to sit around mourning him won't bring him back.**

_**I'm standing right here. But I guess I'm not the right Sima Yi they want. **_**"Well then, what did you think of him back then? Before he died?" sima Shi stays silent for a moment and answers,"Well, he was my father, so I did love him. I looked up to him. There were times he called me boring, but it was his way of showing affection to people." **

_**Um... You WERE boring. But now... Yeeeeah... I sort of wish the present Shi was you... **_**"What about you?" He turns to Zhang Chunhua, who could be seen biting on her pipe. She uses her hand to take it out and blows a small amount of smoke. **

**"Hello?"**

**"I heard you. I'm just trying to find words to describe what I thought of my ex-husband."**

_**Wow, you're saying when I died, we got automatically divorced, is that it?**_

_**Someone's a little bit sensitive about his marriage status. **_

**_Says the goddess who married her brother._**

_**He was the ONLY man around, literally. You do not know the life of a god! **_

_**Suuuure, marry your brother and be the creator of the universe and man. It's TOTALLY very difficult.**_

**"You can say we did have our little disagreements and the fact I did sleep with him. Twice. Which is one more than you could get from Sima Yi, the man who blushes at the thought of giving someone anything and thinking they would get the wrong idea about him."**

_**Do I blush that much? Am I that sensitive? Damn it! Why do I feelings?! **_

_**Becauuuuuse you're humaaaan? **_

_**Nu Wa, get out of my brain! I don't need you butting in! **_**"So all you cared about was the fact you slept with him...?"**

**"Well, no. Though... You have to admit this: Every woman hated his personality, but they all still secretly wanted to sleep with him. And that includes me. I hated how goddamn condescending he was." She crushes her pipe to pieces in her hand. **

_**Me? Condescending? Compared to Cao Pi or Zhong Hui, I'm at least willing to say I'm wrong. At least to my superiors or you.**_

**She adds,"But I did love him. I just never said it and expressed it through reverse domestic abuse."**

**_Why didn't Nu Wa punish you? You clearly done more domestic abuse than I ever did! I just throw Zhao into lakes while you throw me against the wall, and crush my balls with your fucking anachronistic heels! You even threw an octopus at me to see if it rape me! Which I ate by the way. _"Domestic abuse, eh...?"**

**"Oh, its fine. I knew he enjoyed every minute of it. He loves being treated like a chew toy and that doesn't surprise me since he grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth. And those kind of men have huge mommy and daddy issues."**

_**No, I did not enjoy those moments! And I do not have mommy/daddy issues!**_

_**Looks like someone here's a masochist. And yes, you do have daddy issues. **_

_**Damn it! Get out of here! **_

_**I bet you would enjoy being tortured down in the Ten Courts of Hell if that is your thing...**_

_**NO! That is a totally different thing! I don't want to go down there! Please don't send me there! They torture those who own pornagraphy!**_

_**Ah, don't worry. I have worse people to take care of like Dong Zhuo. I'll make sure you get pardoned when you die if you go through with this. **_

**"So, it was an abusive relationship?"**

**"No,no. It was a relationship based on how much we hurt each other."**

**"That's an abusive relationship."**

**"Abuse is where I wouldn't like it when he hurts me-Wait a minute."**

**"You're a masochist, aren't you?" **

**"Wait, that came out wrong. I meant I enjoyed hurting him-No, that doesn't seem right either..."**

**"So a sadist?"**

**"No, no, no! Damn it! Don't put words into my mouth!"**

_**I am learning SO much about how Chunhua thinks now. This disguise does have perks since she doesn't know she spilling the beans all to me. **_**"Alright... You have an S&amp;M marriage..." **

**"I didn't say that!" **

**"I bet you also enjoyed being hurt by him as well." He gets a blank stare from Zhang Chunhua and he ****turns to her,"What?" He gets a large cloud of smoke in his face and he catches fire. He jumps around, hitting at the flames. **

**"How does this work?! How do you get fire from smoke! It's reversed! Hot! Hot!" He drops onto the ground to roll around to put out the flames. Right when he ready to stand up, Zhang Chunhua walks over him followed by everyone behind her.**

**"Ow! Argh! You would step over an old man?!"**

**"Considering how you survived this long, I think we can." Zhong Hui flies over Sima Yi, but flies back to drop himself onto Sima Yi's back.**

**"Ah! You're heavy! You didn't look heavy!"**

**"I'm made of steel and am carrying a sh*bleep* load of scrap metal! So hell yes, I'm heavy!"**

**"Get off! I feel something collapsing!" Sima Yi flails around as Zhong Hui laughs maniacally on top of him and rolls around just to rub it in, hurting Sima Yi further.**

* * *

**The party reaches a point where the Yangtze took up most of their line of sight. **

**"I'm pretty sure the Yangtze is a little smaller than this..." Everyone turned to Sima Yi as if he were crazy for saying that. **

**"What?"**

**"It is supposed to be this size! Why do you think it got its name, the Chang Jiang?!" **

**"I know its name, but I'm pretty sure this a bit smaller before..." Sima Zhao tells him,****"You're imagining things, old timer. Once you get inside to get your bath, it will be not as small as you think and by the way, you smell even worse now after you just got burned again by Mother."**

**"Not my fault she has the breath of a dragon!"**

**"Would we please stop yelling and just get going already? We could sneak past those Wu guards and take the water without them bothering us!" yelled out Zhong Hui. Sima Yi gives him a look for a minute and then says,"Why don't you scout ahead then?"**

**"I'm not a scouting robot."**

**"You can fly, that is a scouting robot there. Now get over there and tell us the okay." Zhong Hui's eye blinks and he turns to fly over to the river. Everyone could see him getting farther and farther until a laser almost hits Zhong Hui and he zips back to the group.**

**"No good! They could see us!" **

**"Just keep calm. We have to approach slowly and cautiously." said Sima Shi.**

**"They'll shoot us!" yelled Zhong Hui.**

**"Well, if you would keep your non-existent mouth shut, we won't have to worry. Just stick Wen Yang at the front." Wen Yang complains,"They'll shoot holes into the tanks!"**

**"Then don't use them to protect you. As long as those bullets hit somewhere other than your head, you will be fine."**

**"Alright..." Wen Yang walks in front of the group and everyone walked behind his tall body. They get within a few feet of the river when a large wall of fire appears in front of them. **

**"My body feels very hot right now..." said Wen Yang. Everyone backs away from him a few inches since they were feeling the heat as well. Zhong Hui shakes around in the air,"Ah! I'm feeling the heat too! Hot! Hot! It's frying my circuits!" The wall of fire has two figures burst out from it as if they were immune to the flames. The two were in metal armor and wore helmets covering their heads that were shaped like either a lion or a tiger. **

**"Well, well, looks like we got some moochers here!"**

**"You know what that means!"**

**"We get to beat the s*bleep* out of them until they go running back where they came from!" The two figures pull off their helmets and toss them away while the wall of fire behind them disappears. They were two men with rugged faces. One had a messy red ponytail along with a thin beard around his chin while the other had long orange hair that was completely styled into spikes. Two scars ran down on either side of his face. The two roared out to the group with smoke coming out their mouths. Sima Yi gives Zhang Chunhua a nudge and jokes,"Looks like we found your people." She returns the gesture with a glare and blows a large stream of smoke to set Sima Yi on fire again.**

**"I still don't get how can you even do this! Aaaaaaah!" He drops down to roll around to put out the flames. He stands up quickly and asks Sima Shi,"Who are these two?"**

**"Hmm... If I remember correctly from Zhang Liao's descriptions, those two are Ling Tong and Gan Ning." The two make dinging noises.**

**"That's right! And you've won the chance to fight us!"**

**"Let's hope you won't be a big disappointment like the last people that came here." The two breathe fire while making loud yelling noises. **

**"I wonder what those two smoke..." **

**"Aw, looks like someone's being shown up with the two fire breathers over there. You just breathe smoke, haha!" taunted Sima Yi. Zhang Chunhua glares at him again and sets him on fire again with her smoke. **

**"Ahhhhh! Stop doing this!" He plops down and rolls around to put out the fire. Gan Ning says to the group,"Okay, who wants to fight me us? You get access to this clean, clean water if you do!" Sima shi steps forward,"I will face you... after the break." **

**"Wait, what?" Sima Shi goes over to Zhong Hui and opens a hatch in him. **

**"What are you doing to me?" Sima Shi shuts the hatch and Zhong Hui's robotic body flattens and expands to turn into a table and chair set. Sima Shi sits in the chair and a cup of tea appears out of the table. He takes it and takes a sip. Ling Tong and Gan Ning look at him with raised eyebrows.**

**"Um-"**

**"Shh." Zhong Hui mutters,"Since when did I have this option in my system...?" **

**"It is a secret option placed in you just for this kind of situation. Only I know how to use it." Sima Yi yells at him,"Why don't you create more chairs for us?!"**

**"This option was created just for me. Now we wait until I finish my break."**** Everyone stands there looking around with dumbfounded expressions as Sima Shi slowly sips tea at his seat. **


	4. 420 Blaze It Faggot

**"Previously on Dragon Ball Z-I mean-my journey through the sh*bleep* future, after being set on fire a number of times by F*BLEEP*ING SMOKE and surviving an alien not-so-much-encounter along with obtaining a new companion with girly hair, we encounter these two fire-breathing idiots and that is where we left off. There you happy?! I narrated for you!" Sima Yi throws off headphones and a microphone that were caught by Kaguya to later then disappear. Everyone in the area were frozen in time and only he was able to move.**

**_Haha! You did it exactly like the narrator! I love it! How did you even do that?_**

_I never knew the gods liked those kind of shows... _

**_Fu Xi, I thought you told me you would stop watching that stuff!_**

**_I did! But... I couldn't pass up the opportunity here! I mean, we're both watching this on the HeavenBoard 6000, so I'd like for this to seem natural._**

**_Fine, I did enjoy the narration. I admit that. Kaguya, please stop time to let the show go on._**

_It's a show for those three... What is this to them, a game?_

**_An anime or a reality T.V. show really. Though I wish had a controller right now..._**

**_Probably something out of Lost for me. Now get to being my show. You're two minutes off-schedule._**

_Fine, fine..._

**Everything else returns to normal time and Sima Shi gets out of his seat to hit the table to make Zhong Hui transform back into his sphere robot form. He groans,"Arrrgh! My circuits are frozen! Damn, you were heavy!" Sima Shi smashes his empty tea cup into Zhong Hui's eye and he spins around yelling. He zips off shaking the shards off his mechanical eye. **

**"Alright, I'm ready to face you-" Sima Shi sees that Ling Tong and Gan Ning were lying on the ground snoring. He turns around to see that everyone else was sleeping excluding Sima Yi and Wen Yang. **

**"What happened?"**

**"You took so long." Zhong Hui flies back and takes out a megaphone from his body. **

**"GET UP! GET UP! HEY! HEY! RISE AND SHINE!" He shouts into the microphone, causing everyone who was sleeping to jump up covering their ears. Sima Yi plugs in his own ears and grits his teeth at the loud shouting. Wen Yang could been seen at the river filling up the steel tanks behind Ling Tong and Gan Ning. They get up and quickly and angrily yell at Wen Yang,"Hey! How dare you just fill up water for yourself while we fell asleep here?!"**

**"So much for common courtesy!" Wen Yang removes his helmet and shows his metal skull to the two and they jump back with a yelp. **

**"What the f*bleep* is that?!" Wen Yang opens his jaw and his eyes turn bright red to make a loud screeching demonic roar, causing the two jump and run away to hide behind Sima Shi. **

**"Nevermind! You guys can go! Just keep that thing away from me!"**

**"That thing came from Hell because it was too scary for the Devil himself!" **

**"That thing even has hair! That's even creepier!" Wen Yang turns back to fill up the tanks while snickering to himself. **

**"I always wondered why Deng Ai put that voice feature... Heheheheh..." He puts on his helmet to carry the filled tanks and walks back up to the group. Sima Shi tells the two men hiding behind him,"Please get away from me." **

**"Grr! You used a dirty trick on us! With your scary robot skeleton!"**

**"No fair! You have to fight us still!"**

**"Um... No, I don't. Just let the old man and girly hair man bathe and we'll be on our way." **

**"Damn it! We have to retreat!" Ling Tong and Gan Ning run off, leaving the group to approach the river. Sima Zhao gestures to the river with his arms to Sima Yi,"There you go. Please wash up, you reek!" He turns to Xun Yu and his hair was messy with piece of debris stuck in it. "Yeeeah, you too." Sima Yi looks at the water and turns to face everyone else. "You people aren't going to watch, right...?"**

**"We'll try to not look at your wrinkled up body. We will just try to see if we can get some fish." Sima Zhao and Sima Shi walk off to another area near the river to take out fishing poles. Zhong Hui flies next to them and has a pole extend out of his body with a string hanging into the water. Sima Yi stands in front of the river and he turns to see that Zhang Chunhua and Wen Yang were still standing behind him.**

**"Can you please turn around?"**

**"You have problems bathing in front of a woman and a robot?"**

**"...Sort of?"**

**"Then we are going to stand here just to make you uncomfortable." **

**"Aw..." Wen Yang turns to her and says,"I don't want to watch an old man bathing...I'm going to shut off my eyes." The red eyes inside his helmet dim to disappear into the darkness. **

**"I'm just wondering, do you have an extra set of clothes?" Sima Yi turns around to see Xun Yu's head sticking out of the water. **

**"...I don't..." **

**"I do." said Zhong Hui a few feet away from them. "I took them off of those aliens back along with their weapons."**

**"May I please get clothes then?" Zhong Hui has a hatch open and a set of armor falls out. **

**"I said clothes."**

**"Here, clothes and armor mean the same thing. Or unless you don't mind walking around naked." **

**"No way. I have dignity." The armor lied on the ground a few feet away from where Xun Yu and he floats there. **

**"Sima Qian, can you get those clothes for me? I am calling you by that name because I am just playing along with your charade."**

**"Why don't you get it?"**

**"That would involve me getting out. I'm nude under this water."**

**_Oh, I bet Nu Wa would love to see that happen. _**

**_No way Nu Wa would fall for a mortal. She has me!_**

_Fu Xi, are you getting jealous? _

**_No! I'm her brother husband, what else could she ask for?!_**

_When you say 'brother husband' it sounds morally wrong._

**"I will turn around for you to go grab the clothes." Sima Yi turns around he hears splashing and footsteps behind his back. He sees that Zhang Chunhua was sill standing behind him, but her eyes were trailking off to somewhere else. Mostly to his left side. **

**"What are you staring at?"**

**"Nothing. Nothing at all... I saw a dolphin jump out of the water."**

**_I bet you were looking at another completely different 'dolphin'. _"You surrrre?"**

**"Damn, I wish brought another pipe with me... I broke my last one..."**

**"I bet you wished to use the pipe that you are looking at right now."**

**"What? Aren't you supposed to be bathing? We came out here for your old ass to be clean, so get clean." **

**"I can't if you're watching!" _Any other day, I would let you, but in my disguise... I don't think so... _**

**Zhang Chunhua walks up to Sima Yi to grab his collar and rips off all of his clothes off along with his underwear. A mosaic censors Sima Yi's lover area. **

**"Ahhhh!"**

**"There, I've seen your penis. Now get in the water. Nothing should be awkward anymore." **

**"You made this even more awkward than before!" His head has a feminine sultry voice filling up his mind.**

_**My, my... Those two have rather fit builds for mortals... I'm glad I don't have to look at that old man disguise like the woman who just stripped him. **_

_Um... I could hear you._

_**Ah! Damn, is this thing still on?! Where is the power switch?!**_

_**Nu Wa, how could you?! Am I not enough for you?! I'm a god! Gods have the best bodies know to man! No! I have the best body known to the universe! **_

_**Nu Wa, if you're not satisfied with Fu Xi, I can fill in his place. **_

**_Shennong! When the fuck did you get here?! Get out of my house, you treehugger! This is between me and my sister wife!_**

**_Or... We can all just have fun together. No harm in that. I have a couple of herbs known for enhancing your intimate areas. Or would you like some of this plant known as hemp? It's apparently relaxing when smoked and not eaten._**

**Sima Yi shakes his head and says out loud,"Don't use my head for your rocky domestic affairs!" **

**"Excuse me?"**

**"Nothing." He suddenly receives a kick to the abdomen and falls into the river. He pops his head out of the water and spits out water that got into his mouth. **

**"Huff... Hey, the gods' voices are gone-" Unfortunately for him, the gods were still fighting and every single word is being sent to his head.**

_**Fu Xi! Shennong! Please help me find the power switch! You two are filling up the mortal's head with your nonsense! **_

_**Oh, you're so worried about the mortal down there! What about me?! **_

_**Look, I will admit he is rather fit for a mortal, but I cannot leave you for him for the sake of Earth. I've read all of the stories about gods going for humans and it never goes well.**_

_**You see? Only us gods are fit to bed Nu Wa. You should not have to worried about whether or not she finds a few mortals a attractive.**_

_**You are not seeing the point here, Shennong! How about this? I find both of you attractive, you two happy now? **_

_**Come on, Shennong is just skin and bones along with the face of a girl! You need a man and that is me!**_

_**And I'm already married to you. Sadly.**_

_**Sadly?!**_

_**Well, you were literally the only man in existence for me. And you're my brother. Which is disgusting. Now where is that switch...?**_

_**Anyone still up for a little fun with some of my new medicine?**_

_**Later.**_

_**You're taking up on his offer?!**_

**Sima Yi plunges his head into the water many times to drown out the talking. He sighs and just floats there, forcing himself to sit through the non-stop talking.**

_**Oh fine... I think I want a hit of that stuff... I hope it's not going to rupture my intestines like how you died.**_

_**Oh, I would never! I tested it already.**_

_I guess the life of a god is like humans. They just don't admit it. _

**_Don't go doing that stuff yet! Help me find the off button for this! Fu Xi, do you have the instruction manual?_**

_**Um... I think I dropped it into Hell...**_

_**Arrgh! Why does this HeavenBoard 6000 have so many buttons?!**_

_Aggh... I can't bathe in peace..._

**_Sima Yi, just go about until I find the switch. _**

_I bet you're getting a warm fuzzy feeling from this._

**_Please don't. I already calmed down these two here. Don't start them up again._**

_I am confused on why is the Divine Farmer with you two._

**_He just visits time to time and tends to offer a lot of 'relaxing medicines' to us. Just finish your bath and go along your day. Grr... What does this one do...? Nope. Nope, that's the volume. _**

**Sima Yi moves around in the water trying to make the splashes drown out any voices in his head. **

**"I'm going crazy, I'm going crazy... Are these the actual gods talking to me...? I might be going crazy..." He lets his body float and places his face on the water's surface. He lets his arms hang below him. Back on land, Zhang Chunhua sees Sima Yi's body floating out in the river and says in a non sympathetic voice,"Aw, he drowned." Xun Yu sees the floating Sima Yi and says,"I see bubbles around his head. He's still breathing probably." Sima Yi lifts his head away from the water and sighs deeply. **

**"The voices are gone... Looks like she found the button. Oh, back to shore then." He swims back over to land and gets out of the water, forgetting that he is still naked. **

**"Alright, let's go." Xun Yu and Zhang Chunhua simply looked at him silently and calmly said,"You are not wearing any pants." **

**"Ah!" _My brain had been so occupied with the gods talking nonstop, I forgot I was still naked! _**

**Xun Yu groans and covers his eyes while Zhang Chunhua simply comments while looking downwards,"Was the water very cold or something?"**

**"No... It was the exact opposite. Pretty warm."**

**"Then you are just the sad embodiment of masculinity."**

**"..." He stands there for a moment and quickly realizes what she just said. His face turns bright red and he angrily says,"Hey! I'm not small down there!"**

**"I beg to differ from what I'm seeing. But I guess since you're an old man, it's understable." **

_**Wait, does my disguise also have a different... Oh come on! **_**"I didn't know you were paying attention to down there! Pervert."**

**"Aw, someone's just upset that they have a tiny pecker." **

_This old man disguise apparently has a tiny thingy. What is the point of disguising my dick?!_

_**We didn't you to get 'cocky' in this universe. Hehehe... **_

_**(FX) Hahahaha! 'Cocky'! Hahaha! I see what you did there!**_

_**(S) If you would like, I have some plants you can consume to enhance that thing. Heheheh... I'm still laughing about that! Hahaha! **_

_It isn't really funny! _

**"Forget it. Give me my clothes." Wen Yang walks to them and asks,"Is it okay to turn on my eyes now?" Inside his helmet, his red eyes slowly lights up into view. He sees that Sima Yi was still naked.**

**"OHMYGOD! IT WAS NOT OKAY!" The red eyes quickly turn off and Wen Yang quickly walks away. Zhang Chunhua hands Sima Yi his clothes back. He takes them and says,"Can you turn around?"**

**"I'm sorry, but privacy is no longer an issue with us."**

**"What? Why?"**

**"Come on, you have been standing here naked for about six minutes. I think your privacy has already been destroyed."**

**"I'm just going to go off and put on the clothes..." Sima Yi walks away and comes back after a while fully clothed. **

**"Ah, finally... We are going back, right?" **

**"Sure. I was hoping to get a new pipe around here..." **

**"A pipe wouldn't be in the river."**

**"I could make one. Oh well, I can just ask around the safehouse to see if someone would give up a spare. Shi, Zhao, floating droid, we're going." The three sitting the edge at the river all put away their fishing rods and came at the call. Zhong Hui angrily says to Zhang Chunhua,"I have a name!"**

**"How about I call you Zoid?"**

**"That sounds like I'm some geeky creation!"**

**"Fine... You want your human name despite being a robot."**

**"You call Wen Yang by his name and he is a robot too!"**

**"Well, he resembles a human if you never looked under his armor." **

**"Just for that, I am not giving you this funky smoke pipe I found in one of the alien crates!" **

**"You cough that up right now."**

**"No way, junkie!" **

**"I'm not a junkie."**

**"Then you should be able wait until we get back to get some of the loot I'm carrying for you people." **

**"..." She suddenly grabs Zhong Hui and shakes him. **

**"Ahhhhwhoooaaggghr! Stooop! I'm getting diiiiizzy!" **

**"Cough up my pipe!" **

**"See?! You are a junkie!" A hatch on him opens forcefully and a hand digs around in his insides. **

**"Aaaaah! Ohhh... Ah! You're pushing on my CPU! It hurts! Ah! Okay, that one tickled." **

**"I don't see a pipe in here. It's just scrap metal and alien clothes. Wait... something shaped like a stick and its curved..." Her hand exits the hatch and pulls out a metal pipe detailed with scales leading to a dragon head at the end.**

**"This doesn't seem very alien..."**

**"They must have looted one of the cities when they got that." **

**"I like it. I am making sure this stays intact throughout the years."**

**"I hope my virginity is still intact after what you just did to what is considered my behind..." **

**"Robots have behinds? Heh... You are just one giant eyeball..." **

**Sima Shi stares off while standing along the riverbank. Sima Yi says to him,"You say what is leftover of Wu and Shu protects this area, but I am not seeing much protection..."**

**"Yes... Those two that ran off are most likely to come back with friends. We have to go now or else we will be dealing with troublesome people later." Sima Zhao sighs deeply and says,"I heard the technology stolen by former Wu generals is actually a tiny bit better than ours. Well, they are often out in the open, so it makes sense the aliens would go after them more."**

**"They don't have an underground safehouse?"**

**"Not that I know of... They use what is left of their garrisons and castles as shelter and protection. It's been awhile since any of us have heard from what is left of Shu. Aside from Zhao Yun and Yue Ying attacking us, we haven't really seen any Shu people in the last three years." Sima Shi turns to walk up the hill away from the river. **

**"Let us go now." Everyone starts to follow behind him and away from the river until a dash zips past them, creating a giant wind that blows at them violently. Sima Shi yells out,"Crap! They've got here before he could leave!" **

**"Do we start running?" asks Sima Zhao. **

**"Everyone can run here, so let's go!" Everyone runs, but the streak of black keeps dashing around them, creating powerful winds that keeps them from running from the area. A very faint whirring sound could be heard when each time a blast of wind hits them. **

**"What is happening?!"**

**"Grr! Ahhhhhh!" The winds break Zhong Hui's propellers. "GRABMEGRABMEGRABME!" He gets thrown away from the front of the group and hits Xun Yu in the face at the back. Xun Yu ends up caressing this giant steel ball on instinct.**

**"Arrgh! You're heavy!"**

**"I'm helping you stay on your feet right now! And look at your hair! It's all over the place flapping!" The winds slowly get stronger and eventually creates a giant tornado that takes everyone for a spin. The tornado filled with everyone's screams spins rapidly and moves along the riverbank, throwing sand around or it getting mixed into the tornado. The sand gets in everyone's faces and loud coughing could be heard within the tornado. **

**The spinning goes on for what seemed like hours until the winds come to a complete stop. Everyone stay in the air for split second before falling straight down into a walled garrison. The impact creates them-shaped impressions in the ground. **

**"My back...It's in pieces." groaned Sima Yi.**

_**Ouch! That's gotta hurt! Haha! **_

_My pain isn't something to laugh at!_

**Sima Zhao says weakly,****"Mine too... And I'm not even at that age yet..." **

**"Get off me... You're crushing my spine... Damn, I wished I had taken up on the offer of making my bones steel. from Deng Ai..." Sima Zhao was on top of Zhang Chunhua.**

**"I think I am starting to get at that age..." said Sima Shi. **

**"My ribs..." groaned Xun Yu because of the giant steel robot sitting on his chest. Zhong Hui has a hatch open on the top of his body, but nothing comes out.**

**"The winds destroyed my propeller! I can't move! All I can do is probably roll..." He rolls off, giving more pain to Xun Yu's chest. The only person that isn't affected is Wen Yang, who merely got up to check the water tanks that landed with him. **

**"They got a few dents, but it will still hold water." Zhong Hui rolls near him,"Hey, you should probably scrape the non-robots off the ground." Boots are seen behind Zhong Hui and he rolls back to look up at whose boots they belonged to. He sees a man with a simple beard towering over him along with short grey hair. He picks up Zhong Hui and examines his robotic body.**

**"Whoa, I wonder where did this little guy came from? And he is pretty heavy."**

**"Hey, you keep staring and you have to pay for that." **

**"Oh my! It talks! The ones I seen used by the aliens just spout out generic lines. I think I'll keep this one."**

**"No,no,no! Hey! Skeletor! Take me back! Damn, I wished I had my propeller!" **

**"You need a propeller...? Aren't you supposed to be the kind of robot that can float on its own?" said the grey-haired man. Zhong Hui freezes and turns his body to ask,"Wait... I don't need one?"**

**"Well, you're a special scouting drone. It's very hard to get a robot like this, in good condition, no less." **

**"Sooooo... You can make me fly without the propeller?"**

**"If given some time, I can make sure you don't have to use a propeller again."**

**"OKAY!" The man walks off with Zhong Hui and Wen Yang mutters,"He has always been the little defector around here..." He looks over to the impact site to see that everyone else is still lying in the ground, groaning about their broken backs. **

**"Why did you walk away from that unscathed?" A voice called out to him. Wen Yang turns to see a man sitting in a throne made out of a mix of skulls that were between human, animal, and alien. He sat with one leg resting a pile of more skulls while one of his hands was resting on a giant sword's pommel with its blade sticking into the ground. The man himself has gruff features with a giant scar across his face, a giant beard around his chin, and an emperor hat on his head made out of bones. **

**"Oh... Hi...? Um... I'm just going to scrape everyone off the ground and take the tanks and go..." **

**"You took that water without permission. You need my permission." **

**"May I please-"**

**"Denied."**

**"But... there are refugees back in the remains of Wei."**

**"Well... You are going to have to prove yourself to us that you deserve to get this water." **

**"Okay... Psst! Everyone! Can you please get up?!" Wen Yang sees that everyone was still lying in the ground. The man sitting in the skull throne yawns and talks in a bored voice,"Looks like your human friends can't get up. I'll give them a wakeup call." He puts his fingers in his mouth to whistle loudly. Scrambling footsteps could be heard approaching him and you see Ling Tong and Gan Ning plop down next to his throne. **

**"You called?" **

**"Wake those people up." The man points at the area where everyone had landed earlier and the two run over to examine the people lying in the dirt. **

**"Hey, it's those guys from earlier!" exclaimed Ling Tong. Gan Ning points at Sima Zhao lying on Zhang Chunhua,"And that lady has my pipe! I was looking all over for that!" Sima Zhao gets pushed off and Zhang Chunhua quickly removes the pipe from her mouth.**

**"This is yours...?" **

**"Yes! Give me that, you thief!" **

**"Uuuugh..." She sticks her tongue out and throws the pipe to Gan Ning. "I wiped it, but I don't think that was enough..." **

**"Well, we got one up. What about those other four?" commented Gan Ning as he wiped off his recovered pipe and puts it in his mouth. Ling Tong replies,"Mmhm? We could just make the earth hot enough for them to jump out of there." Gan Ning quickly takes out his pipe and yells out,"Hey! She smoked up all of my stuff in here! You have to pay for this, you know!" Zhang Chunhua crawls out of the crater and says weakly,"Well, unless you want alien organs, that's all I can give you."**

**"Well... There's another thing..."**

**"That's a big no. I rather shoot myself." She gets away from the crater and Gan Ning coughs out tiny puffs of smoke. **

**"Damn it, I can't do it. You have to wake them up yourself." **

**"Alright." Ling Tong takes a deep breath and then breathes a giant blast of fire into the crater. Some fire finds its way onto Xun Yu's long hair and he was the first to catch fire. Sima Yi sniffs the air and opens his eyes,"Something's burning..." He turns his head to see a strand of black hair on him on fire. He quickly throws it off himself and scampers out of the crater. Sima Shi and Sima Zhao get a whiff of the burning hair and sit up.**

**"Whoa, smells like vaporized rats." **

**"Ugg... It's so hot in here..." They see Xun Yu's burning hair and they quickly grab his hair to pull him up and out of the crater. Once out, they step all over the burning areas in Xun Yu's hair to put it out. **

**"Looks like everyone's up." said the man in the skull throne. "Now, what would you like to offer me for the water you technically stole?" Sima Yi looks at him and raises an eyebrow.**

**"Whoa... Who is this and I swear I've heard his voice before..." Sima Shi explains to him,"That is Sun Quan." Sima Yi chokes and gaps. **

**"Excuse me? THAT'S Sun Quan?!"**

**"After his father and brother's death, he suddenly snapped. That would have been me if Shi died right after my father." said Sima Zhao.**

**"But... Why is he soooo different?!"**

**"All those years of being called boring along with his family almost dead caused him to snap."**

**"Did his sister die?"**

**"Oh, no. No... If she died, then China would have became a Wu anarchy right now. She's fine and that is why China is still fine too." Xun Yu stands up groaning and his back makes an audible cracking noise. **

**"Ow! Gah... My body still aches... What is burning here?" He looks down to see his hair was partially burned off by the fire.**

**"Argh! My hair! Though I needed a cut, but it is uneven!" A gust of wind hits him and he sees that his hair is cut short enough for his hair to be at shoulder length. He holds a strand with shaking fingers.**

**"...How...?" Sun Quan laughs and says,"My bodyguard just gave you your wish."**

**"Where is he? I don't see him!" **

**"Zhou Tai, stay still" A tall metal clad figure appears out of nowhere right in the middle of the group. Everyone jumps back startled. **

**"Ah!" **

**"I'm sure you all remembered Zhou Tai back when we weren't overrun by aliens." Zhou Tai's body is completely covered in metal with a helmet protecting his entire face. A visor covers his eyes and it had a red line glowing across it. He had his hair tied in a messy ponytail that came out of his helmet. He had long metal nails at his toes and fingers. Sima Yi jokes,"Looks like someone hasn't been to the salon in a while... hehehe..." A five slash marks make their way onto his face. They spew blood and Sima Yi yelps out in pain covering his face. Sun Quan says to him,"That's the exact reason why he got those. Because of people like you." **

**"What do you want now?" asked Sima Shi.**

**"Hey, your robot friend there took water without consent." Gan Ning adds,"And he did when we were sleeping! When it was HIM that made us go to sleep in the first place!"**

**"Such dirty tricks. Well, would you care to repent for that?" Sima Shi looks around and looks at Sima Zhao to say,"How about you take my place?"**

**"Hell no! Besides, shouldn't Wen Yang do it since he was the one who decided to take the water?" Wen Yang picks up Xun Yu and holds him up,"How about him doing it?" **

**"He can't fight! He's a liability!" **

**"Excuse me, I do know a knew few tricks up my sleeve that makes me not completely useless." said Xun Yu.**

**"Can you teleport us then? My father told me you were capable of doing that a few years before he disappeared."**

**"Oh right! I forgot I had that! Please put me down and let me see if I can-" Cuffs suddenly make their way onto his wrists and another set appears around his ankles. He gets knocked down to the ground. Next to Sun Quan, Zhou Tai appears with keys spinning on his finger. Sun Quan laughs and says,"You can do magic without your arms free, right?" **

**"Restraints! My only weakness!" Sima Shi says calmly,"Looks like we have to resort to... RUNNING!" He goes off, but every opening in the garrison quickly closes with a stone door. **

**"Damn it!" **

**Sima Yi looks at him and comments,"I thought you were supposed to be good in fighting..."**

**"I am! But..." Sima Shi leans in to whisper,"Everyone in here is impossible to beat unless you use tricks. Unfortunately, they take precautions."**

**"Don't you have any fancy-schmancy mods to yourself?"**

**"...No. I'm purely human."**

**"Why?"**

**"My body will reject them and kill me. All I can rely on is my specially customized rapier with glowing blade vibrating at over 9000 VPM."**

**"...Does that do anything?"**

**"It cuts more cleanly than a blade made of any kind of metal. Zhao's is made like mine's except it only vibrates at 8000 VPM." **

**"Does Zhao have any of the modifications?"**

**"No, but it's because he doesn't want to/too lazy to even get to the warehouse."**

**"Now what? Are we going to have to lose on purpose or try?"**

**"If you want to do it, sure. They might be off-guard to you being an old man. I might as well play along here if I want to come back to the safehouse successful." Sun Quan clears his throat loudly to make them turn to him. **

**"You two done? You ready to fight or would you rather just go back to where you came from? You can take the latter if you don't want your prides destroyed." Sima Yi asks,"Who exactly are we fighting?" Gan Ning and Ling Tong point at themselves.**

**"Us!"**

**"Prepare for trouble-" Sun Quan simply says,"You two are going to sit out." They fall down and quickly get up to yell out,"Why?!"**

**"You two are exhausted."**

**"What are you talking about-Nrrragh..." Gan Ning collapses onto the ground snoring. **

**"What are you talking about? I'm not tirrrrred..." Ling Tong later follows him to the ground snoring. **

**"What happened to them...?"**

**"They've used up their energy creating that giant wall of fire and flashy entrance you people saw earlier. You get to face..." Sun Quan points and everyone sees a stone door open to have a skinny man walk in carrying a huge cannon with all sorts of exhaust pipes on it. His shoulder-length red hair flaps wildly as he lifts up his cannon and a giant flame sparks out of the barrel. Sima Yi taps Sima Shi and asks,"Who is that now?"**

**"I don't think I remember." Sima Zhao tells them,"Come on, it's Lu Xun! How could you forget?!"**

**"Lu Xun doesn't look like that... He's a man baby." said Sima Yi and he gets a fireball fly right above his head, burning off a thin strand of hair on his head. **

**"I'm not a man-baby! Look at me! I'm a man! Listen to my voice! I'm a goddamn man!"**

**"Then why are you carrying such a gigantic weapon, hm?" **

**"I'll show you!" Lu Xun raises his cannon and shoots fireballs towards everyone and they dodge the shots. Sima Zhao says sarcastically to Sima Yi,"Thanks a lot! You totally helped us now!"**

**"Ha, he is just compensating! Heheheh!"**

**"Stop talking!" He ducks under a fireball and time comes to a stop, leaving Sima Yi to be the only one moving. **

**"Huh?" Kaguya appears in front of him with a set of headphones and a microphone.**

**"Oh no! I'm not doing that again!" A lightning bolt strikes him and he coughs smoke. **

**"Alright, give me those." **

* * *

**(The gods are what they look like in the most recent Warriors Orochi games.) **

**Up in Heaven, Fu Xi sits on a cloud-made couch and watches a screen floating in front of him with Sima Yi's narration.**

**"Next time on my sh*bleep* journey through the s*bleep* future, someone throws a punch. Tune in next time." Fu Xi pouts and stomps his foot. On the screen, Sima Yi gets struck by another bolt and he quickly says,"And more stuff happens! Uh... Someone not important dies! I get sick! I meet a talking dragon, I don't know! Please don't do this to me!" Fu Xi sighs and says,"Fine. I guess I can't get him to do everything... Kaguya, just leave it at that." He turns off the screen and gets up. He walks on the cloud floor to open a floating door and enter a room. He sees Nu Wa and Shennong lying on the ground with smoke surrounding the two.**

**"Ohhhh heeeeey... Bro...!" said Shennong in a intoxicated voice.**

**"Hey, only guys can use that!"**

**"But I'm a guy..."**

**"You're just Nu Wa wearing a monocle." **

**"Just chill man... Your sister's enjoying this stuff..." Nu Wa laughs while rolling around on the cloud floor. **

**"Yeeeah...! Bro... You should... You should... Haha...! Who wants me to remove my toooop?" Shennong raises his hand and says playfully,****"I dooo!" Fu Xi kicks him in the abdomen but he continues to urge Nu Wa. **

**"Damn, we are not susceptible to pain. I forgot that..."**

**"Ya damn right we aren't... Whoo! The god life!"**

**"Come on! This is what you do with your ability to taste herbs?!"**

**"You're the god of creativity, riiight? Why don't you give this a try...? This... hemp... weed thing... I dunno its professional name... Marra-juan-na or something like that..." Nu Wa rolls over to Fu Xi and grabs onto his leg. "Come oooonnn, don't pull a me here... God, the other me is BORR-ING."**

**"How much did you give her?"**

**"I dunno... I might have gave us a an extra special ingredient... And we might are experiencing some fun side effects... Kahahaha!" Shenning rolls on the ground and Fu Xi sighs deeply and gives in. **

**"Do you have any more of that stuff?"**

**"Why of courrse! There's enough for eveerryone! Hehehehe..."**

* * *

**Sima Yi holds his head in pain as the gods continue to talk through his mind. **

**"Arrrgh! I don't want to know if you three are trying out a new herb! Uuuugh! Damn... I don't think he turned off the telepathy up there!" Kaguya watches as Sima Yi rolls on the ground holding his head yelling. She takes out a book out of thin air and reads it, ignoring Sima Yi.**

**"Oh no! You three are moaning weirdly-NO! Uggh! I can't tell if that is incest or infidelity! Ugggh!" Kaguya says to him without looking away from her book,"Shennong's not their brother."**

**"Infidelity! That is the very thing you gods are against! Aaaaagh! No! Though Nu Wa is sounding very nice there...but I do not want to hear those two!" **


	5. Wife Flamethrowers Haha I'm insane

**Sima Yi gets up from the ground once the voices in his head were gone. Thunder is heard from the sky and then a lightning strike appears, causing Sima Yi duck down covering his head.**

**"Okay! I'll do the narrating again!" Kaguya walks over to him and says,"Oh, that's not for you. It's just the gods having sex."**

**"I guess I should know that with their noises going in my head for a while..."**

**"Anyway, enjoy being chased around by a pyromaniac." Kaguya disappears and time returns to normal with Lu Xun charging towards Sima Yi with his absurdly giant cannon. Sima Yi backs out of the way, letting Lu Xun run past him and because of his heavy cannon, Lu Xun can't stop him himself in time before crashing into the stone wall. Sima Shi draws his laser sword and says to him,"He's down. Let us finish him off."**

**"Wait, kill him?'**

**"Just giving the man baby some new scars. Heheheheh..." Sima Shi approaches the crash site and when the smoke clears, Lu Xun is already turned around and is aiming his cannon at him with a maniacal smile.**

**"What'd you say about me being a man baby?" **

**"Uh-oh." Sima Shi ducks down to let the giant shot of fire blast over his head. He backs away and dodges fire shooting at him. Sima Yi points out,"Looks like he has better reflexes than that..." Lu Xun laughs and says out loud,"I have special arms and legs that allow me to recover from any blunder I make with my trusty flamethrower!"**

**"Oh no...They made it for him? " **

**"Come here!" Lu Xun runs after them and Sima Shi and Sima Yi run around the garrison.**

**"Wait, we can try to make him hit Sun Quan."**

**"You think I haven't thought of that? If we do that, he'll punish US than him! We have to do this fairly unfortunately..." As they run, they see that Lu Xun shooting at Sima Zhao, Wen Yang, and Zhang Chunhua. **

**"They can't do anything about this?"**

**"Unless they want to be greeted with a giant blast of fire, they can't get close to Lu Xun."**

**"Hmm... What if we fight fire with fire?"**

**"You can conjure up fire?"**

**_Yes. But I will keep the fact I have magic a secret until the time calls for me to use it. _"No... I have a different idea..." Sima Yi runs a little faster to catch up to Sima Zhao and the others. **

**"Hey! Run somewhere else or he'll get all of us in one go!" yelled out Sima Zhao.**

**"I have an idea!"**

**"What is it?" Sima Yi stops just for a second to let Zhang Chunhua run into his arms and he quickly flips her around to hold her like a cannon. She gets caught off-guard and exclaims,"What are you doing?!"**

**"Take that!" He squeezes her, causing her to spew out flames out of her mouth at Lu Xun and it counters his fireballs. Lu Xun looks at this sight with widen eyes and Sima Yi runs forward to continue shooting flames at Lu Xun. **

**"Theee eeth etheal!" (This isn't ethical!) protested Zhang Chunhua.**

** "Come on, you smoked that pipe that Zhong Hui stole from Gan Ning. You gained some new abilities."**

**"E olll at?" (He stole that?) **

**"Yes. When he was sleeping, he stole it. How do I make you spit out more fire?" Sima Yi squeezes her stomach, making her wriggle in his grip. **

**"Not there, I guess."**

**"Er-ert!" (Pervert!) **

**"Here?" Sima Yi squeezes her chest, making her spew out more fire. **

**"There we go!"**

**"E ate ou!" (I hate you!)**

**"That's what they all say." He pushes Lu Xun back with his compromised flamethrower. Lu Xun looks at him with nervous eyes and his flamethrower begins to sputter and flames came out in tiny spits. **

**"No,no,no!" Sima Yi laughs at him,"Looks like she absorbed all the fire you shot at us and threw it back at you!"**

**"This cannot be! You're using some robot woman as your weapon! How could I fail?!"**

**"E em ot e oot..." (I'm not a robot...) **

**"I have to thank her enhanced lungs."**

**"Und awower o ot a y lo en eruse." (And flamethrowers do not last very long with overuse.)**

**"What she said. I can't tell with the flames coming out of her mouth." Lu Xun grits his teeth as flamethrower in his hands bloats and smoke spews crazily out of the exhaust pipes. He yells out as he tries to toss away his weapon, but the cannon doesn't go far and falls onto the ground with a loud crash.**

**"Oh crap!" **

**Sima Yi runs off and jumps away as a huge explosion goes out at where Lu Xun was at. A black soot-covered figure flies up into the sky with smoke trailing behind it. **

**"Ah-hahaha! Yes! We did it!" He gets pulled on the collar and feels his neck getting tighter and tighter. "Gggh... I can't breathe... Hey! Help me!" Sima Shi and Sima Zhao stared at Sima Yi with widen eyes to then those stares slowly turned into glares.**

* * *

**What they just saw and how is it processing through their brains**

_**This old man just grabbed our mother and just did unthinkable acts on her. He groped her body and shows no remorse for it. The sick bastard...**_

* * *

**The two, without changing their expressions, take out their swords and aimed at Sima Yi.**

**"Ahhhh! What are you doing?!" **

**"How dare you touch her like that...?" Sima Yi feels his neck getting tighter and his head turns to see Zhang Chunhua's unhappy expression.**

**"Hey, hey! We are supposed to get out of here, right?! Uhh... I feel light-headed...Hey, I saved our asses!" **

**Sun Quan watches the drama from his chair and says,"You should be a little nicer to your father." Everyone stops trying to kill Sima Yi and turns to him. **

**"What?"**

**"Well, my father died before I got to do anything nice for him. You shouldn't be choking your father's lights out now."**

**"He isn't my father..."  
**

**"Then who is he?"**

**"Some old man."**

**"...Alright. You defeated Lu Xun. I'm somewhat impressed."**

**"So can we go?"**

**"No. I'd like one more show." He claps his hands and the stone door opens to have three people walk in. Two were women dressed in revealing armor and both had red hair. In between them is a man with long flowing red hair with a headband keeping his bangs up. His face was unusually pale and free of all skin flaws. Sima Yi looks at them and questions,"Why does everyone here have red hair...?" **

**"Because we need to show who is the superior race here! We dyed our hair in the blood of our slain enemies!" explained Sun Quan. "Now, that answer your question?"**

**"...That's very unsanitary..."**

**"We purify it of its alien DNA to avoid anything funky growing on our heads. Now go!" He points at them and the man with long hair takes out a short pole that has both of its ends extend outward to turn it into a long staff. Electricity sparks on both ends. **

**"I swear I've seen that girly face before..." **

**"What did you say to me?" **

**"What? Nothing. I just swear I've seen you before..."**

**"Well, you should know me if you've lived before the aliens took over. Considering how old you look..." **

**"I don't. I'm a hermit."**

**"Well, I am-" One of the women yells out,"This handsome piece of man is the legendary Zhou Yu!" Zhou Yu stands there frozen, and blinks once. He stands straight and clears his throat.**

**"I guess my introduction scene is done for... A shame I can't say my own name without SOMEONE blurting it out... Oh well, this is Xiao Qiao and the other quiet one over there is Da Qiao." **

**"Hehehehe... Six years and you haven't let a scar hit your girly face? How sad... Heheheheh..." snickers Sima Yi.**

**"What was that?!"**

**"Ohh, nothing..." **

**"Anyway, prepare to be defeated and go to the ruins of Wei filled with shame!"**

**"Aren't you people living in the ruins of Wu? That doesn't make you any different than us..."**

**"We are prospering here!" **

**"Yes... By locking the river away from other humans... That's prospering... right..." **

**"Let us show you how we're prospering!" Zhou Yu holds his staff aobve his head and stabs it into the ground to create a giant storm of electric bolts flying towards Sima Yi and others. They all jump away to let the electric bolts hit the wall behind them, leaving a charred spot at where it hit. Sima Yi gets up to see another bolt shoot at him and ducks just in time. **

_**Grr... Another impossible foe. Oh, I have an idea... **_

**Sima Yi makes his trademark smirk as he turns his head at Zhang Chunhua avoiding electric bolts. He grabs her away just in time from another bolt and holds her like a cannon from before. She yells at him,"No! No! Don't do this again! I don't think I can take this kind of abuse!"**

**"You said you can run forever, so that means anything that requires your lungs would go on forever!"**

**"But-Gggh!" Sima Yi squeezes on sensitive areas, causing his 'weapon' to cough fire and begins to let out big bursts of fire. **

_**I can abuse this version of Chunhua all I want, right...? Messing up the future doesn't affect the present of past... Right? **_

**Sima Yi moves forward with the flames, making Zhou Yu to back away along with the two women behind him.**

**"So you want to play that game? Well, I shall play along! Xiao Qiao!" He looks over to one of the younger looking women and nods. **

**"Alright!" Xiao Qiao gets picked up by Zhou Yu and is held like a cannon-like manner as well. However, Xiao Qiao is held with Zhou Yu's left arm and holds on, so that Zhou Yu's right hand is free to carry his staff.**

**"That's cheating!" yelled out Sima Yi.**

**"No, it isn't... Let it out!" **

**"Here we go! Take this, mother*bleep*er!" Xiao Qiao opens her mouth and flames shoot out of her mouth towards the two in front of them. Sima Yi and Zhang Chunhua look at them with shocked expressions.**

**"What the hell is this bull*bleep*?! I thought I could only do this!"**

**"I'm not the only person with mechanical lungs... I just don't know who does have it..." **

**"Damn, you're heavy! I can't use another weapon with you!"**

**"You're an old man! How do you expect to pick up a middle-aged woman with one arm?!"**

**"Hush, weapons don't talk back!"**

**"I am going to roast you alive when we're done-Koff!" Sima Yi makes her shoot out fire to counter Zhou Yu's own human flamethrower. Zhou Yu uses his staff to swing at Sima Yi and he struggles to dodge. **

**"Damn, you cheater!"**

**"You're an old man, what could you do against me?"**

**_I need some help in my arms... But this disguise prevents me from getting stronger! I have to find out how to-_**

**"Koff... Koff..." Zhang Chunhua's mouth starts to have smoke replacing the flames she breathes out.**

**"Wait, why are you breathing smoke now?!"**

**"Ee eects oat eoke e emuore..." (The effects of what I smoked were temporary.) The smoke coming from her mouth still keeps away Xiao Qiao's flames.**

**"Can you keep other things in your lungs...?"**

**"Oee unng erut u ehiehal hap." (Anything without a physical shape.)**

**"Really? Then I'd like for you to take in the staff and eat up the electricity!" **

**"UN ULL UAN!" (I'M STILL HUMAN!) **

**"Okay, that's out. Whoa!" He gets knocked down by Sima Shi while Sima Zhao holds back Zhou Yu.**

**"Stop using my mother as your human weapon!"**

**"But how else will her smoke breathing ability be put to use?"**

**"Just let her do her normal attacks!"**

**"Shi... I have to honest here... But during the time we spent in the giant tornado, the winds threw out all of my weapons away from me.." **

**"What?!" Sima Yi questions her,"Um... where did you keep them...? I don't see any pockets on your dress there..." She ignores his comment and says,****"Any case, I can't actually fight unless I use 'that'..." **

**"What is 'that'?"**

**"Unfortunately, it will give us a bad reputation with Sun Quan if we escape using that." In the background, Sima Zhao is fighting off Zhou Yu, Xiao Qiao, and Da Qiao. He kicks them away as Wen Yang could be seen trying to break one of the stone walls by chipping away bits of rock with his hands. Xun Yu is still lying in the same spot as always with his limbs cuffed up. **

**"We have to give Sun Quan a show before leaving here. How do we do that?"**

**_Shi and Zhao can fight. I could give Chunhua both of my guns and I should try to brush up on my sword skills with these two on me... I guess we can't hurt to try-_**

**"Stop!" yelled out a voice. Sun Quan turns his head and sees the man with grey hair with Zhong Hui floating next to him. **

**"Lu Su...? What are you doing here?"**

**"This little guy here told me of those people you have been using to entertain you. These people came here because of the refugees living with them. Why don't we throw away our past affiliates and see to that this world survives?"**

**"Hmm... I suppose... After all, Cao Cao died so many years ago. They probably don't follow his path anymore. Fine, they can go about their own lives. I got bored anyway of these people after the old man and Zhou Yu whipped out the lady flamethrowers. Now that was fun to watch. Alright, you people can leave with your water tanks." Xun Yu asks him,"Can I be freed?" His cuffs fall off once he asked that and he gets up. Sima Yi tilts his head to the side with a confused face.**

**"What? Just like that?" Sima Shi says quickly to him,"Do not question ****good fortune!" He runs to the cracked stone door Wen Yang was working on and kicks it, breaking it down and creating an exit. Wen Yang's red eyes blink once and he gets up to carry the water tanks out of the garrison. Sima Yi slowly gets up from where he lying on the ground.**

**"We are really allowed to go just like that?" Zhang Chunhua gets up after him coughing smoke in small puffs.**

**"Where can I get a pipe? I need something to smoke or else I'll be coughing a storm." **

**"You really need one?" **

**"Yes." Zhou Yu approaches them while making his staff return to its short baton form. **

**"I suppose we are to be at peace now... It's good since I was about to kill the old man next to you."**

**"You have a pipe?"**

**"I don't smoke."**

**"Do you at least have some old pipe that you found or something?" **

**"Well, a lot of people here do smoke... Xiao Qiao, Da Qiao, do you carry any pipes?" Xiao Qiao and Da Qiao pat themselves down and they shrugged their shoulders. **

**"Why isn't the other one talking?"**

**"You don't want to hear about that..." **

**"Hey, I got something!" yelled out Xiao Qiao. "I have this flute!" **

**"Could I use a flute...? Hmm... Maybe. I'll take it." She gets the flute and wipes it off. She then takes out a tiny pouch and pours it into the flute. Lastly, she burns the tip by blowing smoke onto it and then puts in her mouth. Everytime she inhaled smoke, the flute makes a high-pitched noise. Sima Yi says to her,"The noises made are making you look more silly than tough..." He prepares himself to be ready to get hit, but Zhang Chunhua walks off smoking the flute. **

**"Huh." Zhong Hui flies over to Sima Yi with waves coming out from under him with Lu Su following behind him.**

**"What did I miss? Did you get your ass kicked?"**

**"Why no, I sent one of them flying into the air."**

**"Hahahaha! Very funny!"**

**"I did. Now, come along or we will leave you here."**

**"Who cares? I can just fly back with or without you!" **

**"Who is this? Your owner?" asked Lu Su. **

**"I don't belong to anyone! I'm an independant robot!" yelled out Zhong Hui. **

**"Yes, fight the power. But anyway, what is your name, elder one?"**

**"First time someone has called me that..." **

**"Now that I get a good look at your face, you do look a bit like someone from a long time ago."**

**"I have been getting that a lot. My name is... Sima Qian...?"**

**"Oh my god! Sima Qian?!v I'm such a big fan of your work-Wait a minute! He's dead!"**

**_Worth a shot and hahahah! Look at his face when he got all fanboy on me! _"Sorry, that name is common."**

**"Now that I think about it, I could probably bring him back to life if his tomb is still around... Ah, I don't want to do that... Oh well, good luck on your journey and stay safe." Lu Su turns around to walk away, leaving Sima Yi to get out of the garrison with Zhong Hui flying behind him. **

**The party now is walking up a hill and down on the other side to then walk on the same dirt trail they walked on before until the sun sets behind them. After avoiding a couple of alien camps along the way, they were almost back at the underground safehouse until a mechanical figure breaks out of the earth right in front of them. A voice is heard laughing out of it.**

**"Hahahaha! You lost? I'll crush you to the dust!" Everyone looked at the mech with unamused expressions. Sima Yi groans and mutters,"Does everywhere we go require someone to come by and try to kill us?" Sima Shi says to him,"This is why we never go out with the exception of this trip." While everyone was being very unimpressed with the mech, another smaller mechanical figure runs up to the party. It was a woman with mechanical limbs strapped onto her original human limbs along with her body being protected by more metal. Sima Yi slowly walks off to stick his head into a hole of a tree. **

**"I need a time machine. Kaguya! Are you in here?" Kaguya appears next to him and says to him matter-of-factly,"I was born in a BAMBOO STALK. I now live in the moon. I'm not some elf that lives in some... conifer tree!"**

**"You're the correct size for one." He pulls his head out and gets a good look at the woman in the mechanical exoskeleton. He notices she has reddish-orange hair.**

**"Oh. Her. Hm. What are we going to do now?" The giant mech's front opens up to reveal Zhuge Liang sitting inside of it. **

**"It's you people again..." He said with unenthusiasm. "Go along. I want to torment some aliens, not you..." The woman adds,"Everyone else can go, but not the woman for some reason is smoking a flute." **

**"Aw, why not? I did not do anything to deserve this." said Zhang Chunhua in an attempt to be innocent.**

**"You know what you did! I, Yue Ying, will not let you trample all over my pride like earlier!"**

**"Your pride still exists?" Her flute made tiny chirps as she talked. "It is almost nighttime, we have to get back in order to ensure that people get water. Now if you excuse us." **

**"The sun is still here. We have time to settle things." Zhuge Liang closes his mech's chest and uses it to walk off saying,"Please forget this. You will get hurt by her again..." **

**"Ha!" Yue Ying slams her mechanical arms into the ground, creating a huge shockwave that knocks everyone down to the ground. Sima Yi grunts as he lands and he yells at her,"Could you at least let the people not involved get out of the way?!" **

**"Shut it, old man!"**

**"Well. I now want to do what I've always wanted to do to you." The grounds shakes more to have pillars of earth protrude out and take everyone into the air. Wen Yang jumps down off the pillars and lands safely to run off with Zhong Hui following after him.**

**"I will see you all back at the safehouse!" **

**"Yeah! What he said!" Sima Shi and Sima Zhao mutter to themselves,"Those two are lucky to be able to fly or survive from falling from high areas." Another dirt pillar shoots upwards to meet them with Yue Ying on top of that one. Sima Yi gets up and says to her,"How about you let us go while you can release your sexual tension all over Lady Smokes-a-Lot here."**

**"Sexual tension? What are you talking about?"  
**

**"Come on, this is a very unhealthy obsession here. It was like when I-I mean-that Sima Yi fellow had that rivalry thing with Zhuge Liang over there..."**

**"That thing happened over ten years ago. More than that by that matter. And it is not unhealthy! I simply want to reclaim my lost dignity!"**

**"Fighting an older woman with a clear drug addiction seems a bit evil, don't you think? Let the drugs kill her is what I'm saying." Zhang Chunhua yells out to him,"I do not have drug addiction!"**

**"What is that in your mouth then?"**

**"It's... a secret. It just feels good, okay?"**

**"Yeah, you have a problem. You're smoking a flute, for hell's sake!"**

**"You made me break my last pipe with your questions!"**

**"That was all you!" **

**Yue Ying looks at them with a raised eyebrow and says to them,"You two fight like an old married couple..." The two turn to her and yell out,****"You're old!" **

**"What?!" In anger, she jumps high into the air to land hard on Sima Yi's pillar, causing it to shake and crack around him. **

**"Ahhh!" Cracks move around his feet and he runs off to jump onto Sima Shi's pillar. Yue Ying follows after him, leaving that pillar to crumble and fall down to the ground below. She lands onto the new pillar, and the pillar starts to crumble under her weight also. Sima Shi yells at Sima Yi,"Don't drag me into this!" He runs off, jumping across to the pillar where Sima Zhao was standing on. Sima Yi coughs from the dirt being kicked around. **

**"Gah... You've gotten fatter than the last time I saw you, Yue Ying." He dodges a metal fist and jumps over to the pillar Sima Shi jumped onto before. Yue Ying jumps after him and lets the previous pillar fall back down to earth. Sima Zhao yells at Sima Yi and sima Zhao,"Don't let her go onto other platforms!"**

**"You can fight, so it's fine!"**

**"I've never fought a woman in a mechanical exoskeleton!" **

**"Me neither! Ahhh!" They roll away from two metal fists smashing the area they were just on. The pillar shakes and it cracks heavily. Sima Yi and the two brothers run away from collapsing dirt and jump onto the last pillar. Zhang Chunhua yells at them,"Don't come over here!"**

**"This is the last place we can escape to!"**

**"She's going to jump over here and will cause us to go splat onto the earth! Remember we all don't have any robotic enhancements!" **

**"Right...Whoa!" The platform shakes when Yue Ying jumps over to them.**

**"Haha! You four have no where left to run!" Sima Yi yells out to her,"Can you at least let us three men down while you can have your fun time with Smokey here?"**

**"Well, it will be a lot of work. Best to just beat all of you in one shot."**

_I can't reveal my magic ability now... Wait, can I die in this universe?_

_**Yes.**_

_WHAT?_

_**You have one chance... unless you can get Kaguya to reverse a few minutes back in time... I doubt she would abuse her power to do that, so...**_

_I only have one chance... Fine. I may have to do that after all..._

**Sima Yi runs over to give Yue Ying a jump kick to her exposed face. She yells out in pain and covers her face. **

**"Ahhhh! You bastard!" The three behind him all angrily yell at him,"What are you doing?!"**

**"I do not see any of you doing anything!" They all looked at each other and Sima Shi and Sima Zhao quickly draw their swords and begin to whack Yue Ying's metal arms without doing any damage.**

**"There you go. We're doing something."**

**"Can you actually hurt her now?"**

**"You already messed up her face, I don't think we want to make this any worse than it already is..."**

**"Cut off a finger or something. A metal one." The ground shakes tremendously around them.**

**"Yue Ying is still covering up her face in agony. Why is this platform shaking then? ****It's also pretty hot around here." Sima Shi and Sima Zhao looks behind Sima Yi with faces filled with fear.**

**"What?" **

**"Turn around and be sure to cover your face."Sima Yi does that to see a giant tornado of fire shooting out into the sky and it moving towards him and everyone else behind. He jumps and yells out,"Where did that come from?!" He looks down to see the dirt pillar cracking and crumbling apart. When he looked up, the fire tornado is getting closer to him and he runs away from it to hide behind Sima Shi and Sima Zhao.**

**"We're not meeting that thing!" The two run ahead of Sima Yi and hid behind Yue Ying. Sima Yi also hides behind her and when she removes her hands away from her face, she sees the pillar of fire. **

**"Oh no! Not again!" **

**The fire hits everyone and the dirt pillar falls down with everyone still on it. Everyone falls down yelling and everyone grabs onto Yue Ying and made sure she stayed on the bottom of them. A clear purple rectangle appears at the ground, but the body made impact with the ground a few feet away from where the rectangle really was. **

**"Whoops. I missed." said Xun Yu as he walked to see the giant crater made by the high fall. Zhang Chunhua falls onto the purple rectangle a few seconds later. Xun Yu comments,"Oh. Looks like I get to catch someone with that." **

**"Yes, thank you. Now help me get those three back to the safehouse."**

**"What happened up there?"**

**"Why weren't you taken up there?"**

**"I just tried to run after the two robots, but I couldn't keep up. So I came back just in case any of you fell off and I would create an energy cushion for any of you. Now you answer my question." **

**"When the old man said cut off a finger, I got carried away. Oh well." Xun Yu looks at her right arm to see it was smoking. He then shrugs it off and goes over to the crater to drag out the soot-covered Simas.**

**In a makeshift hospital room, Sima Yi gets up quickly and yells at the walls,"I still don't get why am I still here! I am not even part of the scenery anymore! This is just like my current popularity status!" Kaguya appears with a loud poof. **

**"You were eighth place in the poll."**

**"And I lost to the new Guan girl and Lu Xun! Those little s*bleep*s!" **

**"Now, now... No need to get jealous. I could have just gone on over to Zhao Yun and gave him this experience."**

**"This is considered good?! It is horrible!"**

**"You just haven't found out the truth yet. Or is your intellect all just smoke and mirrors?"**

**"What is the truth?! Don't you have to send me to the moment when this future's me dies to see the truth?"**

**"It's not that easy really... Oh well... I suppose you will have to wander here for eternity until you get it through your head."**

**"Can I die here?"**

**"Why yes. We've established that."**

**"You can't mess up my future!"**

**"If you would speed your progress right along, then you won't have to worry about messing up your timeline."**

**"Can you give me a hint?"**

**"No." She disappears with a flash of light, leaving Sima Yi groan. He leaves the room and walks down the walkway until someone blocks his way.**

**"Please move."**

**"No. I have to speak with you." It was a man with a white headdress and armor that made him look Egyptian. Sima Yi looks at him for a moment and acts confused.**

**"I feel like I remember you, but I just can't put my finger on it..." The man angrily yells at him,"I am Xu Huang, you dope! Why does no one recognize me except all of my fellow veterans?!" **

**"I have slight dementia." _Why does Xu Huang look the same even after six years? _**

**"Now come along."**

**"Where are we going?"**

**"To the personal rooms, where no one could hear us."**

**"I don't like where this is going... I will see you." Sima Yi walks past Xu Huang, but he was grabbed by Xu Huang by the collar and gets dragged down the walkway.**

**"Ahhh! Please don't do this to an old man!"**

**"Ugh. I just want to talk." Xu Huang comes to a door and opens it to throw Sima Yi into it. He walks in after and shuts the door. A loud click fills the empty hallway. Inside, Xu Huang clasps his hands together.**

**"Okay. Let's get down to business."**

**"Did one of the women reject you? Because that is what they will do a lot unless you be persistent. Yeah! You don't need to submit to this!" said a nervous Sima Yi.**

**"I told you! I want a few words-Forget it. I know who you are."**

**"I'm not actually a Sima?"**

**"No. I know who you are and why you're here."**

**"Wait, you can see through this ugly old man disguise?"**

**"Uhhhh... No. But no man could be this ugly unless the gods just decide to be dicks. The tone of voice you're making is also pretty similar to mine." **

**"Wait, what do you mean I have the same tone of voice like you?"**

**"Right... Want to know something that will blow your mind? The real Xu Huang died during the war."**

**"...So... You're an imposter?"**

**"When you say it that way, it sounds bad."**

**"I never cared for him, so why are you telling me this?" **

**"Because!" ****Xu Huang(?) moves his hand to the underside of his chin and his skin tears under his fingers. No blood flows out of this wound, only a paler tone of skin could be seen. Xu Huang (?) is holding his face mask in his hand as he looked at Sima Yi with a familiar pale face. Sima Yi crosses his arms and says to the new face in front of him,"Well, well... Jia Chong... I never thought you would be alive-"**

**"You imbecile! I'm you!" yelled out the pale man before him. Sima Yi laughs in his face before stopping with a frown,"Oh wait, you're serious. You said 'imbecile', so it has to be true..." The man claiming to be him stands there still, unblinking. Sima Yi waves his hand in front of his eyes and nothing happens. **

**"Oh, looks like I have to wait... Wait?! Kaguya! Stop time! I want to know more!" A voice echoed in his head.**

_**Sorry, Sima Yi. Looks like you will need to wait until the show airs on the gods' HeavenBoard 6000. **_

**"Come on! Geez! Grr!" He stands there with crossed arms and grunts angrily. **


	6. We All Wanted an Obligatory Sex Scene

**Time returns to normal, allowing for the man claiming to be Sima Yi to respond to current Sima Yi. **

**"Why the hell are you so pale if you're me? This can't be right..." said Sima Yi.**

**"I have been under this mask since forever. I guess that made me not get enough sunlight into my system." said the other Sima Yi in Xu Huang's clothing.**

**"If you're me, why do you have muscles? Wait, are you in a body suit?"**

**"No. These are my real arms and... I guess I didn't protect them... That's why they look sort of tan. I had to really become Xu Huang."**

**"Are you joking me?"**

**"Nope. Ah, a shame your pussy-whipped self can't get muscles if you tried. Ah... Why are you considered the canon Sima Yi?"**

**"I am a strategist! Not a warrior!"**

**"Why can't you be both, huh?"**

**"Well..."**

**"Anyway, we can continue this argument later once we get something out of the way. I am you and you are another Sima Yi from a different timeline."**

**"Where are you from?"**

**"I am from a timeline where you stopped being a pussy."**

**"I am not a coward! I am not meant to fight, that's all. I fight with my head. Give me a better description!"**

**"The timeline I came from is when I got nerd rage. Too bad I am not meant to have a mate in that timeline..."**

**"You're not married?"**

**"No... Sort of... Not really... The universe I came from is when Zhen Ji was the only woman in Wei... My wife is just this stick figure with a hole between her legs... But she dies a lot due to getting soaked in water a lot. She doesn't even have a name. Luckily, I get to bang the women here without any consequences. I just need to get the woman that smokes a lot and I have officially banged every women in this bunker."**

**"Um... You are getting off-topic."**

**"Right! I was saying... I came from a certain timeline a looong time ago by a certain someone. You know who."**

**"Kaguya...?"**

**"Yes."**

**"If I may ask, how long have you been here?"**

**"I have been here since... I forget... It's been so long I forgot."**

**"Wait... If I can't find out the truth here, I will be stuck here until then? Kaguya wasn't kidding about me wandering around here for eternity?"**

**"Yup. I gave up finding out on this truth and just decided to bang that lady with short hair until the end of the world posing as Xu Huang."**

**"You never found this truth?"**

**"Well... I sort of did... Kaguya sent me to the time when all of this started. With you disappearing."**

**"Tell me more."**

**"You were lied to when you talked with Deng Ai. There was something before this Sima Yi so called died in the burning camp."**

**"He lied to me...? Don't tell he killed-"**

**"What? No! Deng Ai's a good guy! Why would he kill you? He is just holding back on the truth, that's all."**

**"Just give me the information and let's go."**

**"It all started when this foreign tribe declared war on Wei and this timeline's you was sent to intercept them. Not long after that, he disappeared. Did I mention he lost and had lots of casualties?"  
**

**"How did that me lose?! He must have been an idiot!"**

**"You're talking about yourself here."**

**"I still think he was an idiot. If that's all you're going to spill out, I have to talk to Deng Ai again."**

**"Alright. Good day." The alternate Sima Yi puts back on his mask to look like Xu Huang again. He leaves the room with following after him. **

* * *

**Sima Yi barges through the warehouse's door and he hits his head on the robot body of Zhong Hui. **

**"Ow!" He yelps out. "Watch where you're going! This glowing teal eye is hard to miss!" **

**"Sorry. Where is Deng Ai?"**

**"Just follow the loud work and clanking." Sima Yi walks into the dark areas of the warehouse and gets to a poorly lit workbench. Dual red glowing eyes turn to him, unblinking.**

**"You again. What do you wish of me?"**

**"You failed to give me more information. I had someone tell me there was something before Sima Yi died in the burning camp."**

**"...I see I cannot lie anymore than I have already have.**** Fine. What would you like to know?"**

**"The battle between a foreign tribe before Sima Yi's disappearance."**

**"Hmph. I was there at the time as well. I will keep it short. There were these unusual people that declared war on us. Sima Yi was sent to take care of them along with a few others. Here's where it gets very weird. These foreigners easily cut through the front lines and their commander even ran up to give Sima Yi a cut to his face."**

**"Were these people human?"**

**"They were all in masks and in unusually scaly armor." **

**"How about their commander?"**

**"He was covered up and carried a large scythe."**

**"Nothing about his face?"**

**"Nothing. I am wondering... Why are you so dedicated to learning about this? I thought you were a thrice-removed cousin."**

**"I am not a thrice-removed cousin! I'm..." _I wonder if I can just rip off my disguise... _**

**Sima Yi puts a hand under his chin and tries to tear off his face, but to no prevail. He stands there trying to rip off his face in front of Deng Ai, whose red eyes were blinking every few seconds. **

* * *

**What Deng Ai sees**

**The old man before him is tearing up his neck with his own fingers like a madman. He starts to see a wound on his neck being made as his hands were scratching at a certain point under his chin. Finally, the old man rips off his own face without any blood flowing out. Instead, he sees a familiar face he hasn't seen in six years.**

* * *

**"What is this trickery?! You're alive?!" Sima Yi pats his face down and asks,"Did that work?"**

**"You just tore off your face!"**

**"Really? Because I don't see anything in my hands..." Nu Wa's angry voice fills up his head. **

_**Damn it! He figured it out! My perfect plan ruined! **_

_I thought Kaguya did this._

_**She designed it. I just created the disguise. **_

**Deng Ai looks at Sima Yi with a shocked face with his red eyes being large on his metal visor. **

**"I thought you died."**

**"I am not the Sima Yi you know. I am a different one. Maybe you can call me the Sima Yi."**

**"...We haven't discovered time travel despite studying alien tech... This is impossible."**

**"Weeeeeelllll... I don't have a time machine... But it's something a little better than a machine."**

**"Could I take a look at it?"**

**"...I can't show it now..." _He is going to totally believe me if I said a little girl is my time machine. And he is going to think about me in a wrong way also... Wait, how old is Kaguya?_**

**_I think about... Let us just say over a thousand years old. _**

**_Huh... She's a little young for me... Not to mention she looks like a child... _**

**_She is a woman._**

**_She doesn't look like it._**

**Deng Ai puts his hand on his chin and sighs deeply. "I can't force you to show it. Oh well. If you go out there, you will get unexpected reactions. Just put back on your mask and be on your way."**

**"Will do." Sima Yi quickly realizes he doesn't have the mask in his hand. **

_Uh-oh. _

_**FYI, I can't redo the disguise for you. **_

_Why not? You're a god!_

**_Well... That disguise was single-use._**

_How in the world is a god's magic 'single-use'?!_

**_Did you write the Book of God-dery? No. So do not question your superior beings!_**

_My higher being is a woman. Great. I totally didn't need to be dominated by more women than I already am._

**_What was that?_**

_Nothing. _

**_I still heard you._**

_Go ahead. Strike a bolt at me._

**Sima Yi asks Deng Ai,"Um... Do you have any cloths or metal masks anywhere...?"**

**"I have these." Deng Ai holds up a metal skull mask and random rags. Sima Yi shrugs and takes them. **

_**I'm wearing alien skin right now, so this is the best I could do here...**_

**The warehouse door opens with Sima Yi walking out slowly with the mask on and rags wrapped around the top part of his head to cover up his black hair. **

_**This is probably going to get me more attention... Or scare everyone off.**_

**Sima Yi casually walks by the benches and is about to get out of the armory to be grabbed by the arm and before he could yell out, he gets slammed into a table, causing the people in it to gasp and back away. **

**"Alright! Who stole from the ration room? I need answers now or else you will all see what happens to thieves! Cao Pi, could you do the honors of making sure this robot gives a nice visual representation to these people." A robotic voice replies,"Very well."**

**_Shitshitshit. I need to get away! _**

**Sima Yi tries to lift himself off the table as fast as possible, but his foot gets grabbed and is thrown hard against the table, breaking it and making everyone sitting in it to get out and back away. **

**"Hm. I sense thermal heat from this robot." said Cao Pi as his robot eye shifts up and down with the light hitting Sima Yi's body.**

**"Huh? This is a robot. Why does this thing have heat?" **

**"It is heat known to be found in humans."**

**"Well. Crap. Send him to the infirmary." Xiahou Dun turns to the people out of the table. **

**"Yeah! This is what happens when you steal, you bastards!" **

**Sima Yi ends up in a bed, but his mask and rags were removed and placed on the table beside him. He sits up quickly and groans annoyedly. **

**"Why do I always end up in a bed?! I have to make it out of here before anyone sees my face." **

**"I think it's a bit too late..." Sima Yi turns to see Wang Yuanji sitting beside him with an uneasy face. **

**"This is exactly what it looks like... Right...?" Wang Yuanji slowly nods her head while still gritting her teeth.**

**"Wait, you can see my face?"**

**"I am trying to tell myself that you died, but it is really hard to not get up and run over to everyone and tell them about you."**

**"Please do not."**

**"I am still processing this, but I will have to ask: Are you really him...?" **

**"...Noooo...?"**

**"It is you, alright... I still can't believe you're still alive and still look the same age as you did years ago."**

**"Actually... It's complicated. I am not the Sima Yi you already knew. I'm from somewhere else." **

**"Oh... I see... You were abducted by the aliens and manage to escape to here."**

**"No... You know what? Close enough." **

**"So, what are you planning to do?"**

**"I just want to get out of here."**

**"Makes sense. You will give everyone a heart attack here with your presence. Just take your mask and we never spoke."**

**"Wait, you're not going to anyone about this, right?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Really?"**

**"Yes."**

**"I am glad you are the one that takes care of people here. You know how to keep secrets."**

**"I should be flattered... But that isn't a good quality in a person..."**

**"Alright, I'm leaving." Sima Yi gets off the bed and walks out of the room with the mask on. **

_**I don't know where I should go next... I barely have enough information to go investigating. And considering outside at this time, I will be vaporized by aliens/trigger-happy humans. I could trick a few people into protecting me. Wait, I don't have my disguise. I need another plan.**_

**He walks over to the main entrance and looks around at the area around him.**

_**I could just stand around here until someone comes by and questions me... T**__**hat is my best option right now.**_

**His plan succeeds with Xiahou Dun approaching him and apologizes to him.**

**"I am sorry for making my half-robot sort-of nephew smash you into the table. The mask makes you look like a robot, so I assumed..."**

**"It is fine."**

**"I have never seen you around here before. Are you a new refugee?"**

**"I just came by with some questions."**

**"Okay."**

**"Where was the place that an army was sent to intercept a foreign tribe wearing nothing but cloaks?"**

**"Huh...? Hmm... Did I fight in there...? Hmm... Maybe. It should be outside of the country borders."**

**"Ah, then I will be on my way."**

**"Are you crazy?! Seeing how the country is now, you'd hate to see what is going on outside of the county!"**

**"Well, I need some bodyguards then."**

**"No deal. Get out."**

**"I have a secret stash."**

**"I don't want money."**

**"Oh no... It's filled with medical supplies and a good three year's worth of food. Non-organs."**

**"Really? Hmm... I suppose I should go back to eating actual food again... Sure. I will help you out."**

**"You alone?"**

**"Of course! You only need me for the job. I-Hey! Waaaaaaait a minuuuute! How do I know you're not lying here?!"**

**"You can trust me."**

**"In this wasteland? Phht!"**

**"If I show you my face, would it work out?" **

**"Yeah. Remove your mask."**

**"Okay! I will!" Sima Yi slowly lifts his arms to his mask, but before he could remove his mask, the armory gates burst open loudly. Zhong Hui flies out to the two and says,"I was just listening in on your conversation here and even amplified it to everyone in here. Don't mind me." He flies between the two and goes off somewhere else. Most of the warriors of this timeline go out of the armory to stand near Xiahou Dun.**

**"If we get to actually eat real food and not alien parts, then we will go do the job for this stranger. If he betrays us, we can just kill him." Sima Yi looks at the large group and sweats a little.**

**"Umm... This is a bit large..."**

**"Hey, it's a dangerous world out there."**

**"I just need three. That will be fine. Who is the best at fighting?" Everyone raises their hands. **

**"Well. I have no idea who to choose now... Who is willing to go outside?" Everyone has their hands except for two hands remain in their air. Sima Yi looks into the group and sees Sima Shi and Sima Zhao. **

**"Oh, you two-I mean-... You two two at least narrow it down..." S_hould I get those two? Once we're at the right area, I can just reveal-Nah. They'll kill me in pure denial. _**

**Xu Huang walks forward and says out to everyone in the room,"Well, I think this man needs capable people. You have to commit into venturing to the outside borders to be this man's bodyguard. Isn't that right, my good stranger?" He turns to Sima Yi to give a discreet wink. **

**"Right..."**

**"So I think Sima Shi and Sima Zhao should follow him." The two mentioned complained,"Why? We already escorted an old man yesterday. Why us?"**

**"Oh, you two are the most reasonable compared to the half-robos here. Besides, we can just have Zhang Liao and Cao Pi be the human-robot shields for you." Zhang Liao turns to 'Xu Huang' and says,"Why don't you go?"**

**"Um... Well... I'm human and old, so I have to take it easy..."**

**"You look the same except with a few wrinkles around your face."**

**"Exactly! If you don't feel like, I can send Cao Pi and Zhen Ji." Sima Yi whispers to him,"Why them...? They are the least capable."**

**"I am just sending them to their deaths." He whispered back. "You know what? Let's send in Guo Jia."**

**"You're going to the bottom of the barrel here!"**

**"Isn't that where the good stuff is?"**

**"NO! Never! Besides, what could he do?" **

**"He... could create a mutant human race with his charms."**

**'That's horrible."**

**"You're right. Hmm... I can tell you this: He is at least able to protect you. Since he knows how to use swords and is robot-enhanced... in the wrong places..."**

**"Oh no... What did they put on him? What did Deng Ai have to suffer through...?"**

**"Well... Nothing much. It was purely for his own purpose... Look, he has enhanced strength, that god enough?"**

**"I expected him to have his... lower area done..."**

**"Oh yeah. That's done." **

**"I knew it... Wait... He won't be able to repopulate with that..."**

**"Oh, his junk is still able to produce gametes, except he has the power to control when to produce them-"**

**"Alright. Shut up." **

**"You shut up and take who I assign you."**

**"You're not the boss of me."**

**"I'm you, so I am the boss of you."**

**"I am the official Sima Yi, not you."**

**"Well, screw you because I you are getting what I just told you."**

**"You have poor taste." 'Xu Huang' ignores Sima Yi and says out to everyone,"Alright, Cao pi, Zhen Ji, and Guo Jia can go." Everyone groans loudly and all said in unison,"Wrong people!" Cao Pi crosses his arms and furrows his one eyebrow. **

**"Insulting." Zhen Ji stomps her foot and angrily says,"Rude!" Guo Jia was about to say something, but he pauses and mutters to himself,"Damn, they took my words..." He finally says, "What they said!"**

**"Also, you two fix yourselves up." added Xu Huang to Sima Shi and Sima Zhao.**

**"Why? Are we going to a pageant?"**

**"No, no. You know, what you used to wear a long time ago." The two shaked their heads. **

**"No." **

**"Now why not?" asked Xu Huang.**

**"We just do not want to." **

**"Fine. I can just go ask your mom to do it for me."**

**"Heheheh... Good luck." **

**"Everyone, you can all go. It's decided." Xiahou Dun says to him,"Hey, I was going to do the job first!"**

**"You can go too." Everyone excluding Xu Huang and Sima Yi moved out of the room. Xu Huang crosses his arms with a frown and mutters for only for Sima Yi to hear,"Some kids you raised..."**

**"They're also yours..."**

**"In my universe, my balls don't work, thus no kids. Thank god... I'd hate what I'd create with my stick of a wife."**

**"Uh...?"**

**"God, I hate her/him/it. Couldn't even at least do kinky things..."**

**"It has no gender...?" _I am going to ignore the kink comment._**

**"You know what? The real reason I never actually looked for the truth is that I hated my life back in my universe, thus I used the 'walk in this universe for eternity' to my advantage. Serves the gods right to use a crappy Sima Yi for their tests..."**

**"You hated your wife for being skinny...?"**

**"No, she is a literal stick figure. Five lines and a circle is its body. Another circle is down there to indicate her gender, but I can't tell either way or it's a penis from certain angles... Well, good night. I am going to bang the hot rough-around-the-edges redhead. You leave at dawn." Xu Huang walks off humming happily. Sima Yi sighs deeply and mutters,"Why am I getting pushed around by him...? Might as well find a room to sleep in."**

* * *

**In front of a bedroom, Sima Yi is about to open the door when the door next to that one bursts open with a young man flying out of it. He is wearing teal clothing with some extra white cloth hanging down of his legs and arms. A portion of a ****mask slides to Sima Yi's foot and he picks it up. The man gets up and runs over to Sima Yi.**

**"That is mine. Can you please give it back?" This man had somewhat short black hair ****with two long bangs parted to either side of his head. His right eye had a vertical scar running down of it. Sima Yi looks at the mask in his hand to see it was black and white. He looks back up and narrows his eyes at the man.**

**"Is that you, Shi...?"**

**"Oh, you're that stranger from before. I'm surprised you recognize me."**

_**It's because you're dressed and look like your old self! Then again, this is the 'correct' you!**_

**"Yes... What happened...? I remember you had this groomed beard and messy hair..." He hands over the mask, allowing Sima Shi to put it over the eye with the scar. **

**"You see... I received a makeover."**

**"Oh, so they feminized you."**

**"No,no. It's... Hey! This isn't feminine! This was what I looked like when I was younger!" **

**"Then why do you have long eyelashes?"  
**

**"My father had long eyelashes."**

_**...Wait, what? I do? Since when? **_**"Are you sure your mother didn't give you those?"**

**"Her eyelashes are a centimeter shorter."**

_**How the hell would you know that? Do you stare at her eyes that long to notice-Nah. Nevermind. **_**"Alright, fine. That's decent enough." **

**"I do not like returning to this form... It's... Fine...I admit it is a bit feminine... But only extra cloth is. I have armor under this and that balances it out with its masculinity."**

**_Well, this Shi is willing to be honest about his attire. The one back home is very defensive when it comes to people saying he looks feminine. Then again, I do too. _"So, where is your brother?"**

**"He is getting his mullet cut to a more practical length. His chin might receive that treatment as well."**

**"But it was just stubble."**

**"Well, the person 'fixing' us doesn't like that." Sima Shi rubs his chin with his fingers with a saddened expression.**

**"It took me six whole years to form that..."**

_Really? Six years was what that created that? That's sad._

**_Look at who's talking here! You can barely grow a beard yourself and you're in your forties! _**

_And who's fault is that? Creator of mankind?!_

**_Uh-uh! Don't pin this on me! You failed your duty as a man! _**

_Your husband barely has anything on his chin! It's just this patch of hair!_

**_He's my brother first! And yes, he has to failed his duty as a man! _**

**_Aww... That's a bit harsh..._**

_**Oh right... I forgot Fu Xi was sitting next to me.**_

**The door opens again to have Sima Zhao fly out of it with his hair cut shoulder-length and his face smooth like his brother. He was also wearing his original costume. He groans while lying on the ground with his face flat on the ground and his butt up. **

**"...Why do we even need this? We were perfectly fine..." A pair of scissors flies into his head, drawing blood that shoots out of his head. Smoke blows out of the room when Zhang Chunhua walks out of the rom and leans on the doorway.**

**"If that's what the strangers wanted, we cannot refuse him considering how large his or her reward it." **

**"The stranger was a man." says Sima Zhao still lying on the floor.**

**"It could be a woman wearing a voice changer."**

**"I'm pretty sure it was a he." Sima Shi points to Sima Yi and says,"He's right here. If you want to know." Zhang Chunhua lokos at Sima Yi for a moment before saying,"Are you sure this isn't a robot?"**

**"This is the job requester."**

**"Why's his face like that?"**

**"It's a mask... I think... Can you remove it?" Sima Yi jumps and quickly says,"I can't! It's... I have leprosy. Yes! Leprosy!" This causes Sima Shi to back a few feet away from Sima Yi.**

**"Leprosy...? Oh... I am sorry about asking to remove your mask... I have to go to bed now..." He continues to back away until he was far enough to walk away from everyone. **

**"Wait, he has leprosy? Ew!" Sima Zhao jumps up and runs off catching up to Sima Shi. Sima Yi sighs in relief, but Zhang Chunhua abruptly tells him,"You don't have leprosy."**

**"How would you know?"**

**"Well, I would smell rotting skin if you did have leprosy. Also, have you seen this old man that has an anger issue?"**

**"...No."**

**"Hmph... I risked my life to escort him and he is now lost in here. Great."**

**"Maybe he passed on."**

**"You're right. I should forget about him. Now remove your mask please."**

**"I should get going and go sleep." Sima Yi turns away from her and goes into his room. Once he goes in, the door closes with a click.**

**_Wait, I didn't reach to close the door... _**

**He gets lightly pushed so that he was standing in the middle of the room. He quickly turns around to see Zhang Chunhua standing there biting on her pipe. **

**"It's rude to walk away from people."**

**"It's rude to lock people in their own room!"**

**"You were rude first. Now please remove your mask. I'd like to see the face that my sons are protecting."**

**"What if I'm so ugly, you spit out your pipe?"**

**"Well, I just need to see. I am not judging based on your attractiveness. Now remove it."**

**"But my leprosy..."**

**"Oh, cut the charade. I know you don't have leprosy."**

**"Cancer."**

**"Cancer doesn't affect the face."**

**"Really bad acne."**

**"What are you, fifteen?"**

**"This is my face."**

**"Why isn't your mouth moving then? Remove the fu*bleep*ing mask." **

**"How about no? Now bye bye unless you want to sleep together."**

**"You leave me no choice." She reaches quickly for his mask, but Sima Yi slaps it out of the way.**

**"That's it? Haha! OOF!" He is kicked directly into his chin with Zhang Chunhua's foot coming from below him. His mask flies off and lands on the ground with a loud clang. Sima Yi immediately crouches down to pick up the mask, but he gets kicked again in the chin. Zhang Chunhua goes down to take the mask. Sima Yi gets up while covering his face with his hands. He then removes them.**

**"Ah, I give up. Give me my mask." He holds out his hand with his eye closed waiting for the mask to go into his hand, but only silence fills the room. He opens his eye after a while to look in front of him. A pipe falls to the floor with a loud clink that breaks the silence. **

**"This can't be... What is this...?" **

**_Shit. This can't be good. I have to run. _ **

**Sima Yi slowly walks towards the door, but he gets grabbed by the cloak and is pulled back. **

**"Stay here... You have some questions to answer..." Sima Yi slowly turns his head to Zhang Chunhua grabbing him with sweat covering his face. **

**"Sure... What would you like to know...? Heheheh..." **

**"...I have nothing to say..." She lets him go and ****stares at Sima Yi silently. **

**"...I know what you're thinking here... but..."**

**"Save it."**

**"Are you not shocked-"**

**"Of course I'm shocked! You're supposed to be dead! How could you just leave and not come back in six years?" **

**"Well... That's..."**

**"I do not want to hear it."**

**"You should hear because I am not your universe's Sima Yi. I am a different Sima Yi. You can say I am the Sima Yi from the present. Or for you, the past."**

**"You are still making excuses... You son of a bitch."**

**"It is the truth! Shoot... How could I prove this? I don't have white hair like you!"**

**"You always never had white hair."**

**"Back then! I should have grey hair by this time! Fine. You can be mad at me all you want, but I am not the Sima Yi you're supposed to be mad at." Zhang Chunhua crosses her arms and turns her head away from him.**

**"... When you 'died', I was sad at first, then some joy, then some sad again..."**

**"Why did you feel joy?!"**

**"I said I was sad a second time to balance it out. You should happy about that. And you have to consider my love-hate feelings for you. The joy came unconsciously when I didn't have to sit through your stupid laugh for about two days. Then the sadness kicked in."**

**"I see you were doing well after this world's Sima Yi died."**

**"No, we're not. We are living underground in fear of those things!****"**

**"And you are good at bashing in their brains."**

**"I didn't want to have to have blood on my hands every day." **

**"Everyday?"**

**"That was when we first tried out the underground bunker. We got attacks everyday, but they finally left us alone. But it was still unpleasant."**

**"You like to bash in my face in back then..."**

**"But I want to hit your face, Shi's face, or Zhao's face, not millions of scaly-faced things..."**

**"My face?"**

**"I said Shi and Zhao's faces. Though I rarely do that to Shi... But the point it, everyone is miserable here."**

**"But you have robotic limbs and lungs."**

**"Oh, for what? To smoke like the madame prostitute of a brothel?"**

**"I thought you liked it."**

**"No, I don't! I do that to scare people!"**

**"You acted like a junkie back then."**

**"It's all an act! I needed to make sure I wasn't bothered a lot and that was the answer. I saw how Jia Xu smoked his three pipes and how people ignored him and I wanted that."**

**"Wow... What are you now basically? A sexually confused woman?"**

**"I never mentioned sex in our conversation! What made you come to that conclusion?!"**

**"You might as well be since you never banged any man or woman in here."**

** "Well..."**

**"You slept with Cao Pi, didn't you...?"**

**"No, no! Besides... Eugh... How does that work...? He's part robot and I do not want to have sex with a robot... Let's just get away from the sex topic and get to your story here."**

**"Oh, you now want to hear it?"**

**"Yes. Because you already proven you're not the Sima Yi of this time with your insensitivity that only your past self could muster up."**

** "Are you going to reveal that you are a different Chunhua from another universe?"**

**"I wish. No, I am stuck in this horrible reality all because your stupid behind didn't come back home like you were supposed to."**

**"Wait, what? Didn't I go to meet a foreign tribe in battle?"**

**"Yes, and then you suddenly disappeared on the march back."**

**"How?"**

**"If I had known, I would have a more delayed reaction to seeing you after all this time."**

**"Damn it! Everyone I've talked to is a dead end!" **

**"So, why did you disappear?"**

**"Me, or the one you miss?"**

**"You are the same person technically, and you say you are from the past, so you maybe know why you disappeared."**

**"I honestly don't know."**

**"But you are the past Sima Yi, no?"**

**"I am from the past, but I never went into battle during that time. Actually, I was minding my own business until Kaguya came and took me here."**

**"Uh-huh... Oh well, you will be going out tomorrow with my sons and others, I will let you go to sleep."**

**"Are you sure you don't want to spend the night here with me?" _I want an obligatory future sex scene. _**

**"...Uhh... No... That doesn't seem very right..." Sima Yi raises his arms over his head in an attempt to be threatening.**

**"I am going to disappear on you again after tomorrow...! Are you sure you don't want to-"**

**"You're just taking advantage of me, aren't you? Well, this confirms on you not being the dead Sima Yi."**

**"So it's a yes?"**

**"No. Good night." She unlocks the door and walks out. Sima Yi reaches down to the floor to pick up the dropped pipe and holds it up.**

**"Wait, what about your pipe?" He said out the door. He gets a quick reply,"Keep it. I don't need it anymore."**

**"I don't smoke!"**

**"At least be considerate." Sima Yi shrugs and puts it in a pocket. He then realizes he doesn't have his mask. He runs out of the room and before he could say anything, the mask is thrown into his face and a voice yells at him,"Here's your mask!" **


	7. Lets start a riot up in this bitch

**"Oy, get up." The voice echoes in Sima Yi's head and he remains lying on his bed. **

**"Come on. Get out of bed. Do I need to kiss you, sleeping beauty?" Sima Yi opens his eyes groggily to see Xu Huang's face right in front of his face. **

**"Wake up, adventurer. You have to saaaaave the woooorld-KOFF!" Sima Yi punches him in the face and he fall away from the bed. He holds his face in pain.**

**"My nose! My perfectly positioned nose!"**

**"I just hit your mask's nose." Sima Yi said as he sits up in the bed.**

**"You hit my nose along with it! Gahh! It's bleeding! Ahhh! The blood is filling up my mask!" Xu Huang rips off his face to reveal the alternate Sima Yi with a bleeding nose. He takes out a mirror and looks at his reflection.**

**"Ugh, I look like that time I tried that powdery drug Jia Xu made me..."**

**"You look like Jia Chong after he just killed a pig."**

**"Why would he let the blood hit his face? That's disgusting."**

**"Blood gives him youth apparently. His skin just absorbs the blood like a towel. I don't know why pig blood works on him."**

**"Well, he's deady-dead now. He's a pile of s*bleep* somewhere in one the lakes around here." AlterSima Yi stands up to wipe his nose on his arm and puts on his mask back on to become Xu Huang again.**

**"You have to get going in order to find the truth."**

**"You keep saying 'truth', but yet you've never found it."**

**"Shut up. I like this universe a lot better than my old home. Now mush!" **

**Sima Yi puts on his mask and quickly walks to the main entrance room. He sees Wen Yang's suit of armor standing next to the doorway motionless. He approaches it and looks into its helmet does not see his red eyes.**

**"He's off right now, I guess." He looks left and right before tapping the armor with his finger. Within the helmet, red eyes slowly fade into view and they shift to Sima Yi.**

**"Oh, there's another robot like me. And it has my face."**

_**Oh, he was just in sleep mode. **_**"Oh, I'm not a robot. I am just wearing a mask."  
**

**"Aw. Where are you going, if I may ask?"**

**"Somewhere. Probably outside of the country."**

**"Really?! That sounds cool! I want to go!"**

**"You're a robot, you can easily go in and out of here as many times as you want, right?"**

**"...Well... If I do, I have the chance of being taken apart for scrap metal outside by other people... I require to be accompanied by someone to avoid this."**

**"Can you fly?"**

**"Huh?"**

**"Can you fly? That's the question."**

**"...That's not in my system. I could make a cannon out of my arms or run faster than humans..."**

**"Are you able to carry six people?"**

**"My maximum weight capacity is 2,000 pounds."**

**"Then I have to throw off one person then..." Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, Cao Pi, Zhen Ji, and Guo Jia walk into the room and Sima Yi turns to them and points at Zhen Ji.**

**"You can stay here. I have another person for the job."**

**"What?! Are you saying that because I am a woman?"**

**"Why yes. This wasteland needs to preserve its women."**

**"Unbelieveable. If you let any one of these guys die, I will make sure you lose your right to reproduce."**

**"Uh-huh. Got it." **

**"I mean it."**

_**I might not even come back here if I do find what I am looking for out there. **_**"Yes, yes... Or I can replace Guo Jia with you." Guo Jia snaps his head to Sima Yi and complains,"I have to go outside and see if there are OTHER women out there! I am actually starting to get sick of seeing the same five women here!" **

**"And who did you even have sex with?"**

**"Three of them. Cao Pi doesn't care if I do that to Zhen Ji, because the love and reasoning part of his brain is gone and now he just stands there and just acts like a giant sex toy."**

**"That's a bit cruel."**

**"Ah, he can't feel anything except anger, despair, and pleasure occasionally if you push the right buttons. Literally. There are buttons on his body."**

**"How the hell would you know all of this...?"**

**"There are no secrets here. You will be found out, so we just be all out honest with each other. Who are you even replacing the woman with?"**

**"Him." Sima Yi points at the suit of armor standing next to him.**

**"That thing?"**

**"He could carry us if we get tired of walking."**

**"I'm in for him joining the party!" Sima Shi says to them,"Can we just get this over with? We are wasting time here. Just turn on Wen Yang and let us get going." Sima Zhao snickers into his hand behind him and Sima Shi turns to him,"You have a better way of saying that? He's a robot? You turn on robots!"**

**"But he still has the mind of a human... So... Hahahah!"**

_**Huh... If Wen Yang has a human mind, wouldn't that mean he has the ability to feel pleasure, fear, and love? Well, robots don't need to reproduce, but they could still have sex, right? Ugh, that's an awful thought. Metal skeletons having sex. Ewugh!**_

**Xiahou Dun runs into the room.**

**"Hey! I'm coming along since I saw this stranger first!" **

_**More people... Well, more human shields for me. **_**"Alright... Let's go."**

**"But first question: Which way are we going?"**

**"North."**

**"North, eh? Very well."**

* * *

**Sima Yi, along with Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, Xiahou Dun, Guo Jia, Cao Pi, Wen Yang walk through dirt trails, rocky roads, and large plains of dead plant or human matter, everyone in the group slowly one by one start to pile up in Wen Yang's arms except Cao Pi. **

**"Nrrgh... Weight exceeding 2,000 pounds..." His eyes narrow as he grunts in keeping everyone up on his back and arms. **

**"No, it isn't. There are five people here that weight about 170 pounds at least. We've only taken up about a third of the weight." said Xiahou Dun.**

**"You're not the one carrying five grown men here!" **

**"Your legs can keep going while ours gave up at Skeletons' Road."**

**"But I've never had to carry people before." Sima Zhao asks him,"Didn't you carry four water tanks that were much heavier than us?"**

**"Well, the tanks were NOT SITTING ON MY BACK AND MY ARMS. I can feel the strain you people are making on my metal spine!" Cao Pi opens his mouth to have an automated female voice. You know, in those GPS things, if anyone still knows what a GPS is.**

**"Keep going for 700 miles on Dead Man's Trail. Turn right in 700 miles." **

**"Why does he have that?" asked Sima Yi. Xiahou Dun tells him,"It occasionally pops up now and again when we go to faraway places with him. It doesn't get in the way of anything." **

**"If he has to do that, why doesn't he have a male voice then?"**

**"...I don't know. His voice box is a little messed up." The ride goes on silently until Guo Jia breaks the silence with him asking Sima Yi,"So what exactly are we looking for once we step into the forbidden lands?"**

**"Something."**

**"Something...? What is it? A golden statue, some treasure...? What the hell are we risking our lives for here?"**

**"It is more like someone."**

**"Whoever he or she was, she or he is dead already if they are last seen up in the north."**

**"You never know."**

**"You are seriously ruining the humans' chance of survival by making us go with you!"**

**"You know only one man is needed to impregnate all of those five women in there."**

**"Phht! It should be at least three. Avoids the children from doing lots of incest to save humanity."**

**"Uh huh..." _Why did the alternate me make him come along? All he could do is talk my ear off about reproduction. _**

**After a while, everyone starts to doze off while being carried. Sima Yi is sleeping and a hand moves to his mask and tries to slowly lift it off his face. Nu Wa's voice rings in his hea. **

**_Hey! Wake up! Someone's being a little nosy! _ **

**Sima Yi quickly opens his eyes and lifts his body up. The hand quickly withdraws itself into the pile of people. **

**"What? Someone was trying to take off my mask?" **

**"No." Sima Zhao was the only one that wasn't sleeping and was looking off trying to seem not suspicious. Sima Yi narrows his eyes at him.**

**"You tried to do it."**

**"No! Why would I? I was napping!"**

_**You are someone who loves sleeping. This is unusual. I now have to waste my energy staying awake to keep his or maybe others' nosy hands in check.**_

**"Do not touch my mask."**

**"Why the hell not? You don't trust us with your face?"**

_**Yes. **_**"No. I have leprosy, remember?"**

**"No, you don't! If you did, I would have seen your arm fall off!"**

**"...I don't think that's how it works." **

**"Anyway, just show me. I won't tell anyone sleeping on Wen Yang's back right now."**

**"He could see."**

**"Ahhh..."**

**"End of story: I will not remove the mask for you. Now go back to sleep. I am done speaking with you."**

* * *

**500 miles later...**

**Everyone is off of Wen Yang's back much to his relief and are walking on their own two feet. It was nighttime and the area around them slowly become white with snow. **

**"It's getting colder... Brrrr..." **

**"Look, Stranger, are we there yet?" Sima Yi holds his body while shivering. **

**"Not yet. Just a little more..." _What exactly am I looking for? The gods are not giving me clues or anything! I'll die here a frozen corpse before I find anything! _**

**"How cold is it now...? I can't feel my fingers..." **

**"I wish I had my long hair now... It would have prevented me from growing icicles out of my nose..." Cao Pi's walking slows and his limbs could be heard creaking loudly.**

**"Temperature is decreasing... My arms and legs are freezing up..." Wen Yang is walking and is making the same noises.**

**"Grr! The cold is freezing my joints!" Cao Pi talks in an actually fearful voice.**

**"My heart is slowing down...! I can't lift my legs anymore..." Xiahou Dun runs by him and jams a syringe into the cheek that was made of skin. He gasps and manages to continue moving. Wen Yang complains,"Wait... What about me...?" **

**"Let me see..." Xiahou Dun goes over to him as Wen Yang comes to a complete stop. He was still able to talk and his eyes were still lit up. **

**"Can you move your jaw?"**

**"No." **

**Xiahou Dun takes off the helmet to see Wen Yang's skull to be covered in frost and his hair was frozen into icicles.**

**"Is it bad?"**

**"Uhhhhhh... I've seen worse. It looks like the cold got to your body and froze everything. Unlike Cao Pi, you can't produce body heat to help out with the thawing of your arms and legs."**

**"What do I have to do?"**

**"Well... Is there some kind of heating system in you...?"**

** "I do have some weapons in me."**

**"Well keep those going if you want to keep those joints warm."**

**"Okay..." Wen Yang stays there and he shakes a little with a loud creak coming from him. "I can't activate my weapons." **

**"Could I do manually?"**

**"Yes. You have to dig around inside the armor in order to find the buttons."**

**"Alright..."**

**Xiahou Dun starts to remove some armor plates to look around into the frosty skeletal body. Meanwhile, Sima Yi continues to walk with Sima Shi and Sima Zhao looking at him coldly while holding themselves due to cold. **

**"If we die doing this trivial job for you, I will come to haunt you and kill you with my ghostly powers." **

**"What are you talking about? I am not misleading you people here..."**

**"The cold is going to kill all of us! Except the robot."**

**"Well..." Guo Jia joins in the argument and says to Sima Yi,"The only women I could be banging here would be snow-women!"**

**"Look, just bear with this and-Who are those up there?" Up ahead, there was a towering figure. **

**"Is that who you're looking for? Then let's go get to him or her!" Sima Shi and Sima Zhao run ahead of everyone towards the figure and stop suddenly. Everyone else catches up and stands there with dumbstruck faces. A statue of Guan Yu frozen in a defensive pose stood in front of them. Xiahou Dun finally puts back on Wen Yang's armor and goes over to the statue.**

**"So this was what happened to him..." Sima Yi turns to him.**

**"What happened to him?"**

**"He put up a somewhat fight, so the aliens gave him this. He was frozen into stone. Alive. He is still alive in there, but probably gone mad. I can't believe you were looking for a statue. Now where's our reward?" **

**"This isn't what I was looking for! Just.. wow... It is so well-preserved even after six years."**

**"It looks like the aliens got bored of him, and just dumped him here. Hehehe... Can you believe people having a giant statue of Guan Yu in their house? Haha! That's a silly idea! Haha!" Xiahou Dun covers his eyes as he laughs loudly at the Guan Yu statue.**

**"Yes... Funny... Heheheh..." Fu Xi's voice echoes in his head.**

_**That's not funny. Because in the super future, people do have giant statues of Guan Yu in their houses. **_

_**What's the super future...?**_

**_That's the future of this future._**

**_Nevermind._**

**"Hey, I see more statues up ahead over there." pointed out Guo Jia. Cao Pi looks at his direction and says with his eye shifting at the two figures,"I sense heat from those two. They are not statues."**

**"Ooh, can you tell me their genders?"**

**"Both are female."**

**"Are you sure? Are you sure they're female? Because I don't trust your scanner thing."**

**"Both are female. Both have ovaries. Ovaries are required for human reproduction."**

**"Yeah, yeah. Sweet! Maybe those two will lead me somewhere warm!" **

**"Wait-" It was too late. Guo Jia is running towards the two figures waving and calling out to them. After he gets far enough from everyone, he is sent flying back towards them. **

**"Ow... ow... What the hell was that?" Muffled voices could be heard where the two figures are.**

**"Dig faster!"**

**"There are people actually up here!" Two more voices make loud groaning. **

**"How do we even know the stuff would be even in here...?"**

**"We're in the middle of nowhere that Hell froze over!" **

**"It looks like some people are up here looking for something..." said Xiahou Dun. He stands there staring off before running towards the people up ahead. **

**"They must be searching for the same thing the stupid stranger is looking for! We're not letting them get it!" He is followed after by everyone else except Sima Yi, who was slowly walking behind them. **

**"Nrrgh... I'll just walk over here and..." He catches up to everyone and sees four unfamiliar people in cloaks surrounding a large dirt hole. Two were actually inside of it with shovels. **

**"Hey! We said to get back!" yelled out of the people standing near the hole. Xiahou Dun points a stern finger at them and yells out,"Get away from there! That's our treasure!"**

**"Treasure? There's no treasure here!"**

**"What is it?"**

**"We're not telling you." Sima Shi asks,"Why are there two women in the middle of a frozen hell? They should be back down south to get rest and be ready to repopulate."**

**"That's sexist!" **

**"Well? Men don't have uteri. They're only capable of planting the seeds." **

**"We can do just fine, thank you!" The person looks down the hole and yells out,"Hey! You two doucenozzles find anything yet?" Two voice respond to her in an echo.**

**"Nothing but dirt and rocks down here!"**

**"Oh! And a hand... A black stone hand. Let me see... Nope. Just rocks stuck together."**

** "Well, keep looking harder! Understand only one male is required to impregnate every women in the country! We can just bury you two alive and the world can keep on spinning without you! " The person turns back to everyone and says,"Now please go before we will send you people flying much farther than with the blondie over there." Guo Jia rubs his head and mutters,"Wow... Never thought I'd miss the women back in the safehouse." A giant gust of cold wind blows around everyone, knocking off the hoods off the two cloaked women. One has long black hair tied into a high ponytail and the other has brown hair cut into a bobby hairstyle. The latter quickly takes her hood and puts it on.**

**"Jeez! It's so cold up here!" The woman with black hair tells her,"Well, you were the one who suggested we go out here."**

**"I didn't want you to come! You could have just stayed home and kept my brother from going insane!" **

**"He's fine."**

**"You're delusional! He made some people just looking for water fight a flamethrower-wielding pyromaniac. Not naming any names, but he also got his ass kicked by a guy with a HUMAN flamethrower. A human flamethrower! I want one! Too bad those two birdbrains down there can't be s*bleep*!" Sima Yi tugs on his cloak while laughing uneasily. Sima Zhao says to the woman,"Hey! That was us!"**

**"Well, it was this old man who used our mother as the flamethrower, but it's a long story." adds Sima Shi.**

**"Really? Wow... Sorry for being so rude before then. If I had known my brother did something bad to you, I would have been a bit nicer." **

**"I suppose you are Sun Quan's sister, right?"**

**"Why yes. This lady here is his wife! Who is clearly being too oblivious to Quan's condition!"**

**"My lady, he is fine. We just need to find those two and bring them back to him and he will be healthy again."**

**"Lian Shi, that's the problem. You're too goddamn nice!"**

**"I'd like it if you would stop swearing so much..."**

**"Well, too bad! We're in the middle of the tundra or the North Pole for all I know! I can swear all I want out here!" **

**"Ahem... Can we get back to why are you digging up the snow here?" asked Xiahou Dun. **

**"... I suppose you know how my father and brother died, right...?" said Sun Shang Xiang in a serious voice.**

**"Yes. I saw the execution. His was right after Cao Pi was executed. He's right here, half-covered in metal."**

**"Those aliens don't know how to execute people. Advanced beings, my ass. Anyway, I learned they froze their bodies in this black stuff and tossed them out here."**

**"By whom?"**

**"It's a long story. I was captured and was ready to be taken away until the two birdbrains down there along with others came and busted a few of us out. Before that, I heard of the guards talking about dumping things up north. I set out everyday with some people to go and search for the place. This giant hole might be it."**

**"Reallly...?"**

**"Yes! The life-size Guan Yu statue out there is proof enough! He was frozen to be kept as a decoration until the aliens got bored!"**

**"And why did they freeze your family's bodies after they killed them...?"**

**"I guess they just wanted to. Then they got bored and dumped it here like everything else."**

**"Wow... So what's here?"**

**"Stone statues of people and miscellaneous alien junk." They continue talking while Sima Yi stands at a few feet away from the group talking to himself,"...Is this seriously going on without me...?" Kaguya appears from thin air with a poof.**

**"Well, you're just standing here like an idiot. Aren't you going to do something?"**

**"I just want to find the truth you want me to find!"**

**"You want truth? You already got it! The Xu Huang/Sima Yi person told you! Remember?"**

**"All I remember is that I punched him in his perfectly postioned nose."**

**"No. Remember what he said before you punched him."**

**"Oh, it him saying in a high-pitched voice: "You have to saaaaave the worrld!" Like that."**

**"Phht... Your voice gets high-pitched when you say that... Hahah! I wish I have a camera with me..."**

**"Shut up. You want to know he said that?"**

**"Exactly. It is what he says."**

**"I have to save the world? Really? Isn't that Zhao Yun's job?"**

**"Well, Zhao Yun... is uh... well... he's boring. I would not get those reactions you do from him. He'll actually go search for the truth non-stop."**

**"Really?"**

**"Yes. Even Nu Wa says he is mind-numbing boring. Nu Wa! She created that man! Indirectly... But still." **

**"I have to save the world? Really? Excuse me." Sima Yi walks far away from the group and makes sures he is outside of ear's reach. Kaguya follows him and stands near him. They make eye contact for a moment until Sima Yi breaks out laughing, causing him to take off his mask to let himself breathe.**

**"GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHHA! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAHHAHHAHAHHAAHA! WHAT?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kaguya looks at him with a cold face and crosses her arms to wait for him to stop cackling. **

**"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHHA! HA! HA... Haaaaa... Ah ha... Heheheheh..." Sima Yi wipes a tear from his eye and stands up straight, breathing heavily.**

**"You are funny! Gckhaha... Me? Save the world? Phht! I am most likely to destroy it! I sided with Orochi back then! What makes you think I could save the world?" kaguya simply stares at him with her eyebrows arched downwards and arms crossed. Sia Yi stops smiling and realizes.**

**"Wait, you're serious..." **

**Kaguya nods silently and uncrosses her arms. ****"I know, I know... You are going to have to do something that Xu Huang/Sima Yi man never finished. You have to save the world."**

**"From what exactly?"**

**"Orochi."**

**"I thought he was banished a few years ago..."**

**"Yes, but he is coming back and you have to stop it in time so that the gods can come down to seal him back up again."**

**"Why aren't those two up there not doing anything then?"**

**"Because... I never told them?"**

**"You are awful."**

**"I have a lot on my plate here, okay?! I have the moon to take care of and... stuff..."**

**"You're not even married, and you tell me you have things to do? Haha."**

**"Hey! I could get married anytime I want! I chose not to!"**

**"Who are you seeing? The martians? Are there aliens up there on the moon? Is the legend of the man in the moon true and you're having some fun time with him?"**

**"NO! Look, just see what those two girls want and go along with your stranger quest."**

**"No. I want to go now! This is ridiculously a waste of my time!"**

**"Lalalalalalla! Can't hear you!" She disappears in a poof, leaving Sima Yi walk back to the group reluctantly. He quickly puts back on the mask on the way. He blends into the group as Xiahou Dun finishes saying,"...so that's the body?" **

**"Oh, they found it?" The deep hold produced two dirt covered men with shovels. Sima Yi instantly recognizes them as Ling Tong and Gan Ning.**

**"Those two again..." Gan Ning pulls up a large black slab and tosses it onto the white snowy surface. **

**"There! I found something! I'm hungry and all that's here is snow!"**

**"You can eat dirt and worms." said Ling Tong as he holds up a handful of soil with worms wriggling around in it. **

**"You can eat that. I want real food." Sun Shang Xiang tells him,"You aren't eating until you find another one." **

**"Why? That thing seems to be enough-Kagh!" He is kicked in the face and he falls back down into the hole. Sun Shang Xiang sighs deeply and looks at the black slate. **

**"This doesn't seem to have any body parts..." Lian Shi goes over and puts a hand on her shoulder.**

**"We have to go. We have to make it back home before dusk."**

**"Damn it... I thought this would be it..." Kaguya appears next to Sima Yi again.**

**"That slab of stone is giving off a menacing aura, why don't you take a look?" **

**"It's just stone."**

**"Look at it. It's strangely scaly." **

**"Huh, is that right?"**

**"Go!" Kaguya hits him in the back and he rushes over to the stone slate. He kneels to look at it. Strange cravings are seen when it is observed up close. **

**"What are these?" Kaguya floats over to where he is and says,"This is Old Japanese."**

**"So Chinese then?"**

**"No, it's Old Japanese."**

**"It's Chinese..."**

**"Fine. You read it." **

**"This has no sentences. It is just 'chaos' written all over."**

**"You missed a few words here... This one is 'humanity dead'... I think this was written by Orochi himself. Only he could write these things."**

**"Or. Or it could some random idiot thinking doomsday is approaching."**

**"Same thing."**

**"Last time I saw Orochi, he was eloquent for a demon."**

**"Yes... Strange... Take this with you." **

**"It's a three foot slate of stone!"**

**"Fine... I grant you infinite inventory space. Touch the slate." Sima Yi does that and the stone slab disappears. The moment he did that, his head gets filled with cackling laughs and he sees black smoke taking up his vision. It then suddenly dispersed when Sima Yi stands up. **

**"What was that...?" By the time he turns, Kaguya was gone. He also notices the women had already left with Gan Ning and Ling Tong chasing after them. Sima Shi goes over to him saying,"It seems it was a waste of time coming out here. Looks like we have to kill you."**

**"Whoa! No! I was... uh... wrong about the directions! Yes! I was wrong! It is down a little south!"**

**"...You are honestly going to lie to me now?"**

**"No! Uh..." He hears a loud click and sees that Sima Shi's hand is already on his sword's handle. "S*bleep*!" Sima Yi runs fast in the direction of south. He runs hard against the cold wind against him, ignoring everything to avoid death. **

**"Damn it! He still has the 'kill first, ask questions later' attitude!" **

**Ignoring leg ****fatigue and the cold wind blowing against him, Sima Yi pants loudly as he runs across the large area of snow. He passes by the Guan Yu statue and finally gets to see the snow lessening. **

**"Almost out of there! Huff... huff..." **

***About an hour and a half later...* **

**He is now no longer surrounded by snow, but empty plains with abandoned houses in them. He sees what is left of the Imperial Palace and runs towards there. **

**"I feel great! Why don't I always run-Right. I have bad joints." He turns his head to look behind to see a giant trail of dust blowing towards him. When the dust clears enough to see what is causing it, it is everyone that Sima Yi abandoned back up north riding on a motorized cart-like vehicle. At the car's front was Wen Yang's helmet that has glowing red eyes acting as headlights in it. They all were holding swords or guns with enraged looks on their faces. **

**"S*bleep*! He had that option?! Why didn't he pull that out before?!" Sima Yi pushes his legs to run faster so that he manages to reach a crumbled wall to quickly climb over it. He jumps over stone rubble and dodges fallen beams. He turns around and see the mini car jumping over the wall he just went over and the obstacles on the ground. **

**"Could this thing go any faster?!" Wen Yang's voice is heard yelling back sarcastically to Sima Shi,"I'm sorry! Do you want to turn into a car that is holding up five people on your back? No? Didn't think so!" Up ahead, Sima Yi pants heavily as he dashes through the charred remains of the city, avoiding the pieces on the ground. **

**"Grr... They're catching up...!" Sima Yi quickly scoops up a few rock from the ground and tosses it over his shoulder. The rocks tumble towards the mini car, hitting its head and wheels. Some of the rocks hit the red headlights, causing the car to swerve and yell out in pain. **

**"Naaagh! My eyes!" The red headlights shut off and the wheels start to run over rubble, making the ride for everyone on it uncomfortable.**

**"Come on! Your eyes can feel pain?!"**

**"Why do you feel pain?! Whoa!" The car completely turns away from Sima Yi's trail and crashes into a pile of wood and stone. Sima Yi looks back and taunts them while laughing,"Haha! That's what you get for using a robot that can feel human things!" He finds a charred open gate and runs through there. He finally stops to walk in front of the former palace. The steps leading to it were still intact, but the palace itself was completely destroyed with only a few broken columns standing around it. **

**"Never thought I'd see this place in this condition. I'd always thought it would burn down, not be crushed to dust by aliens." A dark cloud surrounds the rubble and a dark figure is standing at the top of the steps. It turns away to walk through the fallen entrance that had its red gates hanging on hinges. Sima Yi sees it and climbs the steps to follow the figure. Kaguya suddenly appears, stopping him.**

**"Wait! Do you want to save?"**

**"...What? No."**

**"Fine. Don't go complaining to me when you fail."**

**"Fail? What's up ahead?" She disappears without saying another word. Sima Yi sighs and heads up the steps and stands in front of the broken doors. He walks through to see just beautifully painted but still broken pieces of the former palace's roof and walls. The dark figure walks by him and is walking further into the palace rubble. **

**"Hello? Hey! Don't ignore me!" The dark figure turns around sharply to say in a deep voice,"Follow me." **

**"To where? We are both in a destroyed palace. There's nothing to follow you to!"**

**"Ah, you still have that snarky attitude, don't you? Oh fine. Let's talk here." The cloaked figure lifts up his hood to reveal a grey face with blue squiggly markings going across on both sides of his face through his cheeks. He had black messy hair with a large tuft of white hair hanging over his left eye.**

**"Orochi...? Is that you?"**

**"Long time, has it, Sima Yi? When was the last time you turned your back on humanity to work for me? I loved those days back then. Everyone was so fun to kill and kill over and over again. Ah, a shame you were converted back to the human coalitions."**

**"Why are you here? I thought you were banished or... killed?"**

**"I will never die. I will be revived no matter how many times I get 'killed'."**

**"What do you want?"**

**"Heheheheh... Nothing from you. You failed me. I plan to destroy this world and those aliens did most of the work for me. I will kill those ugly things too."**

** "You're pretty ugly yourself..." **

**"Excuse me?"**

**"Nothing."**

**"That's right. There will be nothing left of this world. Once I do that, I will go to another world and destroy that. Now, would you like to help me with that?"**

**"Hmm... It seems right to put this world out of its misery..."**

**"That's the spirit!" **

**"I'll do it!" Kaguya appears out of nowhere with a frowning face and lifts her branch to fill the area with pure white. **

* * *

**Time has been rewinded a few seconds back to when Orochi offered an alliance with Sima Yi. **

**"Now, would you like to help me with that?" Sima Yi receives an invisible whack to the head.**

_**Choose the right answer!**_

**"Ow, ow... Fine... No, Orochi. I'm past that now." **

**"Past being evil? What happened? When did you turn into such a pansy? Ha! I'm not going to even bother. Come back when you have the balls to fight me about this." Orochi shrugs and walks off with a scoff. Kaguya appears next to Sima Yi to hit him and toss him a sword that has a faint blue aura surrounding it. **

**"He's getting away! Kill him!"**

**"Just like that?" Orochi turns around and sees Kaguya. **

**"You again... Why must you butt into everything?"**

**"I simply assist."**

**"Phht. More like pester people like some magical glowing fairy. Hey this, hey that. Take this. Listen to that."**

**"I don't do that." Sima Yi turns to her and says,"Yes, you do."**

**"Shut up and fight!"**

**"Really?"**

**"Him? Fight me? Ha! He carries a fan and shoots lasers! What's he going to do to me?" taunted Orochi. Kaguya disappears and a few moments later, loud yelling is heard. Kaguya appears again next to Sima Yi.**

**"What did you do?"**

**"I simply alerted those six to your location with a convenient-to-the-plot old lady disguise." **

**"WHAT?!" The rubble gets pushed aside and Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, Xiahou Dun, Guo Jia, Cao Pi, and Wen Yang are standing in the palace rubble with Sima Yi and Orochi.**

**"Kaguya! What are you doing?"**

**"Bye." Kaguya disappears for good, leaving everyone else to slowly approach Sima Yi with malicious looks in their eyes with their weapons. Orochi chuckles,"I see you bring unhappy company everywhere you go. I recognize a few of these fellows. That one used to work for me, that one tried to kill me, that one tried to kill me, I don't know those two... And that one tried to kill me. Oh well, I will take these fools on." Orochi takes out his giant scythe and charges towards the angry party. They are taken by surprise and try to defend themselves against Orochi. Orochi makes one large slash with his scythe to knock everyone away. They all fly in all directions away from Orochi and crash into piles of rubble that are around. Orochi stabs his scythe into the ground and turns around to Sima Yi.**

**"As I was saying, you really think you can kill me? Again? Then again, you really had little screentime during the last time you tried to go up against me. I believe it was the three Stupid-teers."**

**"Well... One of them wasn't very stupid..." _Hanbei, right? That little kid that claims to be a genius like me?_  
**

**"Ah, he acts like it. So, what is it going to be?" **

**"I have one more question. How do you know who I am with the mask on?"**

**"I recognize your sarcasm and voice."**

**"Point taken."**

**"Last chance to humiliate yourself. If not, I will go tend to destroying the world. Maybe I will start with that bunker." **

**"What bunker?"**

**"Come on, you know what bunker I'm talking about. I've watched you ever since you plopped down here. You won't mind that, will you?"**

**"No. None at all." **

**"Not taking sides? Just as I expected of you." Rubble piles start to move with everyone from earlier rising from it. **

**"Not yet..."**

**"I'm not letting your scaly ass wipe out humanity. Again."**

**"I don't know who you are, but I know you're a threat."**

**Orochi turns to those that are rising from the rubble and says dryly,"You don't know when to give up, do you, humans?"**

**"You plan to kill everyone in there? Well, you're going to have to kill us before getting in there!" Orochi snickers and swipes up his scythe to slash at everyone. This time, it gets countered and he gets hit. **

**"Grr! Why are humans so tenacious?" Kaguya taps Sima Yi and points at Orochi and to the sword Sima Yi is holding.**

**"Hurry up wheile he is letting down his guard! Isn't that your style? To backstab people?"**

**"Why yes it is. But I feel this would be very disrespecful-"**

**"Since when do you know anything about respect?!"**

**"...Point taken. Fine!" Sima Yi takes up a offensive pose with the sword, but Kaguya freezes time.**

**"Hey! What now?"**

**"Time's up."**

**"WHAT?" **

**"I have to limit the gods' TV watching. They can't have everything."**


	8. I know, I don't understand either

**Orochi fights everyone and is getting the upper hand. Kaguya floats next to Sima Yi eating a bag of popcorn. **

**"This is so entertaining."**

**"This is your mortal enemy here."**

**"I am his secondary enemy. You're thinking about Susanoo. But Orochi's not trying to attack me, so it's fine by me." She throws a handful of popcorn into her mouth. **

**"You're surprisingly relaxed about this..."**

**"Ah, this is my job. I have to warn about demon attacks and be the gods' messenger girl." Orochi approaches the two with his scythe stained with blood.**

**"I've gotten rid of our distractions." **

**"You killed them?"**

**"Ah, simply incapacitated them. Now, I hope you don't disappoint me." Kaguya flies off, leaving Sima Yi to be face-to-face with Orochi. Kaguya pulls out a remote like device and punches a series of numbers. **

_**'Warrior's Spirit' Cheat Activated**_

**Sima Yi stands there with his sword staring blankly off and says to Kaguya,"What was that supposed to do?" Kaguya turns away while whistling in an act of being innocent. Orochi swings his scythe at Sima Yi, and his arms quickly lift up to block the blow with the sword. **

**"That's the spirit! Come on! Try to kill me! Kahahahahaha!" Orochi kicks Sima Yi and he backs off from him. He gets a popcorn kernel to his cheek.**

**"Come on! I can't believe you can't fight even with a cheat on! Boooooo! You suck! I don't know how your wife has not cheated on you with your boss yet! Your second boss! Not your first one! That's disgusting!" yelled out Kaguya as she continued throwing popcorn at Sima Yi. Sima Yi turns bright red in anger and veins pop in his forehead. **

**"You're a horrible role model for all boys everywhere! You see those two sons you have? You were just as a horrible of a role model to them! With your pretty boy-ness and skinny bones! You're a failure of a man! I bet you just jerked off into a bottle and gave it to your wife instead of actually having sex! Boooo! Confucius frowns upon you!" Sima Yi closes his eyes and shakes while clenching his sword as steam comes off of his head. Orochi puts a hand on his hip and comments,"Wow, that's harsh. Even for me, Kaguya." **

**"NNNNNNNRRRRRAGH!" Orochi quickly holds up his scythe to defend against a harsh strike from Sima Yi's sword.**

**"Hahahaha! That's the spirit! Hate me! Loathe me! Let the hate flow through you!" **

**"I can't attack her because she is my only way home! I'll have to do with you!" He rapidly slashes angrily towards Orochi and he blocks them while laughing maniacally. Orochi then stops laughing to grab Sima Yi by the neck and throws him against the ground.**

**"Gnnagh!" **

**"Enough flailing about. Fight like a warrior."**

**"I'm a politician and a strategist... Not exactly warrior types occupations... Argh! My neck!"**

**"I don't care." Sima Yi raises his arm to stab at Orochi, but Orochi grabs it and throws him across the area for him to hit a pile of palace rubble. Sima Yi quickly flips over and gets up onto his feet. Orochi dashes towards him to cut at him, but gets blocked. Orochi uses a hand to reach for Sima Yi, but it gets stabbed with another sword Sima Yi had on him.**

**"Get your hands off of me, you damn dirty demon!" Sima Yi forces the sword into his hand, pushing it back and letting the sword impale him in between his chest and shoulder.**

**"Nrragh!" **

**"Here's another!" Sima Yi uses his main sword to slash downwards at Orochi, creating a straight scar onto his chest and a scratch on his scythe. He gives him a kick to the abdomen, making his hand and body slide off the other sword with blood spilling out. Orochi yells out in pain and pants while looking at the wound on his hand. He then snickers to have it turn into laughter.**

**"Heheheheh... HAHAHAHAHA! This isn't disappointing! Yes! I demand more entertainment!" **

**"Are you not entertained yet?!"**

**"Hahahahaha! Come on! This is fun! Don't you think this is fun?"**

**"No! I find it exhausting!" **

**"Too bad!" Orochi runs towards him with his scythe and he swings it from below towards Sima Yi. He dodges fluidly and jumps onto the scythe and runs up Orochi's arm to kick him in the face. **

**"Nrgh!" He staggers back and Sima Yi lands on the ground to stab him with both of the swords in his hands. Orochi coughs blood as Sima Yi removes the blades out of him. **

**"Haaaugh... Huff... Haha..." Orochi forces himself to stand straight and clenches onto his scythe. He makes a swing with it and Sima Yi uses his main sword to cut the blade off. The blade flies upwards, eventually landing far off from Orochi. **

**"Hmph... Somewhat sufficient... Sima Yi... Have you not figured out something yet...?"**

**"That you're a major asshole?"**

**"Yes, I am... Do you recognize this form of asshole-ry? Heheheh... Look at my face for a moment and you shall see..." Orochi staggers backwards and sits onto a large piece of stone. Blood drips from his wounds onto his stone seat. He looks up, letting the sunset hit his face, bringing attention to his facial features. His face is somewhat familiar except for some bags under his eyes. Sima Yi looks at him and says,"I don't see anything. The scales and tattoos are not helping me here."**

**"Why don't you take out that black stone slab there?" **

**"This?' Sima Yi takes out the black stone plate he got and holds it front of Orochi. It shines brightly and the black stone breaks apart to reveal a mirror. **

**"Whoa! Wait..." Sima Yi looks at the mirror and sees his own face. Twice. The one across from his own reflection has the same messy black hair and white tuft of hair as Orochi."Oh come on... Don't tell me you're ANOTHER alternate me from another universe..." **

**"Heheheheh... No... I'm you." **

**"Heheheheheh... I'm sorry, I met me already."**

**"Whatever you you have met before me, that was some random Sima Yi Kaguya decided to dump into this place."**

**"Actually, he enjoyed this universe so much, he didn't bother completing his mission." **

**"Forget about him. Look at me. Understand that I am you. I am your future."**

**"I am an Orochi imposter?"**

**"You don't understand. I AM Orochi."**

**"Last time I checked, there was one Orochi."**

**"Quit being yourself for a moment and listen to me. You want your truth? I am the truth. I am all you need to learn of six years ago." **

**"Oh, then tell me." **

**"First, tell me of what have you heard from other people about yourself."**

**"According to them, you went to fight with these cloaked tribals."**

**"Well, those cloaked tribals were demons. The main commander was Orochi. The one you know and hate. Now, this is where it gets foggy for everyone. Only I know what really happened."**

* * *

***Flashback to six years ago***

**Sima Yi sits on his horse, watching the battle between the cloaked demons and his army. His horse suddenly falls down along with him. **

**"Ah!" He gets up and sees that his horse is dead. **

**"You missed." He said while brushing off dirt. When he turns around he sees a tall dark figure with a scythe on its back. Before he could do anything, he gets stabbed in the chest by a clawed hand. The hand withdraws out of him and Sima Yi holds his chest in pain.**

**"Gah...! Hu... What..." He sees his chest has no wound on it and does not see the dark figure anywhere. Sima Yi then turns green to puke out black vomit.**

***Flashback paused***

* * *

**Sima Yi quickly tosses the mirror away in disgust. **

**"THIS thing is puke?!"**

**"Don't be a lady about this! Let me finish!" yelled out the Orochi(?) Sima Yi.**

* * *

***Continued***

**Sima Yi groans and looks behind him to see the cloaked warriors retreating. The army cheers victoriously while Sima Yi holds his chest and is looking at his black vomit. He ignores it along with his chest and walks to the excited army. The vomit slowly moves after he left to form an uneven slab of stone and it sinks into the earth. **

**A few days later, nighttime**

**As Sima Yi rides a horse next the marching army, he constantly feels nauseous and gets pains through his body.**

**"Am I sick...? Not possible... I am always healthy. Probably a little sick in the stomach..." Once he gets to a camp, he staggers off to hide behind tents holding his head.**

**"Nrrgh... Grr... What's happening...?" His face starts to become grey and blue markings start to form across his cheeks. As the transformation happens, you hear Sima Yi interrupting the flashback.**

**"I feel like this is a bit cliche..." **

**"Shh! Shut up! Let me tell the story!" yelled out Orochi(?) Sima Yi. **

**Sima Yi's face has changed completely and is not his usual self. He makes a blank expression before quickly grinning with his teeth being all pointed. He quickly walks over to a post that is holding a torch and he grabs it. He sees another and takes its torch. Walking out of the camp, he uses the torches to set the wooden walls on fire. He then drops the torches to run off into the night. **

* * *

**Sima Yi stands there with crossed arms staring at the Sima Yi sitting before him.**

**"...Really? That truth is rather boring, if you ask me... I can't believe I risked that much just for that... You are uncreative..."**

**"I was possessed at the time! I couldn't think for myself!"**

**"You are talkative for someone who is suffering from life-threatening wounds right now."**

**"This is nothing. I've suffered worse."**

**"Like abandoning everything you had to pursue world domination?"**

**"I told you! I was possessed!"**

**"Why does Orochi need to possess someone? He has his own body."**

**"It was destroyed."**

**"How did he get to you then...?"**

**"It must have been a temporary one set up by his minions... Look, don't make this any harder than it looks!"**

**"So what do you want me to do, huh?"**

**"There's nothing for you to do now... Except killing me."**

**"And let you abandon everyone else again? I don't think so."**

**"I've already abandoned everyone the moment Orochi took over me."**

**"Didn't know you would simply give up."**

**"There is nothing to live for in this world anymore. Soon everyone will be afflicted with insanity and destroy themselves." **

**"Wait! What do you mean by that?" Orochi(?) Sima Yi looks up at him and says,"Have I ever told the definition of insanity?"**

**"I know what insanity is! I'm not stupid! What do you mean when everyone will be afflicted with insanity?"**

**"Foreigners in a new country spread disease to the native population. Aliens are no different. They came to this world and made any human suffer from many illnesses. Those who actually survived everything will slowly descend into madness thanks to a parasite I unwillingly spreaded. The effect is hastened when the host is very depressed or stressed. Some people fight it still, but it will be all for naught... Tell me, back to the past for you, what was it that you fought for?" **

**"I never really knew... I've always said to myself about purging the world of imbeciles."**

**"That's what I thought myself, but is that it?"**

**"Hm? Well... I never thought of anyone but myself. Never cared about anyone else and used everyone as a pawn."  
**

**"But do you not have people now to think of? Specifically, a family?"**

**"I'm still adapting to having people you are obligated to care about. But I don't necessarily fight for them."**

**"Maybe you do not fight for people, but for something else."**

**"Something else, huh? Hm... I guess I will have to think about that as I go here."**

**"Surely it will hit you soon..." ****He closes his eyes and tilts his head downward. Sima Yi**** looks at his own lifeless body as Kaguya floats next to him.**

**"You found the truth. Good for you. Also, here's your score for your fight." Kaguya holds up a board with three stars printed on it.**

**"THREE STARS?! With my amount of effort, I deserve five!"**

**"Five stars are for people who finish battles fast and perfectly. Now, what are you planning to do now?" **

**"We should get those people that got injured back to their bunker. It's the least I could do for dragging them out here letting them almost die." **

**"We?"**

**"Hm? You're against helping?"**

**"I'm surprised YOU want to help."**

**"Heh, do not question my emotions now. Just do it."**

**"Fine." Kaguya walks outside and finds the people from earlier lying in rubble with some blood on their bodies, excluding the robots. Sima Yi picks up the mirror he had thrown before and puts it away. When he walks outside of the palace rubble, a shine hits Sima Yi's eye and he pushes debris away to find a giant metal sphere resembling an eye. The eye suddenly shifts and floats up to talk in a familiar voice. **

**"Ah! There you are! I've been looking for with a message, but I was knocked off by this gust of wind and got stuck under all of that rock and wood!" Sima Yi narrows his eyes and groans in an annoyed tone.**

**"Why do you keep coming along wherever I go...?"**

**"Don't be rude. I have something for you." Zhong Hui's eye projects a clear blue image in front of him. It lags and doesn't show clearly.**

**"Nevermind. Here's the recording." Zhong Hui turns off the projection and two voices play through him. **

**"...Now do I press this?"**

**"Yes." responded Zhong Hui's voice in the pre-recorded message. **

**"And this one next?"**

**"Yes! There! Make your statement already!" Sima Yi comments,"That was Chunhua's and your annoying voice."**

**"Yes. Now listen." The pre-recorded message continues properly. **

**"Whom ever Sima Yi you are, I just want to say this: Please go back to your right time and fix this. Because this is HELL. If you're the past Sima Yi, maybe you can not die in that past and make a different future." **

**"...Wow... Very motivational... Well, she was never a good motivational speaker anyway. Always pulling me down to earth when I was high up in the clouds." The recording continues with Zhong Hui calling Zhang Chunhua old.**

**"Why are you so old?"**

**"I'm not old! I'm only thirty-eight! There are women much older than me!"**

**"Keep telling yourself that, Grey-haired junkie."**

**"Why you little-!" Noises of Zhong Hui getting thrown around and hit and he makes noises that sound like he was being choked. Zhong Hui shifts his eye to another direction as he shuts the recording off. **

**"Excuse me... I guess we're done. Bye." He floats off, but Sima Yi stops him.**

**"Can you help me drag some of these people back?"**

**"...Fine." He has arms coming out of him to grab and drag people out of rubble. Sima Yi picks up Sima Zhao and tosses him to Kaguya.**

**"Take him. You two are best friends, after all." He picks up Sima Shi and drags him. **

* * *

**Sima Yi tosses Sima Shi off and walks into the personal chamber area. Behind him is Kaguya, who just tossed Sima Zhao on top of Sima Shi. Zhong Hui came in after and throws everyone else on top of them to float off. **

**"I got my truth. What am I supposed to do now, Kaguya?" **

**"Hm? Well, that's up to you. You completed your job, thus you have the right to go home." **

**"Is that right?"**

**"Unless you want to stay here... Sure..." Sima Yi opens a door and enters it. He goes through drawers and closets by throwing many random garments around. Kaguya says to him,"I think this is your future wife's room... Are you panty hunting? Ugh! What are you, fifteen?"**

**"No! I know she has something that I want back. Where is it...? Ah! There it is!" Sima Yi takes out purple robes out from a closet.**

**"...You wanted your old clothes back...?"**

**"Yes! These are one of a kind! Luckily, Chunhua is a hoarder. Sort of. I'm overexaggerating." SimaYi stands with the robes and stares at Kaguya.**

**"I'd like it if you would... give me some privacy..." Kaguya gets shooed out of the room and after a few seconds, Sima Yi walks out of the room with his original outfit. Yes, including hat. Kaguya adds,"Don't you need to change... undergarments?"**

**"Don't ruin the moment for me."**

**"Why did you want the hat back?"**

**"Shut up." Sima Yi rips off his skull mask off and takes a deep breath.**

**"Haaa... I kept smelling copper and steel through that thing... Alright, let's go."**

**"Where to?"**

**"To six years ago."**

**"What? Wait, I thought-"**

**"I am not going to sit by and let myself become that thing earlier! I had white hair and scales, damn it!"**

**"It was only a little tuft of white hair!"**

**"That was shaped into an emo bang!"**

**"...Oh well... I suppose it is good you want to change the future. Don't you want to say goodbye?"**

**"To whom?"**

**"I don't know..."**

**"...Okay, fine. They will cease to exist once I go back." **

**Sima Yi goes back to the main entrance to see the unconscious party shift around. He kneels down to see look at Sima Zhao and Sima Shi.**

**"Hello, you two. You tried to kill me earlier, so I am going to make sure your present selves will take a dip in the lake." The two barely open their eyes and see Sima Yi in their blurred vision.**

**"Oh, I died... I guess this is Hell?" **

**"No way... If this is Hell, Father would be be impaled on stakes and be skin and bones."**

**"...What's your idea of Hell...? Come on." He pulls them out from under the human pile. **

**"Oh, it's just Uncle." said Sima Shi. Sima Yi frowns and slaps him the face. "Do not confuse me for your uncle again or else I will confuse you for Zhao."**

**"What the hell is this? Aren't you-" **

**"LOOK. Alright, Shi has one eye, so it's understandable."**

**"I don't see anything." **

**"Me either."**

**"Forget it... I'll find her myself." Sima Yi walks off and goes through the infirmary. He bumps into Wang Yuanji and she is taken back by surprise.**

**"What? Why are you still here? I thought you are... I don't mean to sound rude here."**

**"I know I said I wasn't going to come back, but I just want to properly say goodbye to you and my two sons. That ARE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO MY FACE."**

**"Sorry to hear that. They are just so used to not seeing you after so long."**

**"Oh well, I will say goodbye to you once I find Chunhua."**

**"Oh... Uh... She's not around."**

**"Where is she?"**

**"I don't know."**

**"Don't beat around the bush. She died? Of what?"**

**"She's not dead... Just... not herself. Do you still want to see her?" **

**"Yes." He follows Wang Yuanji's lead to a room whose doorway was covered in pictures of a certain pale faced man. **

**"... Why are there pictures of Jia Chong plastered all around the door...?"**

**"I hate to exploit his image like this, may Heaven rest his soul if he had one."**

**"And...?"**

**"Oh right. The only conclusion we could come up with was demon possession. Jia Chong's picture would scare away anymore demons that would come and infect the lady."**

**"Are you sure...? Are you sure she isn't having a fever or is pregnant?"**

**"Okay, Sima Yi. I think you crossed a line here. That's not how the female body works, first of all."**

**"Just let me see her." Wang Yuanji opens the door to let Sima Yi in to have him see a giant black cage that took up the whole room.**

**"I'm sorry. Are you keeping an animal or a person?"**

**"Look, she started to have these unusual seizures and tried to choke me. I think she has rabies."**

**"First you said demon possession, now rabies...? Are you sure you're not talking about a human being here...? And are you a certified doctor to even make that conclusion?"**

**"...Well... I'm sorry! This is just so weird. One moment she is siting there being completely calm and the next moment, she turns into this beast."**

**"Are you sure it's not just her on her period?"**

**"You should not be talking about periods since you're a man. You have no idea what it is like." **

**"Fine, fine." Kaguya whispers though his ear without Wang Yuanji seeing her when she appeared. **

**"I think this is the insanity ailment Orochi Sima Yi was talking about."**

**"Is that right...?" Sima Yi goes over to the cage and lifts up the black cover. He quickly throws it back over and backs away.  
**

**"I don't need to see that... Is this the parasite he was talking about?" **

**"It seems that it has claimed its first victim. I am so sorry about her..." **

**"It's fine. I unfortunately do not harbor any actual sadness though..."**

**"Why...?"**

**"I know, I know... But... Eh... She is not going to exist anymore, so might as well not get attached."**

**"You are awful."**

**"This isn't my official wife! The official one is back to the timeline you grabbed me out of!"**

**"Right." **

**Wang Yuanji looks over to Sima Yi and sees no one next to him as he was talking to Kaguya.**

**"...Um... Who are you talking to...?"**

**"No one. I'm done here."**

**"I thought you wanted to say goodbye."**

**"She can't hear me. Now, goodbye to you too." Sima Yi walks past Wang Yuanji and heads towards the main entrance room. Right when he steps in, the doors burst open to have a towering figure carrying a large sword slashing up the metal doors up. **

**"What the hell is this?" The towering person looks up to reveal a man's face hidden in his own long beard and hair. His eyes were pure black and is breathing heavily. Sima Yi looks at him and says to himself,"I've seen these symptoms before... When I looked inside the cage, I saw Chunhua under the same conditions-" Kaguya pulls on his arm and drags him away to make the crazed man to slice at a wall. **

**"If that's the case, then this is the insanity parasite Orochi you has talked about!"**

**"Red hair and emperor hate made of bones... I remember this man. This is Sun Quan. But he has succumbed to madness."**

**"Why are you calm at a time like this?!"**

**"Because I can relate to him. I wish I could take a sword one day and cut up everything in a fit of rage. But nooooooooo! I need to set an example for my children and be a respectable father figure."**

**"You are clearly not fit to be one with that kind of attitude! Now run!"**

**"I see how dangerous this illness is now. We have to run outside!" **

**"Already ahead of you!" Kaguya flies out the broken entrance with Sima Yi running after her. A hand grabs Sima Yi's foot, making fall hard on the steps leading outside.**

**"Nrragh!" He feels himself getting pulled back into the bunker, so he grabs and holds onto a step firmly. He turns his head to look down and see Sun Quan growling at him. **

**"Grr! Get away!" **

**"Nnnragh!" Sun Quan lifts his sword to try to cut at his foot, but Sima Yi uses his other foot to kick him in the face to let himself run up the stairs. He gets far away from the bunker and Sun Quan is seen crawling out of the bunker using his sword as his support. He slowly stands up and heads towards Sima Yi, who is yelling at Kaguya to get a portal ready.**

**"What is taking you so long?!" Kaguya slaps her tree branch multiple times and she says to him,"It's not working!"**

**"How in the world does that thing stop working?! I thought supernatural beings could keep using their magical items forever!"**

**"Look, just give me a few moments and I will get us out of here! Grr! Work!" **

**Sun Quan is getting closer to them and Sima yi feels up his body to pull out his sword from earlier. **

**"Huh, I forgot this was in my pocket. Fine, I guess I need to push him back." Sun Quan lunges forward at him with his sword to clash blades with Sima Yi. **

**"Nrrrgh! Nagh! Gah!" Sun Quan wildly swings at Sima Yi, each hit blocked or dodged. **

**"So you've gone insane, is that right? A shame I can't do that..." **

**"Nrragh!"**

**"Right, you're not capable of human speech anymore... Then you won't mind if I do this!" He sweeps his leg into Sun Quan's legs, causing him to fall down. Sima Yi stands over him to lift his sword above his head while putting on a sadistic face.**

**"I finally get to kill someone other than Cao Cao!" He swings downwards to Sun Quan's head, but a large gust of wind hits him, sending him flying away from Sun Quan. **

**"Damn it! Who is it this time?!" Sima Yi lifts his body up to get a look at a tall metal figure with long messy hair. As he gets up, he notices the figure having its visor slide up to reveal eyes with scars near them. It talks in a robotic voice,"As long as I'm alive, you will not claim my master's head."**

**"Oh s*bleep*... The loyal bodyguard... Always this... You do realize he cannot feel anymore, right? He is like a rabid animal now." **

**"How dare you."**

**"Oh, I dare! You're clinging onto a dead man!"**

**"I believe the dead man is you." Zhou Tai's visor slides down over his eyes and he disappears. Kaguya yells at Sima Yi,"Get out of the way! he has the ability to run at the speed of light!"**

**"How fast is that?" **

**Kaguya quickly pulls out her remote-like device and fastly punches in numbers.**

_**'Slow Time' Cheat Activated**_

**Sima Yi sees a dash of wind that slowly had Zhou Tai come into view before him. His hand is on his sword handle about to draw it. Sima Yi then holds up his sword to and braces for the attack, but time is still going slow. Kaguya yells to him,"Only about five more seconds until it wears off!" **

**"Great... Three... two... one-" Zhou Tai's blade hits Sima Yi's. The red sword visibly vibrates as it creates sparks upon Sima Yi's sword. The visor on Zhou Tai's face slides upwards to let his scar-surrounded eyes glare at Sima Yi.**

**"Funny... Aren't you supposed to be dead...?"**

**"So?"**

**"You really let your people down with you 'dying'."**

**"How many times have I been getting that? I'd like for you to be more slice-y slice-y rather than be a judgemental robot."**

**"I see..." The visor slides back over his eyes and Zhou Tai disappears in a flash. In half a second, he appears behind Sima Yi to draw his sword fast and slice at his back. Zhou Tai vanishes again and appears a few feet away as his sword clicks loud in its sheathe. Behind him is Sima Yi groaning loudly with a cut on his back. **

**"Oh no!" Kaguya zips over to Sima Yi while frantically flailing her arms around." I've failed my job! Oh god, I'm going to have my god license revoked after this!" **

**"Arrrgh... That hurt my back... He even ruined my robes." Sima Yi stands straight up while touching the cut in his clothes. "Stitches here will probably wouldn't look that bad..."**

**"Don't scare me like that! If I let you die here, I am in big trouble!"**

**"Uh-huh. You can go fix your bamboo thing and let me finish my thing with Robo-Tai there." Zhou Tai turns around to see Sima Yi still standing. **

**"Impossible. How could you survive that?"**

**"Ah... I kept my alien armor under this. Haha! Take that!" Zhou Tai is about to draw his sword where he is standing, but he freezes in his position. His body makes sparking noises and suddenly splits in half at his torso. A mix of blood and oil spills out as Zhou Tai groans in pain.**

**"...Grgh... Why...?" His two parts fall onto the ground as Sun Quan walks over the split body towards Sima Yi.**

**"Hrragh... Nrrgh... Naah..." **

**"Alright, you want some more pain." He puts himself in an offensive position with his sword as Sun Quan slowly approaches him. Sima Yi groans annoyedly and rushes up to stab him in the chest. **

**"Hahahaha! I get to kill someone!" He twists the sword, drawing out pained yells from Sun Quan. **

**"Hurts, doesn't it? Heheheh!" Sima Yi lifts his foot to kick Sun Quan away from him, letting him slide off his sword followed by blood spewing out. Sun Quan stumbles backwards and falls down onto the round, with a pool of blood under him. **

**"That's that." Sima Yi turns to walk up to Kaguya to see she was still hitting her bamboo branch to make it light up and dim down.**

**"Still not working?"**

**"This thing isn't working! I think it's out of energy!"**

**"How could a piece of tree run out of energy?!"**

**"Luckily, it runs on any plant matter. I just need to set in this plain of dead... grass... I can't use dead matter."**

**"There are trees around here. You are can do something with those, right?"**

**"Well... It takes a while... You can hold your own here, right? I just need an hour for this to charge up." **

**"AN HOUR?!"**

**"Nothing is going after you, so it's fine." The two stand still for a moment to feel the ground below them shake. **

**"I'm going to now!" Kaguya flies away, leaving Sima Yi to fall down from the strong vibrations in the ground. Sima Yi looks forward as he holds onto the ground to see a cloud of dust being kicked up in the distance. **

**"It must be Sun Quan's minions..." He looks to towards where the underground bunker is and hears loud booming footsteps coming from it. **

**"And everyone else is coming here... Great..." Kaguya yells loudly to him,"Don't worry! It is just in time where I have to pause time again!" **

**"Cool... As if that will help me..."**


	9. Did I just turn this into a shonen?

**Warriors came from the horizon, while warriors ran out of the bunker. Sima Yi holds onto the ground as the ground shakes below him. **

**"What's the occasion here?" The warriors that were coming from beyond the distance stop near Sun Quan's corpse and the ones in front looked at the body with widen eyes. The warriors that came out of the bunker stood across from them and are just as shocked at the body on the ground. **

**"Who did this...?" **

**Sima Yi slowly gets up from the ground and is quietly backs away from the two groups. He watches the front of the group to the left have a single rowdy man get out of the formation and yell at the other side,"They could have killed Sun Quan! Only them!" Zhou Yu holds him back and says,"We cannot come to such premature conclusions, Gan Ning. let us ask these people directly." He asks to the group on the right. "Did you kill our leader?" On the right side, Xiahou Dun steps forward and says,"We did not. We had just came out here." **

**"Ah, Xiahou Dun. Been awhile since I saw you."**

**"I don't remember you, but I heard of you. The Handsome Zhao Yun, isn't it?"**

**"...It's Zhou Yu."**

**"Oh. Silly me."**

**"Are you sure you didn't kill Sun Quan?"**

**"Yes. We came out at the same time your people came stomping all over the place."**

**Sima Yi continues to back away to avoid confrontation, but Kaguya, who was sitting in a tree with her bamboo branch stuck into the trunk next to her, shoots a small bolt under his feet to create a giant log. The log causes Sima Yi to trip and fall backwards onto the ground.  
**

**"OOF!" He covers his mouth realizing his mistake. Everyone looks over to him and Xiahou Dun points with widen eyes,"What the...? Why the hell are you alive?!" Zhou Yu raises an eyebrow and looks at him confusedly.**

**"...Who is that?"**

**"That man over there is, at least I think, the late Sima Yi."**

**"Oh, Sima Yi. I don't know what he looked like, I just know he was someone that Zhuge Liang hated."**

**"He's right there! Despite being dead!" Sima Yi tries to pretend nothing happened by getting up quickly and running away, but his feet get wrapped in wires making him fall down on his face and is dragged with his face scraping the ground. Once he looks back up, he sees Zhong Hui floating above him with tiny hatches open around him where the wires came out of.**

**"Oh. I thought... Nevermind. "**

**"Well, well, look who decided to come back from the dead. You've made a lot of noise around here. I knew there was something fishy about you!"**

**"Wait, what?"**

**"The voice, and sarcasm should have given a clue! How was I so stupid to not notice?!"**

**"Because you're a robot?"**

**"Robots are smart!"**

**"Robots that used to be idiotic humans are not." **

**"I wasn't an idiot!"**

**"Yes, before you decided to rebel against my sons. Back then, you were pretty intelligent. I'm willing to admit that." **

**"...Shut it.****" **

**Everyone starts to surround Sima Yi as he was on the ground. Sima Yi feels eyes staring at him and he says meekly,"So... How are we all doing?" The group around him suddenly erupts into yelling and mixed complaints towards Sima Yi. Outside of that group, the other group filled with warriors from former Wu looks on with confused looks.**

**"Hello? What about our dead leader here?" **

**Sima Yi lets himself be bombarded with shouts from former Wei warriors. **

**"All this time you were waltzing around the world, we were fending off ugly aliens and dying out here!"**

**"Well... I can't explain-"**

**"Bull*bleep*!" **

**"Would it make you guys feel better if I said I killed Sun Quan?" **

**"WHAT?"**

**"You've created a war then!"**

**"Great, you come back and create more chaos!" **

**"What's going on over there?" asked Zhou Yu and he gets a unison voice yelling "NOTHING!". **

**Sima Yi gets pulled off to the side by Sima Shi and Sima Zhao and they talk to him in hushed whispers.**

**"What the hell? Why didn't you contact us if you were still alive?!"**

**"I was actually sad when you died! Now I take back that sadness!"**

**(You two didn't even believe me back when I was out of my disguise.) "I'm sorry. But I am a completely different Sima Yi. Your Sima Yi died."**

**"Wait... How the hell do you exist then?" asked Sima Zhao.**

**"Come on, do you not remember your old mystic girl friend?"**

**"I had a mystic girlfriend?"**

**"Kaguya?"**

**"Oh! Her! Yeah! Wait! She wasn't my girl friend! It has been forever since I've seen her."**

**"How come you always get all the women while I get stuck with these?" Sima Shi holds up dirt-covered booklets with his image being embraced by either Wen Yang, Jiang Wei, Zhong Hui, or Sima Zhao on the cover. **

**"I'm being made with my own brother in these things! This is unfair!" **

**"Because he's-Oh nevermind. He's just more likable than you to the audience." responded Sima Yi. "And why do you have those things?"**

**"To make a point during conversations like these. I hate carrying them around, trust me."**

**"I can really see you didn't bother caring for those things."**

**"These are good kindling, you know. It is very nice paper. Unfortunately, these papers didn't get to decide what was going to be printed on it. Oh well." Sima Shi tosses the booklets over his shoulder. **

**"Now if you're not our father technically, who are you?"**

**"The past Sima Yi according to Kaguya..."**

**"If that's the case, you should just go back in time and fix your mistake of leaving your family behind, you deadbeat."**

**"Deadbeat?!"**

**"Yeah, you didn't even bother paying child support for Mother after you were gone." said Sima Zhao.**

**"I was gone! How the hell am I supposed to send money-Wait a minute. Who inherited the family fortune?"**

**"Shi did since he was the eldest and Mother couldn't because she could to jail if she just took your fortune."**

**"What happened to it?" Sima Shi looks off with uneasy eyes and looking all around except at Sima Yi. Sima Yi looks at him and asks slowly,"What happened to the money?"**

**"I... Look, since I was hastily made the lead strategist in Cao Cao's army after you "died", it was hard to fit nice and snug with the environment... I... might have... Bribed some people-"**

**"Oh, come on! I hate this future's me now! And I killed him! Now I killed Sun Quan! Do I need to kill you?!"**

**"Wait, what?" The two looked at Sima Yi with narrowed eyes. Sima Yi grits his teeth, realizing what came out of his mouth.**

**"You killed our time's Sima Yi?"**

**"And you killed Sun Quan?!"**

**"You will cause a war here!" Sima Shi pulls Sima Yi close near him and Sima Zhao. He whispers angrily to him,"Why did you that? Or at least convinced him to return here so that we get some hope to this hellhole?!"**

**"He wanted to die, you know. I tried, but I simply gave him what he wanted."**

**"Really...?" **

**Xiahou Dun taps Sima Yi on the shoulder and he turns around to see him gritting his teeth and looking behind him.**

**"You just yelled out you killed... Sun Quan... To them..."**

**"They heard?!"**

**"Of course! You were f*bleep*ing yelling that out for all of us to hear!" Xiahou Dun turns to see Zhou Yu pale with his mouth open in shock.**

**"You just killed the last Sun..." He gets a hit to the temple from an enraged Sun Shang Xiang. **

**"You forgot me, dummy!"**

**"You didn't let me finish! Patriarch! The last Sun patriarch was killed by that stupid hat over there!" Gan Ning yells out at him while raising a large laser sword,"Can I kill him?" **

**"No! We have to settle this like-" **

**"I'll kill him!" Sun Shang Xiang takes out laser versions of her chakrams and charges towards Sima Yi. He sees her coming and tries to draw his sword, but it got stuck in its sheathe. **

**"No! Agh! Get out of there!" He pulls on his sword as Sun Shang Xiang runs towards him with anger in her eyes. **

**"You will pay for Quan's death!" Sima Yi jerks the sword upwards with great power. Suddenly, the sword is out of its sheathe and a loud crack sound is heard. **

**"Oh crap..." Sima Yi's sword now has another body on it, much to his dismay. He shakes his sword, flinging the body off, enraging the Wu people. Zhou Yu makes a blank face with narrowed eyes as he takes out his staff to let it become electrified on both ends. **

**"We can kill him now." Gan Ning eagerly holds up his sword and lets out a battle cry. **

**"Yeeeeeah! Kill the bastard hat!" He charges towards Sima Yi along with everyone in the Wu group. Sima Shi and Sima Zhao pull Sima Yi to make him run away from the angry mob.**

**"Why isn't everyone helping out?!" **

**"They don't want to be involved, duh! This is your problem!" **

**"Why are you two helping me then?"**

**"Well, if we let them kill you, wouldn't it disrupt time itself?" said Sima Zhao. Sima Yi looks at him with complete shock on his face.**

**"You understand the concept of time?!"**

**"You dick! Of course I do! Kaguya did teach me that!" **

** "Enough bickering! We have to get away from those people!" The three continue to run through the land with angry Wu warriors chasing behind them. **

**"What's that noise?" A loud whirring noise is heard above them and they look up to see a giant mech coming down towards where they were running. **

**"What's that?!" **

**"Who cares?! Let that thing crash onto those guys!" As the mech got closer to the ground, Sima Yi sees some other figures flying around the mech. Sima Shi looks up and yells,"Those are aliens! Keep running!" **

**"Can't we kill them?"**

**"We don't have any guns! It is impossible to get to those things without one!" The mech falls faster towards them, but it crashes after the three kept running fast enough to let the mech hit the ground behind them. The flying machines fly lower near the three. The hovercrafts with their alien drivers, shoot laser shots at them. **

**"How do we even get rid of those things?"**

**"Again, we need some kind of projectile weapon." **

**"Do either of you have any?"**

**"I don't think so..." Sima Yi hears a faint whisper in his head.**

**_Deus Ex Machina... _**

**Behind him, Zhou Yu and Lu Xun use hold up their weapons to shoot fireballs and sparks at the flying hovercraft, causing them to explode. The gatling gun of one destroyed hovercraft falls down ahead of the path the trio were running on.**

**"There! We can use that!" **

**"Are you sure you can pick that giant thing up...?" **

**"You underestimate me." Sima Yi stops by the gun and picks it up thanks to his 'Warrior's Spirit' cheat being still activated. He feels around it looking for a trigger. His fingers find a small knob near the top of the gun that used to be part of a hovercraft control panel and pushes it. The gun comes to life and begins to shoot large bursts of energy shots at anything before him. The shots tear through everything and destroyed all alien aliencraft. The Wu warriors put up shields to protect themselves from the energy bullets. Using this as an distraction, Sima Yi throws off the gun and runs away along with Sima shi and Sima Zhao following behind him. They run until they were in the middle of nowhere where only dead grass and crumbled stone exists. **

**"They won't be able to find us out here."**

**"So, what will you do now?" asked Sima Zhao to Sima Yi.**

**"I plan to go back home."**

**"And let this happen?"**

**"No, I will make sure this doesn't happen."**

**"Change the future? I guess that is what I'd do too. Wonder if Kaguya remembers me..." **

**"If you go to do that, you will no longer exist."**

**"I'm willing to sacrifice that."**

**"I would, as well. This world isn't going to last very long anyway." added Sima Hi.**

**"Hm? I thought you two were doing well here."**

**"Hmph. Being in danger every time you leave your safehouse and having to always keep your eye out? No thank you. Even it means I have to die, I am willing to create a new future."**

**"Change the word "future" with "destiny", and you are the same Shi that I knew back then."**

**"Hopefully, the new me will turn out who you'd want in a son. I don't know about Zhao." Sima Zhao makes an annoyed expression and was about to say something, but Sima Yi stops him.**

**"It doesn't really matter to me anymore. I would rather have you two's original personalities than you getting new ones." Nu Wa makes a comment through his head.**

_**Uh-huh... I remember you wanted your eldest to be a little more "interesting".**_

_**Shut it, I'm trying to create a touching moment here. I never do that.**_

**"A shame Mother had to die before this. I think she would have loved for you to say those words."**

**"Oh... She's dead?"**

**"Well, you killed my father, so might as well tell you your wife died."**

**"Oh.. That's sad..." **

**"She did want me to give this to you." Sima Shi holds out a piece of wrinkled paper to Sima Yi. He takes it and unfolds it to find nothing on the paper.**

**"Even in death, she still tries to humor me." Sima Shi looks at the paper and looks at Sima Yi confusedly.**

**"This says nothing."**

**"I guess she couldn't write under the state of insanity. Huff..." He takes out a pipe and wraps it in that paper to then put it away. "Where is Kaguya...? I need her now." A bright light flashes in his eyes to have Kaguya appear before him.**

**"There you are! I've been looking all over for you! Don't just wander off!"**

**"What are you, my mother?"**

**"Ugh... Well, I've got my bamboo branch charged up and ready to go. You ready?"**

**"Yes. Take me to Eight years ago." **

**"Nine years? I thought it was six."**

**"There is something I realized a while ago when I thought of Orochi Me. I haven't the slightest clue what it is, my memory's fuzzy. Going back an extra three years would work."**

**"If you say so..." Sima Zhao greets Kaguya casually,"Hey! Good to see you! How long has it been?"**

**"Oh... You... Um... "**

**"I can't believe you! You entrusted the fate of the world to me, remember?"**

**"Along with Hanbei and Ma Chao. But now, you aren't the star of the show now."**

**"Can I come along?"**

**"No. I can't take other people. Sima Yi, let's go." Kaguya floats near Sima Yi and has her bamboo branch shine a bright light around them. As they were about to disappear, Sima Yi says a few last words to the future Sima Shi and Sima Zhao.**

**"You two may cease to exist soon, but I am sure we will see each other again. In a new future, hopefully."**

**"Farewell, Father. I will be looking forward to that." **

**"Goodbye, Sima Yi. The new future is in your hands, so don't mess it up." Sima Yi doesn't get angry at Sima Zhao, but gives him a genuine smile and says,"You're an adult by now and will be soon be gone, so I'll let that pass here. Farewell, you two." **

**"Wait." Sima Shi removes his mask off his scarred eye and tosses it to Sima Yi. "I won't be needing that since I'm going to die soon, right? Zhao, you should throw in something." **

**"Alright." Sima Zhao is putting his hand near his nose and plucks something. A boot makes its way into his face. **

**"Give him something less disgusting!" **

**"Less disgusting than giving him your infected mask?!"**

**"It's not infected! My eye's been like this since forever!" Sima Zhao sighs and tears a piece of cloth from his ragged cloak and gives it to Sima Yi.**

**"This is all I could give you, sorry."**

**"That's fine. Now, farewell, you two. May we see each other again in the new future." ****The light covers him and finally vanishes from sight.**

* * *

**Somewhere, the light drops Sima Yi and Kaguya in a strange room.**

**"This doesn't look like any building I've seen before..."**

**"Really? Maybe the darkness is messing with your eyesight." **

**This room is dark, lit by a single light bulb hanging above on the ceiling. The light allows some items to be made out such as a simple bed on one end of the room, a bookshelf a few feet away from it, and a desk next to it. A looming figure sat in front of a glaring screen with another being towering over it. It speaks eerily towards the hunched over figure.**

**"Come on... Give me some of that stuff... Just one story... Just one story of butt touching and kissing and butt stuff..." Sima Yi whispers to Kaguya,"I don't think we're in the right place..."**

**"...We don't know that..." The hunched over figure sitting in a chair starts to mutter, ignoring the shadowy figure over it. **

**"I've already got human flamethrowers down... A walking Portal reference... A Terminator... A Deus Ex Machina thing... Even Legend of Zelda... Did I do anything Skyrim...? No? Fallout...?" The shadowy being wiggles its fingers at that figure. **

**"Forget that stuff... Make a story that will actually get traffic... No one wants comedy... Why do you think people come here? They want two handsome men doing sexy things to each other... Just one will set you up for life."**

**"No..." grumbled the hunched over figure. "Get out of my house..." **

**"Not until you write up a-GWAGH!" A chair hits the shadow and it falls onto the ground. The single light in the room shines on its face to show a person, but with no eyes. At where the eyes are supposed to be, it was "FanFiction. Net " written over it. The hunched over figure stands up straight to go pick up the chair from the ground and uses it to bash in the unknown person's face in. The person shrivels up and turns into dust to blow away out a window nearby. The now straightened figure deeply sighs and calmly sets its chair back in front of the glaring screen. **

**Sima Yi whispers to Kaguya again,"This isn't where we were supposed to go... Let's hurry up and go." The lights suddenly turn on to reveal a room that was brightly lit. **

**"What the-?" **

**A voice speaking in a foreign language is heard loudly from a door in the room. The figure speaks the same language back at the voice. The chair shifts back to have a person stand up straight. It turns around to see Sima Yi and Kaguya standing there. Time stops for a series of words show up in the screen followed by a typing sound effect.**

**Name: *Classified* AKA Insertmanyfandomshere**

**Gender: Female**

**Age: *Classified***

**Former anime otaku**

**Sorta**

**Sorta video game otaku**

***Classified* Student**

**Status: Bored as FUCK**

**"The hell...? What is this-"**

**"You saw nothing!" ****Kaguya quickly covers Sima Yi's eyes and makes the two of them disappear in a flash of light. The female shrugs and takes out an orange prescription bottle labeled "Inspiration". She empties the pills inside into her mouth and she goes over to her computer. **

**"Alright! What other crap am I going to pull out of my head today?!"**

* * *

**Sima Yi is now floating in the middle of a white screen while Kaguya is floating next to him.**

**"Who was that?"**

**"No one you needed to know."**

**"Really? Who was it?"**

**"None of your business. Forget that you ever saw anything." She shoots a beam at his face and Sima Yi looks off with a blank expression before returning to normal to say,"Where are we going?**

**"I just need to get the coordinates right, that's all." **

* * *

**The two suddenly appear in the middle of clouds surrounded by beautiful mystic women that are also naked. The clouds conveniently censored what was needed to be covered. Sima Yi attempts to keep on a straight face while his cheeks are turning bright red. **

**"Love it."  
**

**"Hate it." Kaguya frowns as she makes herself and Sima Yi disappear from that place. **

* * *

**They are now standing in another group of clouds filled with handsome mystic men that were naked. **

** Kaguya sighs dreamily,"Love it."**

**"Hate it." Sima Yi frowns and touches the bamboo branch to make the two disappear again.**

* * *

**Nu Wa is sitting in a white tub with steam surrounding her and censoring her cleavage. **

**"Haaa... This is the life... Hm?" She looks up and a with a loud poof, Sima Yi falls into the tub with Kaguya managing to float above the water. Sima Yi sticks his head out of the tub, spitting out water. Nu Wa covers her chest and yells angrily at him,"Why the hell are you here?! I never gave you admission to be in here-Oh my god, are you dead? Kaguya! Why is he dead?!"**

**"I'm not dead!"**

** Kaguya says nervously,"We just took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, that's all." **

**"There is no Albuquerque here!"**

**"I can't seem to get us to the right place. It keeps sending us to areas in Heaven."**

**"I accidentally saw one of those men's penises... But after seeing one of those women's breasts, it balances out," quietly mumbled Sima Yi. Kaguya pulls him out of the tub by the collar and apologizes to Nu Wa before disappearing again.**

* * *

**Human soldiers clash swords with demon minions all over a dusty and dark battlefield. Far from the battlefield, Kaguya appears with Sima Yi.**

**"Here you go, Sima Yi. You wanted to go back to... Back when I didn't exist, apparently."**

**"A shame it couldn't stay that way."**

**"I will ignore that and let you carry out what you have in store."**

**"There he is." Sima Yi points to a castle in the background of the all of the fighting where a purple clad man with his same exact face and similar stupid hat. **

**"God, I look so low-resolution here... You couldn't even see my pores, I was just a smoothed-over freak of nature."**

**"Isn't that what you are now?"**

**"...Anyway, I have to take care of him."**

**"Kill him?! Do you know what will happen to you?!"**

**"He is the root of all of this. Kill him and the future can be reset."**

**"Are you stupid?! You will die! What part of that don't you understand?!"**

**"Quit your nagging! I already know what will happen to me!"**

**"Huh...?"**

**Sima Yi crosses his arms and looks over to the castle at his old self.**

**"By destroying this me, I could destroy that timeline I went through."**

**"...But you would die in the process..."**

**"I'm already prepared for that. From the very moment I killed that Orochi me, my fate was sealed. Along with killing a few others, but they don't matter right now."**

**"What will become of you then?"**

**"I don't know. Maybe this is the concept Nu Wa wanted me to learn."**

**"She never said to kill yourself."**

**"You said I was to wander time until I saw to my crimes. And how did I punish crime? Execution. I am to use my own method of punishment on myself."**

**"Are you sure you want to do this?"**

**"Farewell, Kagura."**

**"My name isn't-" Sima Yi ignores her and begins to walk towards the castle along with the major battles around it, the DW5 Sima Yi being in his sights. An army of demons cut through human soldiers and see him. They charge towards him without hesitation with swords ready and yelling. Sima Yi removes his sword off his hip and unsheathes it to throw off the sheathe to the ground. He grips the sword firmly and swings hard at the demons. They crumple down, letting Sima Yi to continue walking. More demons charge towards him, but they get cut down immediately by him. Demon warriors continue to run in Sima Yi's way on an attempt on his life, but they are always cut apart. **

**"Damn things getting in my way..." muttered Sima Yi as he slices a demon as he was walking. "They are just running to their deaths..." He constantly cuts down demons, getting a bit more furious after each ten he has killed. **

**"Where are those peons?" Sima Yi looks around him as he stabs another demon to see there were no human soldiers in the giant mass of demon warriors. **

**"Damn, they were killed. No wonder Orochi easily took the world at this time." **

**"Hrrragh!" Another demon is stabbed in the head. Another is cut in half. Another is sliced through the eyes. Sima Yi finds himself completely surrounded by demons and is killing at a more faster rate as more demons continue to confront him. He lets out a deep breath before charging towards the huge mass while yelling out.**

* * *

**I'm probably the very first DW fanfiction writer to depict Sima Yi as a typical shonen hero. Not sure about badass. **

**Don't do drugs to enhance your writing. Also, I don't do drugs. **

**I know, the plot got out of hand. Just forget the logic and just enjoy Sima Yi being really out of character.**


	10. Haha, there is no sequel

**"Where did all of these things come from?!" Sima Yi looks up to see his DW5 self is giving him his signature evil smirk behind his big black fan. He points his fan out and yells out in his hilariously horrible voice,"Obliterate that fool! What is Orochi paying you measly beings for?!" Sima Yi grits his teeth in embarrassment as he slices another demon.**

**"Now I really want to kill him...! Hrrragh!" Sima Yi swings with all of his might to clear away a path towards the castle. Blood splatters everywhere and onto him, but he doesn't even bat an eye to it. A demon catches him off-guard and lands a cut on his right cheek, drawing blood. Sima Yi is unfazed and kills that one demon to cut down more demons behind it. Swords hit him on all sides, but they only make cuts all over his robes. A sword hits his hat, knocking it off, and he ignores it completely. After withstanding a few attacks and cutting through a large amount of demons, Sima Yi is covered in blood and thin cuts over his body with his hair hanging down messily. He heavily pants with every strike he makes, ignoring his fatigue. **

**"Huff... Huff... Huff... HRRRRAGH!" He makes one hard swing that kills demons in a large semi circle. A path has been cleared and Sima Yi runs through the new route, but to be quickly blocked off by more demons.**

**"OUT. OF. THE. WAY!" Sima Yi stabs a demon and swings his sword around with the demon still on the blade. He then slams the sword along with the demon corpse onto a group of demons, creating a large splatter of demon bits of gore. His eyes turn bright red with ferocity as he swings his sword with incredible strength and speed. **

**More demons continue to block off any route Sima Yi could take to the castle. Sima Yi jumps and kicks a demon away and cuts at a few demons ahead. **

**"Ugggh... There are too many... How the hell are there that many demons...?" His vision starts to blur with blood dripping down to his eyes. He tries to lift his sword, but he weakly stabs it into the ground and supports himself onto it. **

**The demons throw taunts at him as they form a circle surrounding him. Sima Yi looks up and makes out two dark figures above the castle wall. His vision clears enough to fully see Orochi looking down on him with DW5 Sima Yi with him.**

**"Urrrhh... I can't keep going... Hopefully, I get points for dying like this..." He collapses towards the ground, but his arms keeps him above the ground a little as demons yell out as they charge from all around towards the tired Sima Yi.**

**Suddenly, a blast of gore from behind the demon army tears though and approaches the center where Sima Yi kneeled. The mass of demons are scattered all over when random areas were producing dead demons. **

**"What the hell...?" Sima Yi supports himself up and lifts his head to look around to see the demon army getting wrecked. **

**"I've never seen you with a face of hopelessness. That is a scary concept for me, you know." **

**A hand extends to Sima Yi. Sima Yi looks up to see Kaguya floating next to a familiar woman. Her grey streaked brown hair flutters in the wind as she says,"I never believed you back then when you talked about a time traveling little girl-" **

**"WOMAN." Kaguya interrupted. **

**"...Woman. Now I believe now you weren't going insane." **

**"Chunhua...? Wait... I thought Kaguya wasn't allowed to take people from their universes." **

**Kaguya smiles at him and says,"You honestly think Nu Wa is going to let her errand b-I mean-a valuable member of society die in a place like this?"**

**"I thought it would-"**

**"I feel like you're complaining here."**

**"No... I'm just a little confused."**

**"I grabbed Zhang Chunhua here a few months BEFORE she got sick with insanity and died." **

**"Alright..." Sima Yi stands up and is facing Zhang Chunhua.**

**"So, what are you going to do here?"**

**"Well, you were almost going to die in a way I'd never see you die in."**

**"What did you expect me to die of?"**

**"Execution on the grounds of treason, murdered, everything else except die a hero's death. I never thought I'd call YOU a hero."**

**"Did you come to just insult me or for something else?"**

**"No, I came to assist you. Along with everyone else who would benefit from your existence. Meaning, everyone in Wei."**

**"Aw, that's so sweet of you. Did you come up with the idea yourself?"**

**"No, it was the little girl-I mean- the mystic woman there."**

**"Kaguya?" Sima Yi turns to Kaguya,"You did this?"**

**"Well, Nu Wa wouldn't like it when her errand bo-I mean-an invaluable member of society were to die such a gruesome death."**

**"I don't believe that, but I appreciate that you tried. Are Shi and Zhao here?" **

**"Why yes, everyone is here. Look."**

**Around the castle, demons are being wiped out by single warriors scattered throughout. Near Sima Yi, demons get thrown around as Sima Shi and Sima Zhao break through the groups of demons and approach him.**

**"You were right, we were going to see each other again!"**

**"You look awful. Did you actually fight?"**

**"Me fighting is a foreign concept to you?"  
**

**"Yes! You normally sat on your ass while spouting orders." **

**"Alright, let's not get too comfortable here." Sima Yi looks at the ground to find his sword, but it was gone.**

**"Looking for this?" Kaguya flats next to him holding the glowing sword. **

**"Oh, thank you."**

**"Are you comfortable with this blade?"**

**"Well... Not what I'm used to-"**

**"Good. Because this is just a sword painted with glow paint. No special enhancements are on this. You won't want to use this piece of rubbish." **

**"Then what am I supposed to use?"**

**"Go ask your spouse. She has a gift for you from the future." Sima Yi goes over to Zhang Chunhua and she holds out a rusty sword.**

**"Is this...?"**

**"Yes, the sword that sat there gathering dust in your office. I figured you would be the most comfortable with this." **

**"You kept this all this time after your Sima Yi died?"**

**"Technically, that Sima Yi is you, but yes."**

**"Huh... When I get back to my proper time, I am going to treat you like an actual human being." He receives his old sword from her and Kaguya interrupts their interaction.**

**"Sorry, but please notice how Orochi and past you are escaping."**

**"Really? Then... Damn, how do we get up there in time?" Sima Shi tells him,"Don't worry. We can improvise." Sima Zhao adds,"The others are wiping out enough demons to let us do our thing. Let's go." **

**Sima Yi turns to Zhang Chunhua and Kaguya and asks,"Any of you coming as well?"**

**"Sorry, you already got enough power to finish this. I will see you when you come back ALIVE for once."**

**"I'm just a spectator. I will be watching your performance. Good day." Kaguya vanishes, leaving Sima Yi to follow Sima Shi and Sima Zhao who are leading him across the demons corpses towards Xiahou Dun, Cao Pi, and Xu Huang still looking like they were back in the future.**

**"What are they doing here?" _Is Xu Huang still that weird me? I'm not sure-_**

**Xu huang whoops at Sima Yi and yells at hi,"Yeah! Kick Orochi's ass! Along with your nerdy self! Maybe I will get a better universe to live in!"**

_**Nevermind. That's the weird me. **_

**Xiahou Dun sighs and mutters,"I wish I could go up there, but... Oh well, the future rests on you three, so, let's get this over with." He along with Xu huang and Cao Pi, folded their hands and leaned forward with their hands hanging below them. **

**"Hop on." **

**"Alright!" **

**Sima Yi, Sima Shi, and Sima Zhao run towards the three and jumped into their folded hands with one foot. The three human stepladders strain themselves hard while gritting their teeth and grunting.**

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" They shouted as they push the three Simas up into the air and up towards the castle wall. All three land on the top of the wall and gave the three down their thanks. **

**"That me's getting away!" Sima Yi runs after his DW5 self that was climbing down the wall and within the castle yard. Sima Shi and Sima Zhao follow after him. **

**The DW5 Sima Yi yells as he runs away,"Get away from me!"**

**"Come here! I just want to talk!"**

**"Liar!" DW5 Sima Yi busts open a door and runs into the castle's interior. Sima Yi follows him through the broken door and continues to chase after him. DW5 Sima Yi pants could be heard through the large empty hallway. Sima Yi taunts him,"I was very inactive at this time! You won't last another meter!"**

**"Huff... Huff.. Huff! Shut up!" He makes a turn, and it brings him to a dead end. He feels up the walls to find a door, but it was all wall. Sima Yi catches up to him and takes out his sword. **

**"No where to run!"**

**"Wait! No! Stop!" Sima Yi thrusts his sword right into his DW5 self through the chest, ignoring his pleads. He spits blood and coughs as he grasps Sima Yi's arm.**

**"You've got the wrong man..." Sima Yi withdraws the sword out of DW5 Sima Yi's chest. Dw5 Sima Yi falls back onto his back, with blood poling around him and his chest. His hat falls off to reveal a black ponytail with bangs swept on either side of his face. **

**"Huh? This isn't me. This is just Cao Pi back when he was introduced as Daddy's Little Emperor. Why was he dressed up as me?" **

**"You fool..." A hush whisper echoes within the corridor. "You fell for it..." Black smoke and shadows swirl around the bloody corpse to make it disappear. The smoke then blows over to a distance from Sima Yi to form a humanoid figure. The smoke clears away to reveal a grey-skinned man in purple and black armor wielding a giant scythe. **

**"What the hell?"**

**"Sima Yi, I'm disappointed in you. I thought you were smart. You just killed one of my generals, thinking they were you. Tsk tsk, I thought you knew better."**

**"Wait, who are you now?"**

**"Your old friend, Orochi."**

**"What happened to that nerdy me?"**

**"He's just part of me."**

**"But why do you HIM to be part of you...?"**

**"My combining our intelligence, I can be one step ahead of everyone."**

**"So you were not that smart from the very beginning then?"**

**"What?"**

**"Nothing."**

**"That's right, nothing." In a lightning fast motion, Orochi grabs Sima Yi by the neck and holds him up. **

**"Koff! Kach!"**

**"I know who you really are... Since I can transcend time myself, I know you're here to do away with me." **

**Sima Shi and Sima Zhao finally run to the spot where Sima Yi and Orochi are to see the current situation.**

**"Hey! Put him down!" Orochi chuckles and jumps high to destroy the ceiling above. Sima Shi and Sima Zhao quickly run after him to grab either of his legs and they all are transported outside. They are hovering near the broken castle walls. Orochi kicks one of his legs with Sima Shi clutching onto it.**

**"Get off of me, you insect!"**

**"Let go of him!"**

**"My pleasure!" Orochi chokes Sima Yi a lot harder before he flings him down into the stone rubble below. He makes a strong kicking motion to fling Sima Shi down towards the ground. **

**"Arrrgh!" Orochi looks over to his other leg to see that Sima Zhao stabbed a dagger into his leg. Orochi pulls him off forcefully and throws him to the ground where he had thrown Sima Shi earlier. **

**The three lie in their spots groaning as Orochi floats slowly down to the center of the castle yard.**

**"The apples do not fall far from the tree from what I am witnessing. But I am disappointed in the results." Sima Yi slowly pushes away stone and tries to get up. He finally stands up and reaches down to pick up his sword. Orochi turns to him with a raised eyebrow,"Still have some fight in you? I thought you would roll over and die like a typical dog."**

**"Heh... I usually don't do this kind of work, but I guess this is a special case just for you, 'Lord' Orochi."**

**"You think you can fight me alone?"**

**"I am not alone." Behind Orochi, Sima Shi and Sima Zhao groan as they slowly got up from the ground. They stand up with determination in their eyes, weapons ready.**

**"We are going to die, no matter whether or not we do something here."**

**"So we're just going to use our lives for a greater purpose!" Orochi chuckles that slowly turns into laughing.**

**"Fine! I will play along with you three! Once I kill you, I can start with the other humans outside of these walls!" Before he could finish his monologue, the three Sima-s charge towards him from all sides and attack him. Orochi effortlessly blocks every hit with his scythe and hits the three away from him with one swing. **

**"This is barely a challenge... This cannot all you could do." Orochi said dryly to the three. Sima Yi pants and stands from a safe distance away from Orochi. He thinks to himself.**

_**I usually make plans on attacking, not do the attacking myself...I should implement that knowledge into this fight. But how...? This is close-combat here. Orochi is slow and since that DW me is in him, he has my way of thinking, thus he could predict my every move... Maybe if I could get rid of that giant blade, we may have a chance.**_

**Sima Yi dashes forward to give several slashes at Orochi, getting countered for each one. **

**"Still going, eh?" Behind him, Sima Shi aims his sword towards his head, but Orochi grabs his sword with his free hand and throws him away. Sima Yi Zhao then quickly swings from below, making a cut on Orochi's arm. Orochi ignores the cut and his skin slowly closes the wound. He then gives Sima Zhao a right hook, knocking him away from him. **

_**I should maybe target his legs... He doesn't use them...**_

**Sima Yi dodges a swing from Orochi and slides under between his legs with his sword pointed up. **

_**OOOORR maybe somewhere else... I can't bend backwards enough without hurting my back.**_

**"GGGGGAARH!" Sima Yi gets up from the ground quickly as Orochi clutches his lower area in pain. **

**"You lowly piece of s*bleep*!" Orochi growled at Sima Yi with bloodshot eyes. Sima Yi laughs in his face while yelling back,"You should know by now I don't fight by a warrior code like those Zhang Liao and Xu Huang idiots out there! Hahahahahahaha!"**

**"Grrrragh!" Orochi clutches his scythe angrily, letting his lower area squirt blood. He then charges towards Sima Yi, but Sima Shi and Sima Zhao get in his way by swinging their blades at him.**

**"It's over!" They make two individual slices on Orochi's face, drawing bucket loads of blood. Orochi ignores his wounds and cuts them out of his way, sending them flying off. Sima Yi prepares his sword to clash blades with Orochi. Orochi's face spews blood onto Sima Yi, much to his disgust. **

**_Ignore it, ignore it. I am already covered in demon blood, this is nothing..._**

**Orochi looks at him with gritted teeth and angry eyes as his scythe created sparks on Sima Yi's sword.**

**"Now I will enjoy killing you and feeding you to my demons!"**

**"Too bad, I do not plan to die here." He strains to push forward on his sword as Orochi pushes on his scythe. **

**"Nrrgh...AAAAAAAAAGH!" Sima Yi pushes Orochi back, making him stumble back with blood still spilling out his face and lower body. **

**"Grrr... How...? I was supposed to be stronger!" **

**"You absorbed me, you say? Well, that me is one of the weakest characters next to Zhuge Liang! Right now, you are slowly weakening from him."**

**"What?! No! How are you strong then?"  
**

**"Because twelve years of abuse and being a constant subject of gay art comics have made me built up enough anger that slowly converts into my power! Not to mention me withstanding many acts of domestic abuse from my father and my wife!" **

**"Grrr... This cannot be! No! Get over here!" Orochi, filled with pure rage, charges towards Sima Yi with his scythe ready again. Sima Yi makes a crazy grin as he takes out the black cracked mirror and bashes it into Orochi's face when he gets close to him. **

**"Wrrraaaaaaaagh!" Orochi flies back with his face irritated enough to make his face covered in blood. He lands hard on the ground with his eyes pure white and his mouth open frozen in shock. Sima Yi pants heavily as he lowers the mirror and looks at Orochi's body. Sima Shi and Sima Zhao walks up to him on either side also looking at the body.**

**"He looks like he can't get up now."**

**"We cannot relax yet. He might get up at anytime ready to strike."**

**"Well, at the moment, let us go back to the others." The three turn around to walk out the castle through the gates. **

**Back over to Orochi's body, his hand twitches and balls up into a fist. His eyes blink slowly to have them return to their original eye color. He scowls loudly as he gets up from the ground and wipes away blood. He grabs his scythe off the ground and stands up with a loud grunt. **

**"Not yet, you little bastard..." He storms towards the gates that the three left through earlier. He slices the gates apart and goes through the destroyed gate. **

**Sima Yi sharply turns around to see Orochi just a few meters away from him.**

**"I knew it. You're not done for yet."**

**"Haaaa... I will not... let some pissy purple gay-ass strategist get the best of me!"**

**"Alright, you asked for it." Sima Yi draws his sword once more to charge towards Orochi with him doing the same. Right before Sima Yi or Orochi could hit each other, several cuts make their way all over Orochi along with his scythe shattering in his hands. The Wei future warriors suddenly appear behind Sima Yi with their swords gleaming. Sima Yi then makes the final blow by stabbing Orochi through the chest. But another sword was also stabbing Orochi. **

**On Sima Yi's right, another Sima Yi stood beside him. He was in his DW3 outfit and begins to tell Sima Yi,****"Thank you for clearing up this fiasco. I can go back without anything messing up my future life." **

**Sima Yi turns to him with a surprised look on his face.****"Who... Who are you?! Is this another me?"**

**"Remember that Xu Huang no longer exists now." This Sima Yi grins at him and Sima Yi realizes who he is.**

**"You're the weird me!"**

**"Not weird. I lied to you about me coming from an alternate timeline. I am your past self directly from this time."**

**"Then who did Orochi absorb?!"**

**"He absorbed Zhang He. I don't know why he was wearing my clothes, but it saved me."**

**"I am very confused..."**

**"Do not think about it, my fellow me. Let us kill this scaly bastard!" **

**"Very well." The two withdraw their swords out of Orochi to then give him a hard downwards slash. **

**"Wait." said a hushed voice.**

**"What was that?" **

**Kaguya appears next to Sima Yi and tells him,"The mirror. Let me us see it."**

**"This thing?" Sima Yi holds out the black mirror with cracks all over it. :This mirror is Orochi's weakness? He puked it out himself using me, you know."**

**"I know. It has the reverse effect of what a normal mirror does to demons. It's cracked always to be always releasing demons."**

**"That was why all of those demons kept appearing no matter how many I killed?"**

**"It seems to be the case."**

**"Why aren't there any more demons?"**

**"I think it had to do with you bashing it against Orochi's face. Oh well, hold it out." Sima Yi does this and a bright light appears at the other end of the mirror. Nu Wa comes into view holding the mirror. Her hands produce a white aura that covers the mirror in bright light.**

**"What's happening?"**

**"I am making this do what it is supposed to do. Trap all evil inside and not releasing it." The light dims to show the mirror with its cracks fixed and it is no longer black, but white. **

**"Now this world is free from the darkness and Orochi. Now you could go home."**

**"I'm going to be gone, right?"**

**"Do not worry. You still exist. But I will let you say goodbye to your friends. "**

**Everyone around them was slowly fading from view with their bodies becoming transparent. Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, and Zhang Chunhua walk to Sima Yi with their bodies almost completely gone.**

**"So this is it."**

**"Too bad your timeline's us won't remember this."**

**"I regret not giving you your sex scene." **

**"What?" questioned Sima Shi and Sima Zhao. **

**"Nothing." **

**Sima Yi looks at them and smiles. **

**"I'll be sure to treat all of you like human beings back in my time." The three return the smile before disappearing along with the other Wei warriors. The alternate Sima Yi goes up to Sima Yi and gives him a pat on the back.**

**"Well, it all worked out, didn't it?"**

**"I suppose... Why aren't I disappearing?"**

**"I am you. I am alive, thus you are alive. So we're good. Too bad those three in your present time won't remember your deeds."**

**"Yes... I know... Oh well, I guess I'm not dying. Let's go Kaguya."**

**Kaguya comments,"You won't have any memory of all of this." Sima Yi snaps his head at her with wide eyes.**

**"What?" Kaguya shoots a quick bolt at his face and white fills up the screen.**

* * *

**Sima Yi finds himself in his own bed. He gets out of it to see that his wounds are healed and that his hair is also neatly tied. **

**"That's nice, I guess..." He looks back at the bed to see that an imprint is next to where he was lying earlier. **

**"I hope Kaguya sent me to the correct universe. I better not be married to a man like in that last universe sent me to." He gets out of the bed and walks out of the room. The house was quiet with only the sound of his footsteps moving along the corridor. **

**"Hello?" No answer. Sima Yi walks out of his house and the sun hits his face. He holds up his hand to shade his eyes from the bright light. His eyes adjust and he lowers his arm. The world around him was not destroyed and was perfectly intact compared to the future.**

**"Ah, everything's back to normal. Now where is everyone?" **

**"How about you check the last place I took you from?" Kaguya appears before Sima Yi. **

**"Huh? Oh, Kagura."**

**"KA-GU-YA. Right, I took away your memories."**

**"Ah, just joking. Surprisingly, I remember you saying I won't remember anything and that I know how to pronounce your name."**

**"Really? Huh, must've missed a spot. Oh well, you do remember where you meet with your generals, right? That sort of doubles as a recreation building?"**

**"Oh, that place."**

**"I took you away from there once, but that memory is gone forever."**

**"Very well. I will go to there." **

**Sima Yi is at the building where he was once teleported away from by Kaguya. He opens the door and heads in to hear loud shouting. He sees Sima Zhao being thrown around by Wang Yuanji and Jia Chong. Xiahou Ba crashes into the wall with his rocket spear. Zhong Hui is holding a mirror while fixing his hair with Guo Huai next to him, out cold. **

**Sima Yi enters the room and sees Deng Ai reading, Wen Yang just sitting there, and Sima Shi catching Sima Zhao and tossing him off, ignoring his pleads for help. **

**"Oh, you forgot something when you left." said a voice behind Sima Yi. He turns around to see Zhang Chunhua holding his dirt-stained hat.**

**"What the...?" _Is this from when I was fighting... Wait, what is this memory? _**

**"It's unusually dirty. Did you drop it in the mud?" **

**"Huh? Um..." Kaguya groans loudly and shoots a bolt at Sima Yi. He shakes his head and looks at the dirty hat again. **

**"Why is this here...? I thought it was lost back in..." _I remember it falling off somewhere back when I fought those demons?_**

**"I found this on the ground. It's not like you to just throw off your hat like that."**

_**But how does she have it...?**_

**"I left one piece of memory in your sons and wife that they will not be able to remember, but it makes them unconsciously more affectionate to you. I don't know why she has your hat from back then though..." explained Kaguya.**

**"Sima Yi, aren't you going to take it?" asked Zhang Chunhua.**

**"Right! Err... Thank you... I suppose..." Sima Yi receives the hat and he continues to stare at it. **

**"You should be more careful when you go out. You never know you are going to die and the next thing I know, the world is going to go to s*bleep*."**

**"Uh-I-...What? Um... Yes, thank you for worrying about me..." He passes her and goes back outside. He puts on the hat and sighs deeply.**

**"I am very confused, but. I don't care. Thinking about what happened is hurting my head. Kaguya, I will not tell anyone about this because they will think I am insane. And what I mean by 'they' is everyone here. In the present." Kaguya appears next to him and says,"Don't worry. I already took away the memories that didn't matter, all you remember is when you came back here until now."**

**"It seems that way..." **

**"Well, good bye Sima Yi. I have to attend to matters. Go on with your life." Kaguya disappears, leaving Sima Yi alone standing there. Behind him, the door opens to have Zhang Chunhua, Sima Shi, and Sima Zhao come out.**

**"You should look in the mailbox. There's something in there we would like for you to have." Sima Yi looks at them for a moment before going over the mailbox that sat a few feet away from him. He opens the lid to pull out booklets censored by mosaics. Only one booklet was safe enough to be shown with Sima Yi being held affectionately by Cao Pi. He looks at the booklets with slowly narrowing eyes as the three back at the door made nervous faces.**

**"Umm... Those aren't what we wanted to give you..." Sima Yi takes a deep breath before crumpling the booklets up and turning it into a fireball in his hands. **

**"Don't worry... I am being a mature adult about this... Very mature..." He crushes it with his hand with ash flying out from between his fingers. He unclenches his fist and glares at the mailbox. Suddenly, he takes out his sword from the past and begins slicing up the mailbox at insane speeds. When he stops, he pants loudly and calmly asks to the three at the door,"Now, what was it you wanted to give me?" The three look at him with blank faces, but they smile at him before running up to him and giving him a hug. **

**"Ah! What is this?! I am very confused here!" **

**"We can't show affection to you once in awhile?"**

**"After all, you deserve it this time around."**

**"Wait, what do you mean-Oh." _I thought they are not supposed to remember... Huh... I guess she lied. "_Since you took the effort to give me this, I suppose I owe you three something. Fine, I l-"**

* * *

**Back at the past, the Sima Yi left behind observes the land slowly becoming full of life as soldiers are being healed and are recovering from the top of a cliff. Kaguya appears next to him and Sima Yi clears his throat to talk in a nasal voice,"Well, this resolved itself. What are you going to do?" **

**"I don't know... Maybe go torment a person from Sengoku Japan. How are you doing?"**

**"Fine, fine. I am still a virgin along with my mailbox getting filled with those gay books."**

**"Aw, don't you worry. It will get better."**

**"Ahhh... I hope so..." Kaguya disappears, leaving that Sima Yi to turn away from the cliff. He stops to turn his head back at a faintly glowing sword sticking out near the edge of the cliff. He smiles and turns to continue walking away from the cliff.**

* * *

**In the middle of the night, Masamune Date sleeps in his bed peacefully until Kaguya slowly crawls near him while spookily calling out to him.**

**"Masamune... Masamune... Waaake up..." Masamune's good eye opens wide and he quickly gets out of bed with two pistols aimed at Kaguya.**

**"Who the f*bleep*?! Who sent you?!"**

**"Ahhh... Nevermind!" She disappears right before he pulls both of the triggers. **

**Kanetsugu Naoe sleeps as Kaguya does the same thing she did to Masamune to him.**

**"Kanetsugu... Kanetsugu... Waake up..." Kanetsugu opens his eyes suddenly and he pulls off his covers to reveal he was naked with a mosaic censoring out his 'area'.**

**"I'm up! What is it do you want me to do, my lady?!" **

**Kaguya wrinkles her face and turns green before disappearing.**

**Mitsunari Ishida sleeps peacefully in his bed as Kaguya slowly crawls up to him while spookily calling out to him.**

**"Mitsunari... Mitsunari... Mitsunari..." **

**"Huh?" Mitsunari opens his eyes groggily and sees Kaguya to let out a loud groan. **

**"What?"**

**"We are going to the future!"**

**"No thanks." Mitsunari closes his eyes and Kaguya kicks him. He clutches his stomach and yells out in pain.**

**"Not your choice, bitch tits." A bright light consumes Mitsunari to make him disappear with Kaguya.**

* * *

**The End**

***There, I gave someone a story idea for the SW fanfiction section.***


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